Go the All Blacks!

I am surfing around the Internet looking for a recipe for a spicy halloween mocktail that I can make to share on the 'Drink of the Week' page at Living Sober and on my Facebook page. I've found something suitable for the spooky holiday but also perfect for early morning rugby watching. I will make it today to sample, photograph it and post online .. and then I will make it again at the crack of dawn on Sunday.

Because YES! New Zealand are in the Rugby World Cup final, our mighty All Blacks play Australia at 5am on Sunday morning (the tournament is being held on the other side of the world in England).

I am happy looking for the recipe, thinking about how I will adapt the ingredients to suit my tastes... planning on heading down to the supermarket shortly to get the ingredients.

I am nervous thinking about the game. I so hope we win because everyone in our lovely little country will be super-happy and excited if we do! And we love our team of brave rugby-playing men, they are super cool and incredibly talented and (if you don't mind me saying) they look totally hot in their foxy outfits!

I am comfortable knowing that I will be tired but not hungover in the wee small hours on Sunday morning as I drag myself out of bed to snuggle on the sofa and watch the game with the family.

I am very content with my sober life.

When I first got sober it was so hard to conceive of an alcohol-free life. 'When will it become normal?' I'd wonder. 'Will it ever become normal??!!' When will the obsession stop?' 'When will I stop thinking about not-drinking all the time?'

It took some time but eventually it did happen. The obsession stopped and I settled into my sober skin. Today I hardly evert think about the fact that I don't drink.

Ok - I write about my sobriety all the time because I have a blog and I run a community website dedicated to helping other people get sober! That is a fact. But outside of my writing time and mostly in my day-to-day life I do not think about the fact that I am sober.

I just 'am' sober.

It's ordinary.

It's not a big deal.

I don't crave booze. I don't wish I could drink. I just don't drink alcohol.

Far fucking out. Go back to my early posts - the ones in the really early days. How obsessed I was back then. And fast forward to now. Spicy mocktails, supermarket shopping, rugby games.. no hankering to drink. None.

That, my friends, is a good thing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Numbers

I turned 44 last Tuesday and on Thursday I celebrated my 1500th day of sobriety.

What wonderful numbers ... what a week. I have to be honest I was more excited about the soberversary than the birthday (although the birthday was lovely and my family made me feel very special all day). Deep down inside though the 1500 days felt incredibly more pride-inducing.

I worked hard for those 1500 days.

I am very happy with the direction the second half of my life is taking. I am happy that I'm working hard to turn inwards and become a fully realised human being. I am happy that I am learning how to properly deal with my complicated and tricky human brain so that I am starting to glimpse true inner calm. (Glimpse - notice I am saying glimpse! Still a way to go.. and if you read my last post I did jinx myself slightly and have been a wee bit piggy and 'treaty' this past week! Oh well... progress not perfection!)

I'm also very happy with the first part of my life. I don't regret all the boozing, I don't regret the years I spent avoiding tough emotions, the years I spent desperately trying to act like everything was 'fine' all the time. I look back at my boozy self with affection. I was trying the only way I knew how to make the world seem ok, to make everything fun and lovely all the time. 

Only problem was, my method (regular alcohol consumption) was flawed. A quick fix - yes. But a long term stragegy? Nope.

Just a readily available liquid drug that mimicks true feelings of well-being while it is in your system. A readily available liquid drug that is addictive and progressive. A readily available liquid drug that when imbibed in heavy doses makes you feel like shit physically and shit emotionally.

Glad I've left that liquid drug behind.

I'm 44 years old and 1503 days sober. 

That looks pretty good to me.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Turning a corner finally..?

I don't want to jinx myself but I'm wondering whether maybe finally I have turned a wee corner with regards my food 'treats' and 'rewards' (which were actually crappy punishments). Mr D has been away for two whole weeks and it's the school holidays - usually this would send me into a spiral of boozing (prior to four years ago) or sugar/fat (last four years).. as I got tireder as the days went on I would fall farther into the hole of destructive behaviour which would have me feeling totally BLAH by the end of it.

But this time - one day to go! - I have made a real effort and have resisted falling into that hole. I've been having the odd bit of sugar, buttered toast or chips 'n dip but nothing crazy. And I'm feeling good! Tired but good.

The significant thing is that my inner voice.. my thought processes.. have changed. I haven't had to white knuckle/resist the crap .. my thoughts lately have been "that isn't yum, it will make me feel yukky" or "don't believe that's a treat, it's just a hunk of shit". This is a big difference from the "Mmmmm that is a big delicious treat that I deserve" that I used to always think. BIG DIFFERENCE.

It hasn't been hard. That's the significant shift. It's like I'm finally re-wiring myself to see those foods not as treats to be savoured but actually nasty crap that isn't my friend or good for me.

Maybe finally all the reading I've been doing about sugar and all the docos I've been watching on Netflix (Fed Up is really good) are finally getting inside my brain.

Like I say, I don't want to jinx myself.. but I can feel a subtle shift inside of me. Like I am evolving in this area. At long last!!!!!!!! There has been a subtle but noticeable shift.

I'll stay on top of this and will keep being honest. If I fall back into a hole of acting 'alcoholically' with my sugary/fatty foods and start up the same dysfunctional and isolating behaviours around them.. then I will fess up.

But for now I am proud of myself.

The free online Mindfulness Summit that I am partaking of and LOVING (and blogging about daily here) has also helped I'm sure.

Jeepers sometimes I can't believe who I am turning into!!!!!!!!!!!  But I don't care because it just makes me feel so good. Calm and connected and good. Loving my new sober life. Love, love, loving it. So, so, so, so pleased that I got sober. Can't say that enough. So, so, so, so pleased that I took that shit booze away.

Love, Mrs D xxx

With my tribe...

What an utterly amazing afternoon I had yesterday meeting up with a bunch of members of our amazing community website - Living Sober.

A number of the members from around New Zealand (and one from Australia!) had organised themselves to travel to central NZ where I live to hook up for the weekend. They organised their own flights and car rides... booked into the same motel where possible (some even sharing rooms!) and partook of a series of meals and get-togethers in cafes and restaurants.

I met up with them for a late lunch yesterday at a pub in town. They'd organised a private area and we came together for 3 hours.

I shared many warm hugs.

I shed many tears.

I heard many tales.

I listened to singing, poetry and prose.

I spoke briefly and answered many questions.

I had numerous moments when I paused mentally, looked around and really took stock of what was happening. Here I was sitting in a room full of people - most of whom I had never met in person before - and I felt incredibly comfortable and in the right place.

I felt like I was with my tribe.

The truth is my whole life I have been fiercely independent. I’ve never been what you could call a ‘joiner’. I didn’t play sports so I wasn’t in any teams. I never managed to stick at any music groups or anything like that. I didn’t do that many organised extra activities. I didn’t feel like I fitted in at high school... I always used to joke that I had ‘job commitment phobia’ because I would chop and change my jobs so often...and mentally I've always kept myself on the outer. I always felt like I was ‘pretending’ to be one of the gang – whether it be the 'cool kids'  gang at school or the TV journalists gang at work or whatever.

I've always felt in a bit of a bubble. Booze helped me maintain the bubble I think. It put a wall up between me and everything else. It helped me to not care - a self protection mechanism. If I don’t care about this group or this job or this whatever then if it goes it can’t hurt me.

I was always trying to stay one step ahead of things going.

Maybe this is why when I set about getting sober I embarked on it as a purely solo mission. Me in my bubble fixing myself. I don’t need anyone else. Fiercely independent me.

Little did I know that getting sober would finally lead to me finding my place. The group I belong to that I don't have to pretend that I feel a part of. My tribe. 

To be sitting in that room yesterday felt incredible. I felt at home. Really at home.

Love, Mrs D xxx