So I had a pang on Wednesday night. It started in the afternoon when I felt like having a cigarette and then just before 5pm I thought about a nice big glass of red wine, followed swiftly by a feeling of woe-is-me that I couldn't just have one.
I didn't feed that nasty thought and let it grow. I slapped it aside quick smart, grumped around the house for a bit.. grumped at Mr D when he got home .. then got busy cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Took all the twirly arms out of the dishwasher and rinsed all the crap out of them. Then made the bunk beds and tidied up all the mess, then got into bed with a mug of green tea and watched a brilliant cop show from the UK (about the huge problem alcohol causes for the emergency services in Bournemouth).
Went to sleep, got up, got on with the next day...
Sometimes it's really difficult to put into writing what it's like living sober. Sometimes the words don't do justice to the feelings.. or adequately portray the constant reality. Sometimes you just want to forget all about the fact that you're sober - and sometimes you do - but constantly underlining your life is a maintained state of awareness and rawness and inner strength. It can be exhausting at times.
It gets much easier overall as time goes on but there are still times when I feel vulnerable and just cry or have to clean a lot. That's the truth.
But still I'd far rather be raw and have a dishwasher that actually cleans the dishes than go back to that heavy wine drinking reality that I lived before. If I actually imagine drinking a glass of wine now my mind goes not to the immediate relief the wine would bring (sigh), but the likely rapid progression into that cycle of buying, drinking, worrying, buying, drinking, worrying and frankly I know which reality I choose.
Love, Mrs D xxx