Because we are about to lose a dearly loved one (I know I said I was going to keep some of my life private but I can't pretend this isn't happening) I've become a compulsive researcher into how people deal with grief.
This is how I roll.. when I come up against something I research, research, research. My work has been all about researching (journalism & documentary researching), my studies have been all about researching (popular culture & media ethics), giving up booze for me was all about researching (how does one become a non-drinker?), when I first got sober I researched like crazy (how do people deal with emotions?) and now this.
I went onto YouTube the other night and typed in "How do you deal with death". Watched some great clips. This one was cutely animated and reassuringly told me "You can expect grieving to be rough." Also loved the way they illustrated the word 'grief' as a roller coaster and said of grief "there are peaks and dips and they don't always happen in predictable ways".
This man I loved - he was so reassuring about the process of death, he's studied near-death experiences and has undertaken major research talking to numerous hospice and palliative care workers etc to examine what happens for people when they die. His talk was fascinating and made me feel a lot calmer about the process.
There are sooooooo many Ted talks on dying and grieving and mourning etc.
And of course I've been listening to my beloved Tara. This talk and this talk are both great.
So where have I ended up?
Sometimes I feel very calm and at peace and accepting of what's going on.
Other times I feel deeply, heart-breakingly, devastatingly, gut-wrenchingly sad.
I think it's definitely what you could call a roller coaster.
Do I want to escape this feeling? Well… I'd rather my loved one wasn't dying, for sure. But they are and they will.
Do I want to numb the pain with booze? No fucking way. I am however eating as much as is humanly possible every day. It's like I can't possibly be full enough. So I know that I am hurting emotionally and I'm not dealing with that 100%. It's so dumb. But then again… emotional pain sucks.
I'll try harder not to eat so much from now on. Maybe confessing it here on my blog will help me with that.
Love, Mrs D xxx