I sort of don't want to write this but I will..
Because I share honestly all the time about being sober.. that's how I roll..
We went camping on the weekend with another family, some good friends. We have five young boys between us and we all had a great time playing board games and swimming in the river and eating chips and dip and collecting cicada shells and playing cricket and cooking dinner and just hanging out in tents in a regional park near our home.
As the evening developed the guitars came out and we sang cheesy sing-a-long tunes while the boys rolled around on the grass in their sleeping bags. After it got dark the torches came out and we did a bit of possum hunting before getting them to sleep on their air-beds. Us four adults stayed up chatting about all manner of crap until about 11pm and then snuggled in our tents as well.
There was booze involved… some wine and beers for everyone (bar me) around 5pm and then whiskey for the blokes later on. They probably got slightly merry and loose-lipped, it wasn't extreme and I didn't sit there wishing I was drinking at all. I had a lovely, fun, chatty, happy evening.
But then that night in the tent I had a very vivid dream that I was at a party and everyone was having a great time and I was stuck on the outside not able to join in. It was so unbelievably cliched and incredibly clear what my subconscious was telling me.
I woke up totally bummed out about the dream, like how dare my subconscious tell me I'm still processing being a non-drinker, how dare the recesses of my mind feel like there's a party going on and I'm not a part of it.
That's not how I feel goddammit it!!!!!!!
Or is there still that lingering thought deep down?
The dream has stuck with me for 4 days now and I keep thinking about it and feeling disappointed with myself for having it. Then yesterday I was sitting at the kitchen table telling my sister about the camping trip and then I mentioned the dream and suddenly I burst into tears.
It was entirely unexpected but the tears just came and I realised I felt very sad. About the dream. I think.
She said: "that's ok, it's just one part of your brain catching up with the other" or something like that.
But still I feel a bit disappointed in myself. That's probably silly. I'm not really sure what I think about this.
Love, Mrs D xxx