I'm having a revelation YET AGAIN about food. It is this...
When I eat clean I am happier. When I eat clean my moods are more stable. When I eat clean my thoughts are calmer. When I eat clean I sleep better. When I eat clean my 'system' works better (I'm talking bodily functions here sorry people).
I know there's so much around in the media right now about food and diets and clean eating and often it causes angst in people about foods and what they should and shouldn't eat.. it's the hot topic and everyone has an opinion or a plan to follow or a diet to adhere to.... a million trillion opinions about what to eat/what not to eat.
Yes I have been doing a lot of reading and soaking up of all the chatter around food & eating (Dr Libby's The Calorie Fallacy is great).. but mostly this comes from the living I have done over the past 4ish years since I got sober and became acutely aware of my moods. Over the past four years I have been lurching from one eating style to another.. trying and failing and cycling in-and-out of bad/good habits. And this is what I unequivocally know now about myself, food, and my mood & general state of mind.
What works best for me is when I avoid any wheat/sugar products. When I make a blanket decision in my mind to not eat those things (i.e. almost total abstinence) then I am a happy, calm & stable person. When I do eat these things I am not.
Because here's the thing.....I am an addict. I am an alcoholic in recovery. When I eat these things I don't eat them in what you might call a 'healthy' way.
Since I got sober I have realised that I use these foods (sugary/wheaty foods) alcoholically. The more I eat them the more I crave them. I feel the 'pull' towards these foods very strongly in my core (I don't know how to explain this 'pull' or 'craving' but it's a combination of a very intense sensation inside my chest/belly and a very noisy stream of thoughts telling me to eat them). I binge. I can be secretive/furtive with them. I indulge more when I am low/stressed/tired/sad. I experience intense feelings of low self-worth and guilt when I over indulge. In short I feel like shit emotionally and physically when I am eating sugary/wheaty foods regularly.
Moderation is impossible. It might start that way but over the days my intake speeds up. So I opt for totally abstinence and when I achieve that I SOAR!!! I feel stable, my moods are even, I feel happy, I feel great.
At the moment I'm in a long phase of abstinence from these foods and it's been awesome. Utterly fantastic. I keep bumping into people who ask 'how's it going?'.. and all that comes out of my mouth is 'good!'.
This cannot be unrelated to the fact I'm eating clean at the moment. (My version of clean which = no wheat/sugary foods). It is not unrelated to this fact. Life has been continuing on. We are crazy busy in our household. Work is busy. Stuff is going on. But yet I feel stable and good.
Look. I know I'm going to probably slip back into bad habits again. I hope I don't but my cycle seems to be 3ish weeks off those foods, 3ish weeks on them.
3 weeks off = happy and calm.
3 weeks on = fun at first and yummy but slowly worsening and usually ending in a catastrophic binge followed by a day of self-loathing and then back off them I go again.
I know this post is long and waffly but I'm wanting to get this all out for myself because I do feel (fingers crossed) that I am progressing in myself to a point where I might finally for once and for all stop the endless cycling on-and-off these foods. I really do feel I've finally done enough 'research' to know myself well enough, to fight off the cravings when they come (when I let a little bit back in the cravings start again and I usually let them win and down the hole I go again for 3ish more weeks), and to make my permanent base-line lifestyle almost total abstinence from these foods.
Funnily enough one of the things I worry about most if I do end up living like this permanently is how I'll explain it to people. I'm worried people will think I'm a stupid bore for not having dessert at a restaurant or a piece of slice for afternoon tea or a piece of cake because it's somebody's birthday. Maybe I'll try to explain it like 'I'm an addict. I have a complicated relationship with those foods. It's best if I don't touch them'. Or maybe over time I won't feel the need to explain myself at all. This is so reminiscent of when I got sober and stopped drinking alcohol!
Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks??!! I'm the one who wakes up with my head on the pillow every morning feeling what I feel and knowing what I know.
I'll just have to see how it goes. But for now I'm feeling really strong and resolute. Long may it last.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Only you can decide what is right for you. You don't need us to agree or disagree.
ReplyDeleteStep back and ask what it is you want. Is it to feel good? If so, your choices should be easy. If it's for control or weight loss or any other emotional reason you might need to start there.
We all react to food differently.
Good luck!
Omg I don't know that I would survive without the odd dessert or cake or slice Lotta. But I really understand what you are talking about here. I see me!!!
ReplyDeleteLotta this one is so hard because we gotta eat! Abstinence with booze feels easier somehow and I recognise what you write about wheat/sugar but an still firmly in denial on this one I think ...
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post. I too, have been in an overwhelmed phase of reading about different food opinions and am spinning back out of the sugar and wheat cyclone right now. It's a great comparison with alcohol. Trying to make what you know feels better a normal routine. Equals psychological rollercoaster. Good luck to both of us!
ReplyDeleteHi Mary, Google "brain over binge"- a book from Amazon. It's excellent and really made the penny drop for me regarding bingeing on junk etc....
DeleteHow come we can be so similar. Oh yeah...that's right we are addicts. Keep on writing Lotta. Am so on the same page as you. Always look forward to your words of wisdom on this original site.
ReplyDelete"Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?" You go girl!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time commenting although I have been following your blog for several months now-both your website and your blog have been a tremendous help to me!
Thank you!
I do a very similar cycling on/off carbs & candy bingeing. When I am "on/good" I follow a 17 Day Diet which is very low carb, tapering into good carbs. Tapering into moderation I suppose. But like you said, it is hard for me to moderate carbs. Once I get to that phase where they allow high fiber breads and potatoes, etc. I start craving more and crunchier and dark chocolate and cookies, and so on. Unlike you though, I can't say as I ever feel "good" when I am in the first clean/low carb stages... I always feel too restricted and antsy and depressed. But maybe it is because I never make it past that plateau, never really get it all out of my system? I never "take carbs off the table" completely. So I relate, some foods are very much like alcohol for me... Yet, because eating clean almost leads to more depression for me than the guilty from over-indulging, right now I am still trying to moderate. My hope is that if I eat more "mindfully" I will be able to eat a more healthy balanced diet with treats now and then.
ReplyDeleteLots of research has been conducted and is still going on to examine how gut health affects mental health. I am recently gluten and dairy free after reading "A Mind of Your Own" by Kelly Brogan MD and to put it simply, just feel better! Check it out if interested.
ReplyDeleteHi mrs d, my story is very similar to yours. Same cycles with food etc, eating it "alcoholically" etc. I read a book last week that I downloaded from Amazon, it's called brain over binge. All I can say is that is has had quite a profound effect on me and I haven't eaten crap for over a week now....it was excellent, I highly recommend you have a read, thanks, km.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs. D…I am on day 60 of living alcohol free. In fact, your book helped me a lot! It was one of the reasons that I decided to make my private blog public! As far as the food, I agree…I too am an "all or nothing" person!! I use Weight Watchers because that monitors my food intake! That way, I am held accountable and I feel better! Thanks again for your book!
ReplyDeleteHi there! I'm 53 and on day 50! I'd love to follow your blog. What's the name?
DeleteI just got back from a self-imposed "rehab" at an Ayurvedic retreat, and I can tell you that the food make a huge difference! It was vegetarian but incredibly flavorful and healthy food. I crave sweets when not drinking, but eating this way stopped the sweet cravings. It was also gluten-free and I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I am willing to try to keep up this eating pattern, even if it means learning to cook!
ReplyDeleteI am currently trying to "come off" sweets and simple carbs (wheaty things), as I leaned HEAVILY on them when I cut out alcohol. I so agree with you that I feel better when not eating these things and would like to cut them out for good. It's another very difficult one to tackle as our society is just as hooked on them as alcohol and it's a social thing (birthday cake!). ugh! One tip I read recently that has helped me was to snack on some fruit -any kind - early in the day and that really helps kill the sugar cravings later on. It's really working for me so far! Thanks for addressing this topic and for your wonderful book which I've read 3 or 4 times by now!
ReplyDeleteThank you once again for your timely blog As so many others have said we are flying in parallel with our journeys within and recognising alcoholic eating Love Polly
ReplyDeleteAn addict is an addict is an addict...I know the struggle. I am a big fan of greasy, cheap and easy fried foods. Fast food is my kryptonite. But I usually eat 90% paleo and feel so much better when I avoid that stuff. But all it takes is one "bad" meal and I'm back to daily binge eating. I remind myself of this every time I want to pick up "just one" drink. So easy to convince ourselves...
ReplyDeleteGood morning from France
ReplyDeleteHave just discovered your blog and I know it's really going to help me! I am nine weeks sober and loving it, but I know it's early days and anything could happen. For now I'm just not picking up the first drink. So thanks so much for sharing your recovery ☺️
I love this post. Touching on cross addiction is something a lot of people miss. After drying out, my poison was coffee. Had to cut it back to unleaded. :-) Do you mind if I linked to your site from my recovery blog?
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs. D, I totally agree about the clean eating feeling good. Despite all the media craziness around it all, I think we know when our body is getting the fuel/medicine (good food) it needs b/c of what we're putting it in. For very many people that is definitely not refined sugar. Tons of research/attention is being given to just how terrible refined sugar is (there's even a documentary on it though I've heard its not as straightforward as one might want, or just google 'sugar addictive as crack' to see study to that effect). As with anything else, there's lots of theories/approaches on how to give it up the 'right' way but if we are gentle and listen to our bodies, I think we know what feels healthy. Tons of people struggle with this issue and what people forget is that the amount of refined sugar available has dramatically increased in recent history and wasn't always so, hence the myriad of issues associated with it. Anyway, below are some people who tackle the issue. For myself, I am plant based (ie, no animal products) and try to do with as little white bread, sugar (both refined or even healthier desserts like fruit or raw cacao balls) and the like as possible, though as a longtime bread lover (often associated with the whole sugar issue) not having bagels is tough. Anyway, here are some names to google who tackle the sugar thing (but there's tons more): I quit sugar (Sarah Wilson), Pure Ella, Deliciously Ella, Dr. Oz, Dr Hyman, (book) Sugar blues (haven't read).
ReplyDeleteGood luck on this stage of your self-care journey!
Hi Mrs. D- thank you for sharing. You really inspire me and I think you are awesome. Keep doing what you're doing! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I never lost any weight when I quit drinking 20 months ago, but have lost 15 pounds in 3 months by cutting out sugar, wheat, and white starches (potatoes and rice, e.g.). I really love eating clean.
ReplyDeleteBefore I found alcohol, I used to come home from school, and binge eat chocolate if I'd had a bad day. Not surprising really when I switched chocolate for booze in my late teens, I ended up with a problem!
ReplyDeleteHi Lotta
ReplyDeleteLove your blog! Have you heard of the GAPs diet? Dr Natasha Campbell-McBride has written about Gut and Psychology Syndrome and I have heard that it really helps for us alcoholics who need to heal our guts with fermented foods and bone broths. Of course the number one thing to avoid is sugary/starchy foods as these just feed the bad bugs in our guts leading to feelings of anxiety and depression. Our gut really is our second brain and more and more research is backing up just how important it is to populate ourselves with the right kind of bugs for us to feel well.
Thank you for all that you give to the recovery community!
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ReplyDeleteNATASHA
TORONTO
Hi Mrs D. I read you blog every now and then. I have read your book. I love that you are now doing Mrs D is going within. Although I am not an alcoholic, I grew up around it and your book really rang true to me on so many levels. Not going to say it was life changing but it came close! Ever since I read it I have had some clarity like I have never had before. I feel like we are on similar sort of journeys even though I don't have the alcohol factor. Loved this post. Maybe because sometimes it seems food is to me sometimes what alcohol was (or do I say is??) to you. Cant thank you enough. Emma
ReplyDeleteMrs. D,
ReplyDeleteI could really relate to you when you said you eat bad foods alcoholically. I am sure you are aware when in recovery people tend to replace a drug or alcohol addiction with food, sex, gambling, etc. It is a great step for your long-term sobriety when you realize your addictive behaviors!