Goals

1) I'm going to sort my eating out and not eat shit any more. Crappy foods badly affect my mental health (as I wrote in my other blog here). If I stick to a healthy diet I feel proud and strong AND my mood is more level. This is a no-brainer. I must stop looking at crap as 'treats' and start seeing it as 'toxic' (which it is for me). I am an alcoholic and my body chemistry is what it is. Also - because I have removed so much bad crap (sugar, alcohol, coffee).. when I put some of it back in (sugar mostly) I am far more negatively affected by it that I used to be. So my body is becoming a temple. Slowly. And hopefully my brain will catch up.

2) I'm going to remember to stay loving and open and kind and generous with all the people around me. Especially Mr D and our boys. Doing this makes all of us feel happier.

3) I'm going to start reading novels again and tip the balance back in favour of enriching activities - not just depleting ones (like endlessly checking my online sites).

4) I am going to go to the gym DEFINITELY two times a week, sometimes three if I can manage it.

5) I am going to keep working on providing warmth, encouragement and stimulating reading material to members of Living Sober and people who visit my various online sites (but not over-check them all day and remembering to do other things like read novels see above ha ha).

6) I am going to make myself a green juice at least once if not twice a week. They taste good but also I feel healthy and functional when I go through this process.

7) I am going to put little 'gratitude' notes in my gratitude bowl next to my desk every day. Gratitude works. Remember all the good things I have in my life and even the tough ones that teach me lessons.

8) I am going to keep looking forward, upwards and outwards. Not inward, backwards and downbeat (i.e. positive not negative)

9) I am going to remind myself that I am a good person who works hard and has done well, not just in getting sober but also in family & professional endeavours and give myself a mental pat on the back (especially when I am lying on the sofa watching crap TV playing Words With Friends on my iPad and not reading a novel ha ha)

10) I am going to make more lists because making lists is fun!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hey, Mrs D!

I received a comment on my last post. It reads: "Hey, Mrs D! I think it's awesome that you're able to stay sober and remain happy. Many of my friends think that soberness equals misery. Do you have any suggestions that I could give them to find happiness?"

I understand why your friends think like that because I did too.

I was hard wired to believe all these bullshit things about booze. That it was the best way to relax. That it was the best way to celebrate. That it was the best way to show that you are a good host. That it was the best way to bond with friends. That it was the best way to enjoy a wedding. That it was the best way to commiserate.

And so of course when I took the booze away I feared my life would become miserable and I would be a boring sober loser forever more. Of course I believed that because I gave alcohol so much goddamn power!!!!

I gave a stupid toxic liquid all the power to make my life rich and fulfilling and enjoyable and satisfying and meaningful and fun.

Now after 3+ years of living sober I think back to all the bullshit beliefs I had about alcohol, and I look back at all the power I gave that brain-bending shit, and I feel a bit ridiculous that I felt that way.

 Sober does not = misery. Sober just = not drinking alcohol.

Now when I have fun it's authentic fun that comes from a deep place within me. I'm happy because my friends are the right kind of people for me and they make me feel good. I'm relaxed because I'm not at work or I'm focusing on genuine things that trigger the pleasure receptors in my brain. I'm joyous because there's great music playing or I've heard some happy news or achieved a fulfilling milestone. I'm feeling loved-up because I'm surrounded by people I love.

Most of all I feel proud, strong, calm and happy. Did I mention genuine and authentic?

Sober does not = misery. Sober just = not drinking alcohol.

If anyone thinks any different they've clearly still got a bit of brain re-training to do! I've done this brain re-training, and I've turned my thinking completely around. It can be done. And I heartily recommend it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Count the very's in this post...

Today is a brilliant day to be sober!!!

The sun is shining strongly in my home town and I woke up feeling happy and optimistic .. a feeling that I always appreciate when it does come because not all days are like this.

Last night at 5pm I was stuck in some thinking loops and realised I was feeling teeny bit angsty & glum so I had to administer some sober first aid.

Comfy pants - tick. Oil burner on - tick. Nice drink - tick (a cup of yummy herbal tea, lemongrass & ginger). Feeling kindly toward myself for experiencing uncomfortable emotions - tick.

Also managed to NOT binge on any nasty sugar although I did have 3 mini packets of chippies.

Now after a great nights sleep I have woken up cheery! Just goes to show how feelings come and go.

It would be nice to  eliminate all tricky emotions but I know that is an impossible thing to wish for and we can't expect life to be like that.

Last night's mood made sense. I'd recently hugged Mr D goodbye - he's away overseas for 12 nights on a work trip. I hadn't had as many hours sleep as I'm used to. I'd had one work thing cancelled on me and attended a big meeting on another work thing.

None of this stuff is earth shattering .. but it's my stuff and it all affects my emotions.

Anyway I've just packed my boys off to school. I've got all morning to myself to do a bunch of things that have been playing on my mind (tax, dentist, glazier, electrician). I am listening to a playlist on Spotify my sister compiled of songs from our childhood (LOVE IT!!), the sun is beaming through the windows in my sunroom, I will also do a little bit of pottering in the garden and I am very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very happy to be sober.

Yes!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Peaks and troughs....

The longer I live sober the more I get to know my natural rhythms and flows. Ups and downs. Peaks and troughs.

I've just been away from home for 9 days.. busy busy family holiday with loads of other people around and very little (no) time to myself. Looking after the boys on my own mostly (Mr D was only with us for the first 3 nights), driving from place to place to place throughout the days, not getting my usual 8ish-hours of blissful sleep every night, harder to keep eating healthily, extended family matters taking up more brain-time than usual, lots of planning and negotiating activities.

I'm not complaining, it was a great holiday! Really stimulating and fun. Lovely reconnecting with a lot of my family. Fun being out of my usual routine and away from my house which I usually spend endless hours in. And the boys had a super-fun time with loads of activities and sleepovers and input from grandparents, aunties & uncles, cousins and friends.

It was all good.

But I KNEW that I would come home exhausted and I KNEW that after about 3 days at home I'd hit a bit of an emotional slump. I know now from having lived raw & sober for 3+ years that a big energy output like that I've just had on my holiday takes it out of me and I'll have a corresponding 'low' in the week following.

I know this and I was prepared for it.

So yesterday it hit and sure enough I felt exhausted, a bit low and itchy and irritable. I ate bad food. I surfed mindlessly on the computer too much (note to self: stay away from dailymail.co.uk!). I felt a bit blah.

{ha ha while I was writing this I just went over to the dailymail.co.uk and spent 10  minutes looking at crap paparazzi shots of celebrities. I MUST BREAK THIS ADDICTION!!! Mrs D is Going Without The Daily Mail starts NOW!!!}

Yesterday as 5pm approached I realised I was stuck in this emotional rut and needed to do something about it. Not something to avoid it and make it go away (like drink 5 glasses of wine). Something to just acknowledge that I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I needed to take care of me.

So I went to my bedroom and put my comfy pants on (comfy pants are my new 'glass of wine'. I wrote a post about that on Living Sober - here). I shut the curtain and turned on the lamps. I fizzed up a bottle of soda water using my SodaStream and poured it into a large goblet with ice cubes and lemon slices. I lit a scented candle.

These things sound trite and dumb but it was more about what was going on in my head. I was calm and gentle with myself. I was understanding myself and my rhythms. I was accepting my mood for what it was - it made sense to me and was ok. And I was being kind.

Nothing escalated with my internal feelings or behaviours with my family. I didn't freak out. I just went gently through the evening and then fell into bed and slept for NINE HOURS.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!! Try THAT with a belly full of wine!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still tired today but that's ok too. I know that it will take me quite a few days to get fully back to normal. I know that because I stay fully connected with myself now 100% of the time. I don't blur myself and make myself harder to understand. I am sober, alert & aware of my feelings 100% of the time, and now only after months and months of living this way am I really starting to reap the benefits.

And people still ask me if I miss drinking. Ha ha no way. All of these benefits - like greater self knowledge - they can't be quantified. They are immense and wonderful.

That's my experience anyway.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Easter!

Things are going well here for me in my housewifey sober life. I am busy - the whole family is - but it doesn't feel out of control.

I've been doing this mindfulness course through a great book and am blogging about it daily on my new blog called 'Mrs D Is Going Within'.

Maybe one day I'll start writing a blog called 'Mrs D Is Sugar Free' but I can't see that happening! I try hard to control sugar intake and manage to most of the time. Occasionally I have a binge (usually when I'm in a funk, no surprises there).. but I can recover from it pretty quickly.

If nothing else I am definitely very mindful about when I am going hard at the sugar! That's a step in the right direction isn't it?!

About to head away for our annual big extended family Easter holiday extravaganza in a remote isolated place. I'm really looking forward to it ... but it definitely does present as a wee bit of a challenge for me as I am the only sober person in the extended family. I've just written a long post about this on Living Sober. You can see it here.

But in general I am feeling calm and good.

I am still utterly delighted and grateful that I recognised booze was a problem for me and worked bloody hard to get it out of my life.

And I am still endlessly fascinated how things shift and change the longer I am sober. It was very noticeable to me after I reached 3 years in recovery that a new set of challenges were presenting themselves. I was starting to experience low-grade anxiety, found myself getting caught in thinking-loops about stuff that was tricky to navigate, and some of my parenting was less-than-calm.

Maybe this was because I wasn't so busy working on my sobriety. Maybe this was because parenting three boisterous boys would be challenging for even the best zen-master! Or maybe this was just something many of us develop in later life (and particularly women as menopause approaches).

I'll never know. But now I find myself delving into mindfulness meditation and it feels so bloody good.

I have a LONG way to go and a lot of practice to do but I'm committed.

Only sobriety would have bought me to this place. I'm grateful, I know Mr D is grateful, and without knowing it our sons are probably grateful too.

In my humble opinion there is nothing bad that can come from getting sober. And so much that is good.

Happy Easter and go easy on the chocolate!! I'm going to try to anyway...

Love, Mrs D xxx

The problem isn't me. The problem is the alcohol.

Back from a very nice wee trip away. Gave two talks to two lovely women's Dinner Clubs. They all seemed very warm and receptive and interested in my story. I cried BOTH NIGHTS as I was describing my final night of drinking (sculling then hiding a bottle of wine from my husband). I always think I won't but when I'm in the moment I find it hard not to get a bit teary.

That shit is real.

I sometimes find it hard to describe to people why hiding that one bottle that one time was enough to get me to stop drinking. Hiding alcohol is a very common behaviour trait for problem drinkers and a lot of people do it for a very long time, yet I did it once and for me that was enough. Why?

I think it's because I had been very honest with myself in the months leading up to that event, and hyper-aware in my own head that my drinking was a problem and that it was progressing. I wasn't kidding myself. I could see very clearly that I was needing more wine of an evening to feel 'full'. I could see that when we were out socialising I was finding it harder to control my drinking. I could tell I was getting sloppier, more slurry, more heavy & numb. And there was the occasional vomit which at aged 37+ is not pretty.

So I knew without a doubt that this hiding-the-wine action was just another step in the progression of my alcoholism (although I didn't call it that at the time).  It horrified me. Because I had done it.

I bought the wine that night. I drank it. I chose to hide it before my husband returned home. Me.

Yet the me of the following morning was horrified with those decisions and actions.

This is what is so awful about being addicted. You act a certain way (when drinking) then hate those actions. You act, then hate, act, then hate. Make promises then let yourself down time and again. Feel guilty and miserable constantly. Yet you keep acting (drinking) in the way you hate. You are powerless! Although you try hard to be powerful, yet you can't control it. The addiction is in control. The alcohol is powerful. It pulls, it tempts, it lies, it controls.

It's confusing, depressing, misery-making, soul destroying. Slowly night after night after night your self respect, self worth, feelings of strength & control get eroded.

But what happened for me that final morning after the night that I hid the bottle was that I had a very powerful moment. I remember vividly separating out from myself and seeing very clearly two 'me's'. There was the me without alcohol in me. And there was me with alcohol in me. Me sober. Me drinking. Me. Alcohol.

And I had a very clear thought.

The problem isn't me. The problem is the alcohol.

This is huge. Say it out loud if you have to.

The problem isn't me. The problem is the alcohol.

Take the alcohol away and the problem is gone.

So I did. September 6th 2011 I took the alcohol away. I had noooooo idea what I was getting myself into. I had no idea what was to unfold. It was hard bloody work. It was surprising. It was full of revelations and it was ultimately, gloriously rewarding and wonderful.

And I was right. The problem wasn't me. It was me with alcohol in me. And that is why I will never touch shitty alcohol ever again.

Love, Mrs D xxx

A wee trip away...

I've been practicing my talks for next week. I'm going down to the South Island to talk to a couple of women's Dinner Clubs about my recovery. Really looking forward to it. I do have a tendency to hide behind my computer for much of my recovery work (blogging, writing or being interviewed for articles, communicating with people on Living Sober). I have a few local sober friends that I connect with in person, but it will be really good for me to go and meet a bunch of new people face-to-face.

There may be people in the crowd who are secretly worried about their own drinking, or maybe not! There may be people in the crowd who are worried about a loved ones drinking. Or maybe the crowd will just be full of people who are interested in hearing stories of others lives.

Any or all of that is fine by me. I just want to go and be honest about my drinking and my journey in sobriety. I want to be honest about how low my self-worth & self-respect was when I was drinking, and how improved it is now. I want to explain how being trapped inside my drinkers brain had me feeling miserable, confused, and very alone. And I want to explain how all of those negative feelings slowly turned around when I took the booze away.

I just want to lay it all out. No lies. No embellishments. Just the raw honest truth. And, knowing me, the odd swearword!

The wonderful Jean from Unpicked Blog posted this video on her Facebook page the other day. It's a man called Bill White who is an addiction expert in the states. In this video he talks about the need to break down the stigmas and stereotypes surrounding addicts and people who are in recovery. He is calling for a "vanguard of people in who are recovery to step forward. People who are temperamentally suited for that role, and whose personal and family circumstances allow them to take on part of that public role, to simply step forward and put a face and voice on recovery. And as soon as we begin to get this vanguard to step forward those stereotypes can't be sustained any longer."

I liked this a whole lot! It made me feel a little more brave and a little more proud about putting myself forward as a visible person in recovery.

And it's always nice to get a wee break away from my domestic routine....

Love, Mrs D xxx

Sometimes the benefits take a long time to emerge...

I've been emailing with a friend this week about big things that are going on in our lives - things that we don't share about in detail online - things to do with people around us.

I ended our last email with the line: "Only good things come when we get sober.. but they do take a long time sometimes"

It got me thinking ... and so yesterday I wrote this post at Living Sober.

(This is a reminder that Living Sober is where I am doing most of my writing on sobriety nowadays).

Love, Mrs D xxx

Mrs D Is Going Within

I am happy to report that my year of exercise is starting off well! I am back at the gym 2-3 times a week and although I wouldn't call myself a super gym-bunny I am there and I am doing it, and it is having a big impact on my mental health (and hopefully soon my body!).

I wrote a post this week at Living Sober called 'Things I work on in recovery' which was a good basic outline of all the elements I am focusing on in my sober lifestyle right now. Living Sober is where I do most of my blogging nowadays on sobriety. I post twice a week there, and often draw from updates the members are writing as inspiration for a post.

It's such a rich and warm online space I really do recommend you go hang out there if you want to feel part of a cool sober club and get support with kicking booze to the curb. You can read the Mrs D's Blog page as a non-member (and that is where I am posting twice weekly) or if you register to join (it's free and you can be anonymous!) you get access to the 'Members Feed' which is where people are taking to each other in real-time about their sober trials and triumphs.  

Me, well true to my last post here I am starting to look at mindfulness and meditation in more depth, and have started blogging about it to help keep myself focussed and keep track of all the research I am doing in this area. I have to say it is bloody good to have a push of energy in a new direction - and I'm really excited about what might emerge for me. I've called the blog 'Mrs D Is Going Within' so check it out if you think that sounds at all interesting.

And now I must go to school and help out with gymnastics for an hour or so!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Monkeys ….

So I've actually been kinda grumpy and wound up lately, and feeling hassled about the world and my life, and moaning to friends about how much parenting I do and how intense it is and how the summer holidays were incredibly long and how this school year began but only for two days and then stopped and then we had a long weekend and how Mr D went away for 5 days for work ….

And I've been thinking that I need to get into some meditating or some such to calm my brain down and just chill the fuck out so I can feel happy and peaceful again (if I ever did? I'm sure I do a lot…) and I followed lots of lovely advice from blog readers and downloaded Headspace again and started their 10-day free trial and listened to Day 1 and the nice English man guiding me through a meditation but that was 3 days ago and I still haven't done Day 2 ….

And I found the Oprah and Deepak meditation site and registered via email for something-I'm-not-sure-what, it was all rather confusing, nothing is free but then sometimes they offer stuff free? Maybe I'll get another email when it's ready? There was a free sample on the App but it was also confusing, just an Indian man (Deepak?) saying 'I will embrace all the beauty around' (or something) about five times and then just some music which was nice but reminded me of beauty therapist music - whales and chimes and all floaty sounds… could only listen for five minutes because in the background was the sound of a man playing a video game on YouTube which my 8-year-old was listening to really loudly.

And still I'm kind of grumpy and dissatisfied and I keep thinking 'what the hell is wrong with your life you crazy woman your problems are so very 'first world problems' get over yourself' and I try to cheer up but the kids are still very full on and I get very crampy with a bad period (sorry TMI) and I start to think it is maybe just the hormones that is making me grumpy.

Then last night some girlfriends come over and we talk about menopause and how that's the next thing for us to have to get ready for. And I tell them I'm crampy and grumpy and they tell me I've been through a lot lately and we all share about our lives and it's wonderful and female and restorative but still I think 'first world problems get over yourself you've got nothing at all to worry about'.

And then I get up in the night and pull a muscle or something in my hip so now my entire back right side lower back is sore and it keeps me awake and I'm worrying about getting old (and now I'm typing worrying that I am sounding very intense and wound up). And then at breakfast Mr D says he'll take all the boys to school and I'm thinking that I should go to the gym because that's what I do now, but then my hip is hurting and suddenly they've all left the house and I'm still in my pajamas so I get back into bed.

And then I remember someone on my last post mentioned Tara Brach's guided meditation podcasts and I think 'of course!' because I love Tara Brach - she is my guru but I only listen to her hour long talks, not her 20-minute guided meditations (of course because sitting in the quiet isn't something I do, the talks are active listening and that's why I like them).. so I pull a Tara guided meditation up on my iPad and start listening.

And I breath like she tells me to, I don't chant 'om' like she tells me to but I hear all the people on the recording with her chanting 'om' and that is lovely but then I start thinking about them and wondering about their lives and then I hear the recycling truck pouring bottles in around the neighborhood and I realise we forgot to put our rubbish out last night and then I start planning a trip to the dump this weekend, then I listen to Tara and try to quiet my mind but then I start planning some work stuff and it goes like this until I say out loud 'sorry Tara' and turn the meditation off with 4 mins and 58 seconds still to go.

And then I pick up my book because I'm still thinking this being in bed thing is a good thing, and I resume reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and she is writing about trying to learn how to meditate while at an Ashram in India and she writes about her monkey brain and her fighting against her thoughts and ego and busy busy brain and the awful time she has every time she has to meditate and the fighting that goes on in her head and then suddenly she writes about an intense moment that occurs for her when all the chattering, negative thoughts in her mind scatter and a regal silence follows: "An intense, vibrating, awed silence."

And then I remember someone on our site saying they experience moments of pure joy when meditating.

And then I think this is what I am going to work on.

Love, Mrs D xxx