I am NEVER drinking alcohol again!

I seem to have been talking to people lately who seem to want to (inadvertently or otherwise) put some sort of fear in me about the possibility of me drinking again.

They're saying to me things like 'you never know' and 'life is long' and 'desires can come from deep inside' and 'you're only one drink away from a relapse'. One person asked if I believe in a 'shadow self' who lives within and wants nothing but for me to go back to being a wino.

I thought about this concept - that I have a shadow of the old boozy me still inside just waiting to burst out - and thought.. 'do I believe I have a 'shadow self'? .. before answering an emphatic 'no'.

I do not believe that there is a part of me that still wants to drink copious amounts of wine and be numb and blurry and disconnected. I REFUSE to live in fear of that happening again! Sorry but I don't and I won't.

I know others will have opinions about whether it's 'wrong' for me to not hold some fear close or else I will trip up ... that I should constantly remind myself of where I was (miserable and addicted) for fear of forgetting and kidding myself that it would be a good idea to go back there (as if).

Firstly there is no chance of me forgetting my past boozy ways because of the contrast between how I felt then and how I felt now. But secondly and more importantly and let me shout this from the rooftops.

I HAVE CHANGED AND DEVELOPED SO MUCH INSIDE OF MYSELF THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE THAT I COULD REVERT TO THE OLD WAY OF THINKING THAT REGULAR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION IS A GOOD IDEA.

Yes some serious shit is going to happen in my life, things I can't even imagine that are going to hurt like hell and make me feel wretched, but why would I have so little faith in myself that when that happens I would suddenly shy away from genuine human emotion and go back to numbing and avoiding????

Everything I have been doing since I got sober, all of the work recognising that I was an emotion avoider, learning to sit with feelings, ways to ground myself and calm my brain, acceptance of the whole experience of being a fully realised human being.. all of this work is preparing me for the shit that is going to come. Why would I suddenly think (in the future when a loved one dies or some such) that I would throw away this incredible knowledge and understanding that I have developed to drink a shitty awful brain bending liquid drug???!!!

I'm sorry but that notion is just ridiculous and anyone that is fearful on my behalf that I am going to drink again has no real knowledge of the workings of my insides.

Well why would they? They're not me.

Maybe they are still misguided and think drinking alcohol is something to be desired? Something helpful? I don't.

Maybe they subscribe to the notion that remaining fearful of relapse is the best way to stay sober? I don't.

Really it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know my truth. I know how I feel today and how prepared I feel for all of my sober tomorrows. And that's all that matters.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Busy Schmizzy....

Been veeeerrrrryyy busy. Crazy busy. Not wanting to complain, because I know everyone is busy. Just saying it coz it's the truth.

I like being busy but I don't. I mean, I'm usually busy but at the moment it's 'next level' busy and that I don't like so much.

Usually I like being busy but also having time to...

1) lie on the sofa sometimes during the day to relax and watch some TV before the kids get home from school

2) sit and go through my cookbooks and choose recipes/make shopping lists for the week ahead

3) sit quietly with a cup of tea and think about what I'm going to write about next (i.e. let my mind wander to see what ideas float up to the top)

If I can achieve these sorts of things then I know I'm not 'crazy busy' and my life has some balance.

All of the time whether I'm 'next level' busy or not I am keeping up with a lot of stuff; cleaning the house, interacting with my kids, cooking, walking the dog, having work meetings, meeting friends for coffee, driving my kids places, waiting at places for my kids to do things, keeping up with all the household emails & paperwork etc, keeping up with all my Mrs D emails and writing and stuff, staying in touch with the community at Living Sober, sorting rubbish and recycling, washing and folding clothes, grocery shopping, tidying, more cooking, more cleaning, more driving... yada yada yada.

Everyone can make a list like this right? Everyone is very fucking busy all of the time!!!!!!

But me personally I like a bit of down time and not just after 9pm at night. Time to have a cup of tea and sit quietly in the sun, go through cook books or watch TV in the day time. If I can do these 'indulgent' (sensible) 'me' things then I am at peace with the world.

I know that when I get through this crazy busy stage and things start to quieten down a little before I get my energy restored I will have an emotional slump and feel a bit low. I know my mood cycles now from having been sober for so long and I am prepared. I won't panic, I will tread carefully, treat myself kindly and tell those silly low thoughts to go away like the little brain farts that they are.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Born Lucky...

So after I had my little rant at HuffPostWomen a couple of weeks ago (and had a great response from you lovely blog readers), I had an opportunity to write a follow-up article on the issue of the glorification of alcohol in social media here at The Addiction Advisor.

I shared this latest article on my Facebook page - where it also had a great response - and one person there commented.

"While I don't have a problem with drinking (born lucky), I'm surrounded in my life by many who do. Where do you draw the line between those of us who are able to have one drink that does us for days, and those where it's overtaken their lives? Does it mean preventing those of us from having that social drink? It doesn't bother me the memes are around - in fact I follow one - it doesn't affect me like it affects those who are grappling with a problem....where do you draw the line?"

I replied: "I think this is one of the most difficult questions regarding alcohol, and why it's tricky for those who regulate it's sale and marketing. Because for many people it is a relatively harmless liquid (they can moderate it and have it not be a problem), but yet for others it's quite the opposite (incredibly harmful and difficult to moderate and control). Personally I think as a society we haven't got the balance quite right of having it be freely available for those who can enjoy it safely yet make moves that acknowledge it isn't a simple commodity for others. E.G. by all means sell it but perhaps out of the supermarkets next to the bread and milk. And I think you 'draw the line' with the sharing of these memes etc when it is coming from a large influential media company. That's why the HuffPostWomen image annoyed me so much. Of course individuals can share and enjoy these memes if they want, but from a massive social media account celebrating women - not ok in my book. But that's just me! And I realise it is a futile fight. Just felt like having a rant for once. x"

Anyway - enough ranting! Today is a day of celebration because school is back after a 2-week holiday and my darlings have left the house. Finally I have some peace and quiet. I am sitting with a cup of tea, the dog sleeping at my feet, and the only sound I can hear is of the dryer churning away in the wash house. Bliss.

Just one last point. The Facebook commenter described herself as 'born lucky' for not having a drinking problem and I think that is fair enough for her to feel that way. But I consider myself to be born lucky as well.

I feel lucky that I developed into an alcoholic because only by recognising that fact and digging deep to get myself out of it have I experienced the wonderful gift that is recovery. Only by beating my addiction have I discovered what I am truly capable of. The turnaround I have experienced since I got sober, the connections I have made in the recovery community and the connections I have developed with myself and with my loved ones are so valuable and good.

I'm also lucky because I have discovered how great it is to live completely 100% sober, never touching alcohol ever. I have that stuff out of my life, I don't want a casual drink ever, I'm free.

So really - I'm the lucky one.

Love, Mrs D xxx