Monday, December 22, 2014

A sober funeral...

Tears, lots of tears. A small gathering in the garden. The shining sun. And this from the New Zealand poet A.R.D Fairburn.

Farewell.

What is there left to be said?
There is nothing we can say,
nothing at all to be done
to undo the time of day;
no words to make the sun
roll east, or raise the dead.

I loved you as I love life:
the hand I stretched out to you
returning like Noah's dove
brought a new earth to view,
till I was quick with love;
but Time sharpens his knife,

Time smiles and whets his knife,
and something has got to come out
quickly, and be buried deep,
not spoken or thought about
or remembered even in sleep.
You must live, get on with your life.


11 comments:

  1. So sad for you and your family. XXX Beautiful, though stark poem

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  2. Lovey poem. It gets right to the heart. I am sorry for you and your family. Peace.

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  3. That poem says it all really.
    xxx

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  4. Thinking of you and your family Mrs. D.

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  5. So so sorry for you and your family.
    The poem is truly beautiful.

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  6. Im so sorry for your loss. <3 You are learning how to do life on life's terms. A painful process.....but so authentic and so real, the experience is priceless. Bless your brave heart.

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  7. Beautiful poem. Brought tears to my eyes. Kia kaha, stay strong Mrs D. Love always Stacey xxx

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  8. Hi Mrs. D - I just want to say THANK YOU for your book "Mrs. D is Going Without"! I just read it for the 2nd time in a month and I keep going back to it when I am feeling the urge to drink or questioning my decision to NEVER drink again. So much of what you described I could have written myself. I think we are/were similar in many ways. I am a 47 yo wife and mother of 6. I have moved a lot and have had many life changes and challenges that ultimately lead me to alcohol as a coping mecanism. I am/was what is typically described as a closet alcoholic - hiding the extent of my drinking from everyone around me - including my husband. He did know that I drank more than I said I did but he never made a big effort to stop me. I became very good at fooling him into thinking I was fine - at least I thought I did. Now I think he knew a lot more than he was letting on. My bottom came around this past Thanksgiving when I drank way too much and ended up drinking my husbands glass of white wine and then lying about it. I made such a fool of myself and I was so utterly ashamed of myself. I knew at that point I really must stop for good. I confessed to my husband and asked if we could get all of the alcohol out of the house while I attempted to make a clean break. He obliged. After a week I was home alone with no car and suddenly - really without warning or thought the urge for a drink hit me so hard that I was desperate - I couldn't leave the house - I began to panic almost - It was then I remembered the homemade vanilla extract we had made several months earlier with stalks of vanilla soaked in pure vodka. So THIS was my bottom! I DRANK VANILLA! I drank half a wine bottle full of disgusting vanilla at 10 o'clock in the morning! For no reason what so ever! I still do not know what came over me or why I did that - other than I truly am an alcoholic and I need to never drink alcohol again! A week later my husband bought some beer and had it in the fridge. I was frustrated with him for doing that and felt he was being insensitive to me. (Because of course everything about alcohol has to do with me, right!?) I came in and took one out and right in front of him - opened it, and drank it rather quickly. He questioned me but didn't put up a fight or forbid me not to drink it. I don't know what I was expecting him to do. He's not my father and he would never do something so controlling anyway. As soon as that alcohol was in my system I had to have more. I knew I could not take another beer right away or it would really spark a discussion that I wasn't willing to have. So guess what I did? Yup - went back to the disgusting vanilla! How sick is that?! I mixed it with iced tea! It was the grossest drink I ever had - but that didn't stop me. That night I couldn't sleep. I was so disgusted with myself and disappointed. I got up and poured the rest of the putrid vanilla down the sink and threw the bottle away - under all the other trash, of course. Since that time I have not had a drink nor have I had a strong urge to drink. I have thought a lot about my drinking habits and try to keep reminding myself of why I can not drink. I am thinking about beginning a blog but not sure yet. I really just wanted to let you know that you have been a true inspiration to me! Thank you and sorry for rambling on and on. I just intended to say thanks!

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