Happy in Sober-Land

I'm going through all my old posts organising them into new pages - one page full of posts for every month of the first year of my sobriety. It's so interesting to go back and be reminded about all the things I don't miss about being a boozer. It's so easy to forget as time passes and the new sober way of living becomes the norm.

I don't miss having painkillers dotted all around the house. Most important was the packet I kept in my top bedside drawer. I'd reach out in the dark at 3am to grab a couple and swallow them down with the water I always made sure to take to bed (in my sloppy state). Sometimes I wonder how our bedroom must have smelled in the mornings after a binge. Often I wonder how my kids must have smelt wine on my breath all the time.

I don't miss that panicky feeling when the wine had almost run out.

I certainly don't miss staring at the back of the toilet door thinking 'I'm boozed again'. I don't miss sitting on the sofa late at night by myself full of wine, feeling like a dead weight, watching tele I would forget .. too sluggish to get up and go to bed. I do not miss the 3am wake-up. Head pounding, mouth dry, bladder full, feeling so guilty and dysfunctional. I don't miss hungover mornings, feeling like my kids are screaming loudly through breakfast on purpose (as if they knew I had a hangover and couldn't deal with any noise).

I don't miss any of that bloody boozy bollocks.

I love getting into bed sober now. I love my morning mug of green tea. I love when tiredness can be assessed simply as 'not enough sleep' or 'crazy busy day' rather than 'that bottle of wine last night can't have helped'.

My clever friend the nurse thinks the world is on the cusp of a big turnaround with regard to alcohol. That slowly but surely societies around the globe are going to start turning on booze as we have on cigarettes. 'It's a poison' she said to me simply. Alcohol is a poison.

Check out this article about an expert in global health at the University of Copenhagen. They say about alcohol "this isn't a harmless staple of living. This isn't bread or water. This is ethyl alcohol, or ethanol. We know it can be addictive, we know it's harmful to our health and we know it causes an enormous burden to our society. The alcohol industry may spend large sums to help us resist questioning our relationship with alcohol, but lets be honest - this relationship is truly bizarre."

It's a big-ass ship to turn around though.. but maybe alcohol's time will be up soon. And if that's the case I'll be happily standing on the sober shoreline waving to all the drinkers on their boozy boats going; "Come on over guys! It's fine over here in sober-land, really!"

Love, Mrs D xxx

The power inside...

There's a really amazing feeling in the air... like things are shifting and changing...it's a positive feeling...a good feeling....I feel kind of excited and forward-moving. It's hard to explain, and there's nothing specific happening for me.. it's just that I feel like my life is shifting and moving forward and there's positive momentum. I've hit some sort of different place where the 'getting on with living sober' is occurring.

It's an amazing feeling... I have to tell you. And I would LOVE to know from those sober longer than me (just checked I'm 601 days, 20-odd months sober) if this is a normal step in the process. It's lovely, quite freeing... my life is wide open before me.

Maybe this happiness is related to the amazingly wonderful weekend away I just had BY MYSELF staying with a girlfriend.

Maybe it's because of the wonderful Cupcake Brown book 'A Piece of Cake' I read before I went. So life-affirming and powerful - how to turn even the shittiest life around. I do so recommend it.

Maybe it's because of this article I read in the Guardian online by a concert pianist about following your dreams. It's so inspiring. Read it, then find him playing on YouTube and have a listen. It will lift your soul (it did mine anyway).

Maybe because of all this I've started reading The Happiness Project again .. by Gretchen Rubin. It's kind of silly and ridiculous in its simplicity, and a kind of uptight and really methodical way of making yourself feel better but it is full of ideas of things to do to improve day-in-day-out living.

I think if you make a decision to do something like remove alcohol from your life.. if you work fucking hard to follow through with that decision, gritting your teeth through the really hard times.. slogging away sluggishly through the low times... adjusting and coping and managing to do it... over time you start to believe... really start to believe in the power that you have inside to direct your own life. I firmly believe we all have that power. Feel it... know that it is there...poke it... prod it a bit... exercise it... built it up... watch it grow. Go for it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Online life...

I joined twitter a few weeks back and that's been a fun addition to my life. I've followed loads and loads of rehabs and addiction counsellors and a few ordinary people I've found who are like 'sober tweeters' (is that how you'd describe it?). It's been quite fun. I tweet about things I'm feeling, and I also tweet links to articles in the local media here in New Zealand about our drinking culture etc etc.

I'm quite enjoying some of the inspirational quotes that the people I follow are tweeting, and clicking on links they post with interesting information ... like this for example which is all about what knowing moderate drinking limits can do for you. It reminded me of the big jolt I got when I actually measured my glass sizes and worked out that my 2-3 wines a night was actually more equivalent to 6-7.

If you're interested in giving twitter a go set up an account, then look at my page (icon to the right) and then click on the people I am following and follow them to build up your own list. The more people you follow the more interesting your feed of information is.

I also got asked to contribute a story to this website/app thingy, Today's Step, you can subscribe to their daily newsletter and get emailed tips and inspiration and stuff to help you along your way.

So there's lots of great stuff online for people like me who are trying to stay sober and live sober. I am mindful of trying not to get too obsessed with my online life though, and have a new rule that I can't take my phone into the bedroom at night - it stays on the kitchen window ledge. And right now, I need to go outside and get some fresh air. Must not eat toast for dinner tonight...!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Like clockwork....

For boozy housewives like me 5pm is a magical, mystical, crucial time of the day. I'm in the kitchen at this point finishing up dinner and flick on the radio to hear the start of Checkpoint the nightly current affairs show. The theme music would play (da, da da da da da, daa, daa, daaaaaa) and I'd reach for the wine glass. The announcer would come on ("Good Evening, welcome to Checkpoint") and I'd open the bottle. The programme would begin ("On tonight's show...") glug glug glug.

It's the moment at which I'd escape the monotony. The kids incessant demands became more bearable. I'd feel a little bit glamorous, a little bit naughty. I'd feel like I was part of a grown-up gang - no different to those well groomed office workers heading to their local wine bar. It was lovely. I loved it. Loved my nightly wines.

Drink one at the bench while getting dinner ready. One at the dinner table when eating. This is the point at which you should stop and put the glass away in the dishwasher with the rest of the dishes!!!! Damn. Lost that memo a few years ago. Wine glass stays on the bench. Another drink when cleaning up. Sometimes I'd take it into the bedroom when reading the kids stories. Sitting on the sofa later having yet another (few) while watching tele - this is the point at which you start to question the habit. Is this normal?

At 5pm now I don't even pour myself a sugary fizzy drink in a wine glass like I was for a good year or so after I cut out the wines. But something still shifts in me, the point of change is there. But there's no brain bending, mind numbing, back warming escape any more. So I'll have a water with dinner. Put the jug on while the kids are brushing their teeth and by the time they're in bed I've got a mug of green tea on the sofa.

But at 5pm I think about all the housewives in all the homes around our beautiful country and wonder about the ones who are going start on the wines and find it hard to stop, the ones who are going to end up on the sofa later on still going strong. Boozy housewives of the world unite! Ladies - we don't need that shit.

Love, Mrs D xxx

All good....

Back into the routine (drinking a green juice as I type!) and feeling calm, a bit low key but good. The Easter holiday went well, the kids had a great time, I reconnected with lots of my family and that is important to do each year, and for the most part it was great.

Yes I struggled being around people boozing all weekend, as any fairly new sober person would do. And yes it caused me some grief and tears, but that is my cross to bear for the choice I have made with my life. Everyone has shit to deal with. I'd rather deal with the shit caused by adjusting to living sober than any other shit.

Just plowed through Clarissa Dickson Wright's memoir "Spilling the Beans". She's a famous British chef and was a terrible alcoholic who got sober. She writes without a doubt one of the best descriptions I've ever read of the rehab process, getting sober and living sober. Clearly spelt out, brilliantly understood and articulated. She's a 12-stepper (which I'm not) and I've never had the steps explored and explained so well. I recommend it heartily!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Easter holiday...

Packing the suitcases to go away for an extended family get-together over Easter.

Three years ago I wrote myself off so badly on the first night I started spinning out at the dinner table and could barely make it to our bedroom (where the kids were asleep). It was a shocker. I spent the rest of the holiday beating myself up about it, feeling terribly dysfunctional but still drinking of course. It was probably around that time that I was starting to work towards full admission (to myself) of my drinking and educating myself, building towards giving up.

Two years ago I was still drinking and remember trying very very hard all weekend to moderate, and managing it, but it took a lot of effort. I was proud of myself though, that I hadn't replicated the bender from the year before. Still had hangovers, but milder ones.

One year ago I was newly sober. Bright, shiny new sober me. I'd lost quite a lot of weight, put a lot of thought into what clothes to pack and made sure I had my nails painted before hand. I felt great and looked great. It was a wonderful holiday and I was so happy to be sober and so happy to wake up every morning hangover free. I did feel like my sobriety was a bit of a gorilla suit though. Strange and obvious.

So this year it's my second sober Easter with the family and although I do still feel like my sobriety is a bit of a gorilla suit I'm a lot calmer about where I'm at. I'm still delighted to be heading away without having to worry or plan or be careful. I still can't wait to wake up every morning with no hangover. I trust in the knowledge that I'm not actually missing out on anything by not drinking - the big communal dinners are just as fun and lovely without me downing wines (and certainly without the spinning out of 3 years ago).

Been getting a few comments about the juicing. Me an expert juicer - ha! I still can't believe I'm doing all this healthy stuff but I suppose it's the way a lot of us go as we get older and enter the second half of our lives. Thinking about what we're putting in our bodies etc.

Anyway the main juice recipe I've been making I got from our local paper - it's a basic green juice. 4 kale leaves, 1/2 cucumber, 2-3 celery sticks, 1-2 apples, 1/2 lemon and 1cm piece of ginger. You have to trim the skin off the lemon and ginger but not the apple or cucumber (if it's an edible skin). The kale comes out dark green but all the other stuff gives it a yum flavour. Easy to drink, honestly.

I also borrowed a book from a friend called "Raw Juices Can Save Your Life!" by Dr Sandra Cabot. She's a total fanatic and gives recipes for special juices for depression, headaches, insomnia etc, plus just tasty pick-me ups. Also isn't Jason Vale the big juice guru? He does call himself the Juice Master so I guess he is..! He's got recipes on his website here.

My machine is a compact one and there is a lot of waste left over. Maybe the big grunty machines do a better job. Get juicing people! Yesterday I had just orange juice with ginger. Definitely makes you feel good.

Righto, off on holiday. Happy Easter everyone!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Sober wedding # 7...

I think a sober event is going to stand on it's own merits, with no booze to buoy things (my brain) along. It's that peculiar convergence of factors - the location, the crowd, the vibe, my state of mind - that makes a sober event what it is.

I used to be very addicted to wine and consumed it regularly and heavily all the time. Weddings were always cause for heavier drinking. Stressful Mondays were cause for rapidly consumed glasses of red wine after 5pm. Low/flat/boring phases were filled with wine. Elated moments were accentuated with wine. Friday and Saturday nights were filled with more wine than usual just because they were Friday and Saturday night.

Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, all the time. And now there's none. I was nervous about this past wedding and the whole not-drinking thing. Not sure why, but I was. I was nervous, and I felt a bit low key throughout, but never once did I actually consider having any alcohol. I never for a moment entertained the notion that that could happen. Not drinking is an absolute certainty.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The real juice

Just a quickie:  OMG I LOVE MY JUICER!!!!  Sorry about yelling there but honestly there is nothing more satisfying than stuffing a whole lot of green veges and yummy fruits and clumps of ginger into a machine that whuurrrs away noisily and creates glasses of liquid gold. Just the act of making and drinking the juice makes me feel better about myself! And Mr D is even giving them a go. I just got a small 'compact' machine so I didn't have to fork out the big bucks but I am so enjoying it. It really makes me feel like I am looking after myself, especially if the juice is dark green (you know they say the dark green vege hold all the goodness).

It may be just a hippy fad but I'm going with it for now. And this weekend we are off to yet another wedding, the SEVENTH since I got sober. And this one is with a particularly boozy crowd. So we'll see how that goes.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Mood enhancers...

I remember one day before I gave up booze sending my out-of-town sister an email in which I wrote in very witty style (I thought) all that I had achieved in the day. I was buzzing from a really crazy busy day - and obviously wanted to share/gloat about what I'd been doing... running around after kids, in and out of school and kindy, appointments, gym, supermarket, making beds for guests yadda yadda yadda. I remember being very proud of what I'd achieved and how well I was managing such a busy life.

'Oh look at fabulous busy me' (was the subtext of the email).. 'how craaazy is my life!!!'  My gorgeous sister responded with an appropriate 'Wow! What a day! You're amazing!' - type email, and I felt very proud of myself.

I neglected to mention the bottle and a half of wine that I had managed to fit in (glug) during the latter part of the day (starting at 5pm ON THE DOT of course). Something made me leave that detail out. But sure enough, as was my want, I had managed to fit in some enthusiastic wine drinking on top of everything else.

It's amazing how I managed to run around achieving everything a busy housewife/mother/part-time-worker needs to achieve AND drink wine steadily and heavily throughout the week. How great is the boozy housewife's capacity to add extra pressure to an already busy life? You get that numbing sensation, sure. But also the hangovers and sick guts and mental guilt and anguish. Why do we punish ourselves so?

So here I am now, still a busy housewife and mother although the part-time-work isn't around any more and my MA thesis is delivered so the studies are over. And of course I'm sober.

I've still got a bit of work to do in learning how to deal with gritty emotional states without reaching for something. Lately it's been crap food and sugar. I've got to step up the other things that make me feel good. Exercise is a MAJOR mood enhancer for me and even though it doesn't come easy I really have to make sure I keep doing it regularly.

Other cliched things like burning lovely oils to make the house smell nice. And I've just bought a juicer! That is a big cliche right there but I want to try making those green juices that everyone is raving about.. full of goodness and fills you up nicely.

Also just remember to lift my eyes and look to the horizon - look out of my immediate surroundings to lift my mood. Look for beautiful things. And music - music definitely makes me feel better.

Love, Mrs D xxx

What's changed?

Just took a look and discovered I am 555 days sober today - woo hoo! 555 days of freedom.

Sober day number 555 for me involves having a sick 6-year-old home from school watching Apollo 13 from the sofa, a 3-year-old obsessing over a book about ghosts and running around the house playing 'armies', cleaning the bathroom, mopping the kitchen floor, looking at blogs and twitter and generally just mooching around being a mother and housewife.

I've been thinking about what is different in my life now I live without alcohol.

In some ways there are major differences. I have removed guilt and hangovers and bad sleep and sick guts and wasted money and overflowing recycling bins and sloppy behavior.

On the flipside I have gained self respect, pride, sometimes an itchy boredom, most of the time a sense of calm, a fabulous new online community and cheekbones.

But in many ways, and this is the interesting thing, a lot of things in my life haven't changed. I still wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, run around, eat some more, get undressed and go to sleep. I still manage friendships and relationships and deal with other people's wants and needs. I still pay bills and answer emails, fill the car with petrol and change lightbulbs.

I still wish I was a more stylish dresser, worry that I'll never learn how to blow-dry my hair straight and regret not painting my nails or plucking my eyebrows more often.

I still plan meals in advance and shop once a week. I still watch lots of Reality TV and keep up with news and current events. I still sing in the shower and make a horrible growling noise when I get an 'itchy inner ear' (and Mr D still says that's my worst habit).

I still get highs and lows and laugh and cry, get grumpy, angry, stressed, delighted and relieved, although there is no denying those emotional states are more pronounced now that I have removed my great leveler, wine.

I used to look at sober people and want to ask 'what's it like? what's it like not ever drinking?' And now I can see how that is such a difficult question to answer. On the one hand it's monumental, a hugely life changing, revelatory move to make, to remove booze. On the other hand it's just another decision made, change implemented, choice taken. Fuck me I'm pleased I did that 555 days ago.

Love, Mrs D xxx