Pour Me...

Oh the wonders of A.A. Gill. I love, love, love him, love his writing. I have always loved his writing.. right from back when I was living in London in the late 90's reading his columns in the Sunday Times.

Back then I had no idea (or didn't care) that he was an alcoholic in recovery. Why would I? I was boozing up a storm myself! But over the years I've become dimly aware of that fact.. and now of course it looms large in my mind when I think of him. He's a sober superstar!

And now he has a memoir out about his drinking! I was warned by an online buddy that 'Pour Me: A Life' wouldn't satisfy as a recovery memoir.. and A.A. himself says on page 8 "Let's get one thing straight, this is no faith-infused pulpit tale of redemption. This isn't  going to be my debauched drink-and-drug hell, there will be no lessons to learn, no experience to share, there won't be handy hints, lists, golden rules ... I have no message, no help". Consider myself warned....

No need. I have absolutely loved this book and found it hugely powerful, very insightful and moving. He has such a clever way with words, such a brilliant way to convey the realities of living with addiction.

On waking up: "It's not a simple transition. It's not how you wake up, like turning the key in the ignition - a couple of coughs and you're ticking over in neutral. A drunk's awakening has layers and protocols. There is a great deal of spare and lonely emotion that has to be acknowledged, folded up and buried between sleep and consciousness."

Spare and lonely emotion. Oh yes, I know it well.

And this: "Booze is a depressant, a close relative of anaesthetic. The symptoms of getting drunk are like those of being put out for an operation - initially, fleetingly, it offers a lift, a sense of transient joy, of confident light-headed freedom, it's a disinhibitor; relaxes your shyness and natural reserve so you can feel socially optimistic in a room, can make a pass, tell a joke, meet a stranger. But this is just the free offer to snag a punter. Drink is, at its dark, pickled heart, a sepia pessimist. It draws curtains, pulls up the counterpane. It smothers and softens and smoothes. The bliss of drink is that it's a small death."

A small death. Death by a thousand sips. Thank fucking goodness I stopped killing myself with that shitty liquid.

And this: "Alcoholic despair is a thing apart, created by the drink that is a depressant, but also the architect of all the pratfall calamities that fuel it. Alcohol is the only medication the drunk knows and trusts, a perfectly hopeless circle of angst, and it is all powered by a self-loathing that is obsessively stoked and fed. And it's that - that personally awarded, vainly accepted disgust - that makes it so hard to sympathise with drunks. Nothing you can say or do comes close to the wreaths of guilt we lay at our own cenotaph."

How can this man write. Wonderful! Highly recommended.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Making Recovery Visible..

I've been in two mainstream media stories recently focused on sobriety and recovery.

One was a newspaper story headlined "High-functioning alcoholics: A hidden hell". The article carried the story of three of us former heavy drinkers now living sober. The link to the article is here.

The other was a TV item on a popular nightly news programme. They called the piece "Quitting drinking for good: The stories from those who've done it." The story featured me and one other sober woman talking about how happy we are now that we've stopped drinking, plus a psychologist on how she reckons New Zealanders are dialing back on their drinking. The link to the item is here (ignore the presenter's defensive and egocentric comments at the end - says more about him than anything).

Nothing could detract from the fact that these smiling faces of happy non-drinkers were featured prominently on prime-time tele.

These are powerful images. Happy non-drinkers. Happy people in recovery. Happy people who were formerly miserable because of alcohol. Happy. Happy. Happy.

Both stories - but particularly the TV one (such is the power of that medium) - had a big impact. Visitors to my blog spiked. I had loads of interactions on my social media accounts. Hits on Living Sober exploded and we had a MASSIVE influx of new members.

This is called Making Recovery Visible. This is why I do all that I do. To reach out via whatever means available to let people know you CAN get free. You CAN rid yourself from that misery and guilt. You CAN retrain your brain not to miss that liquid.

Recovery is possible, attainable, desirable, and great.

You WILL get to a place where 5pm rolls around with little or no fanfare (and no booze ever!). You WILL get to a place where you trust yourself again. You WILL get to a place where you love yourself again. And best of all.. you WILL finish your life discovering who you really are.

That's the best bit. Through all of the hard work and tears, through all of the anger, sadness, boredom, and angst, through all of the joy, delight, satisfaction, and pride.. you will discover who you really are.

And what better respect can you pay to your one wild and precious life than that?

Love, Mrs D xxx

Sober Hero YEAH!!!!!!!!

Ugh have been slammed with a heavy head cold which is VERY reminiscent of having a bad hangover. Not fun, not fun at all.

Spent most of the weekend trying to hold my head up complaining about the fact that I couldn't taste any food.

Speaking of food I'm so sick of all the hard-core 'clean eating' messages that keep bombarding me through our local news websites, and my Facebook and Instagram feeds. Am sick of feeling guilty about bread and sugar and cheese and stuff. It's such the modern-day bandwagon isn't it.. all this healthy, paleo, grain-rich, veggie-rich food.

Everything in moderation!!!

If only it were that simple. I am TERRIBLE at moderation. I've said before that I think my moderation button was broken at birth. If I have a piece of chocolate I'll have 10. If I have one delicious warm fresh-out-of-the-oven banana choc-chip muffins with butter and jam added I'll have 3. If I have one piece of fresh bakery bread slathered with butter I'll have 4.

And obviously if I have one glass of wine I'll have 8. One was never enough. In fact even now I don't see the point of one glass of wine. What is the point of one glass of wine? Why not have lots? Why just have a teeny tiny buzz when  you can have a hard-core buzz?

If I was given the option now to magically & miraculously be able to drink one glass of wine every night for the rest of my life I would say NO THANKS!

What would that nightly single glass of wine offer me? The taste of wine? Yuk. The feeling of having a blurred-out, numbed-out, checked-out brain? Well no.. one glass of wine wouldn't offer that. It would just hint at that.

So what's the point? To not feel left out because I'm the only one not drinking (as is often the case)? Well I'm not bloody left out by not drinking.. I'm still totally involved in whatever the scenario is, just so happens my glass has a different liquid in it.

I can't see anything that that one glass of wine could offer my life to make it better.

And anyway.. I love being sober too much. I love the challenge of having to navigate a raw, un-inebriated brain 100% of the time. I love belonging to the fantastic, brave and amazing gang of people who never touch alcohol ever. I love being fully alert and aware of all that is happening around me and to me all the time.

I love waking up every morning with no hangover. I love never having to worry about my liver because of all the alcohol it is processing. I love that even if I am not managing to be a clean-eating goddess like many other people seem to be (all over my social media anyway) I am managing to be a sober hero.

Sober hero!!! That's me. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Authentic me.

Have had a fun & social weekend! We went to a neighbourhood party on each day so there has been lots of meeting people and chatting and being social and polite.

It's been lovely, a little bit of effort but not too much. Both events were very relaxed and nice and I met some lovely new people in the neighbourhood.

Most people were having the odd beer and wine at each event but not much. If I'd have been drinking I probably wouldn't have presented as over-enthusiastic either.. I would have had a respectable one or two wines and would have remained well-behaved.

But because the beast in me would have been awakened I would have likely gone home after each event and continued on drinking - a lot. I would have polished off at least a bottle of wine to myself on Saturday night (probably more) .. and as a result at the Sunday afternoon event I would have been hungover. That wouldn't have stopped me from having another wine or two in the afternoon and sure enough I would have been pulled in the direction of even more back at home on Sunday night.

How often I would turn up to things hungover? A lot. Kids birthday parties particularly - I have distinct memories of being at kids birthday parties where I was so hungover I could hardly string two sentences together.. I remember making mumbled excuses as to why I was a bit quiet - 'am pretty hungover today' sort of thing. Wonder what the other adults thought of me when I said that? 'She's a lush' probably. But in my mind I just thought it showed that I was sort-of cool and hard core.

How deluded I was.

I like sober me. I know that some people might think I'm boring because I don't drink. I know some people might think I'm quiet or low-key at a social event.. but the more I live not drinking the more I just settle into who I am. Who I really am. Authentic me.

Authentic me is more comfortable sitting quietly in a group not feeling the need to fill every gap in the conversation. 

Authentic me is happy to quietly stand and smile and chat a little but not feel itchy or jumpy about the interactions that are going on. 

Authentic me has space in her brain to really listen to what other people are saying and to engage with them in a genuine manner.

Authentic me can still get embarrassed or feel awkward at times in a social setting.. but by and large authentic me is pretty comfortable in her own skin. 

Without a doubt the word authentic is one of my most favourite words in the entire English language nowadays. It has such wonderful connotations. It implies qualities that are calm, content, genuine, honest, truthful, real. All of those things I was desperately wanting (and trying) to be when I was boozing. 

Without booze you have no choice but to discover authentic you. 

And that, my friends, is a truly wonderful & rewarding thing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Happy place..

I'm sitting on the sofa with my laptop typing while watching the Oscars Red Carpet on tele - talk about being in my happy place!! I have a huge basket of washing here that I am going to fold soon too. I have already done a good couple of hours of hard-out housework (scrubbing, vacuuming, mopping) and have walked the dog up the hill AND I just made some muffins for my boys to eat after school. I will go to get them in a couple of hours and then it will be busy, busy, busy till bed time.

So I have really earned this Oscars break!

Feeling very good right now, strong and proud of myself. So incredibly happy that I have stopped drinking alcohol and now move through my life with all it's ups and downs and NEVER escape my emotions or succumb to peer pressure or social awkwardness to pick up booze.

I think I've been fairly transparent about the fact that I've been going through a gritty time recently (things going on that I don't share about online) and I've come through this period feeling just that little bit stronger and more resolved about myself and this world we live in.

Once again proof that it's ALWAYS worth pushing through a tough time not drinking... the tears and discomfort and tension etc always pays off.

That's all for now - got to get this washing folded!

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. I did a podcast with Belle from the blog Tired of Thinking About Drinking ... was fun! You can listen to the audio for free here.

A brilliant podcast about discomfort

I have just listened to THE MOST BRILLIANT BUBBLE HOUR PODCAST!!! Sorry for yelling but this talk was EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now. I want to type the whole thing out word for word and share it here but of course I can't. Here is the link. I heartily recommend a listen - especially for those who are in longer-term recovery, but also those that are not.. it's a very honest and comforting talk that has me feeling really reassured this morning.

The discussion is largely about how long term sobriety in many ways gets harder. About how although the desire to pick up has evaporated, living can be still very challenging. And how the more aware we get and the more clarity we have about life's challenges the more acute they become - and that's not always easy.

We have phases of serious discomfort and they suck.

And the more sober time that passes for us and the more normal it becomes for us to get through a hard phase without drinking the less we can lean on feeling good about that fact. It becomes 'Of course I got through that shit without drinking - I don't do that any more. But it still sucked.'  It was so reassuring to hear Anna and the hosts admit this and talk about it.

One of the hosts said she feels like she has a 'chronic waiting sensation'. Waiting for everything to be ok. Thinking 'soon everything will be ok'. And then she gets unpleasantly baffled by 'oh shit I'm uncomfortable again. Aren't I not supposed to feel this way? Because I'm sober and my life is meant to be good.'

Yes, yes and yes.. I can relate.

They said (and this I really relate to) that in the beginning it is easy for us to substitute other things for drinking but the longer we go on in recovery the less those things work. They are just keeping our addictive tendencies alive. You're still distracting yourself from yourself. So with every new level in recovery there is a new devil to confront. This is right where I am right now. New level new devil.

Its annoying because I don't want to have to keep digging deep to fix more shit about myself but the truth is I must. Sigh....

Then Anna said: 'but that's good because it gets more real and more real leads to amazing gifts'. Uncomfortable phases - while awful to get through - ended up offering serious learning that leads to a greater capacity to deal with stuff - it's always worthwhile in the end and afterwards there will be a breakthrough of sorts and shit will get easy again.

So slowly, slowly it gets easier. It's not all an uphill battle. But always there is this discomfort, facing new realities, confronting new devils.

Life is about getting comfortable with discomfort, that's all we're doing. We get better at it over time and that's what makes it easier, but that's all we're doing.

Hope this isn't too negative.

Today is a bloody marvellously stupendous day to be sober!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Like a misty fog...

Sometimes I get melancholy. It just arrives slowly like a misty fog and sits for a bit and no amount of 'thinking' my way out of it can shift it. I just try to be with it (I don't have any choice actually!), keep myself grounded in the moment and not over-ruminate about why I'm in this state ... I know that soon it will shift.

Someone asked a question after my last post: "What do you mean by 'grounding yourself in the moment' throughout the day?" I mean literally taking myself out of my head (thinking) and down into my body/the earth. So I look at my hands and think about what they're doing (washing dishes, holding the steering wheel). I look at what is in front of me and make myself focus on that (the droplets running down the shower wall, the trees outside the window, the clouds in the sky, the dog on the path). I focus on what is happening for my physical body on the earth right now. Grounding myself. Not thinking about anything except what is happening right now in this very moment.

Anyway...I'm lucky that my melancholy phases don't tend to last for long.. maybe a day or two.. and they are usually to be expected. They come after I've had a very busy time or a gritty time or some such phase that has taken it out of me, i.e. they're the low after the storm.

So that's me today. I'm just in a low key mood. It's ok. I'm ok.

I wrote in the Members Feed at Living Sober the other day that sometimes I think I’ve forgotten what a big deal it is getting used to living raw all the time. I’m so used to it now it’s my norm.. but when I first stopped drinking it was a bloody shock and not nice at all. Not nice at all. Just a big wide open raw brain 24/7.

That's the thing about being sober, it's not about feeling left out or hankering for booze or worrying what others think of you or regretting the past (although all of those things crop up from time to time).. it's just the relentless nature of being raw 100% of the time.

Raw. Sober. Wide-open brain. No escape. Sober. Sober. Sober.

I love it. Even when I'm a bit melancholy like now.. because what is the alternative? Having some alcohol which will have some sort of impact on my brain which will take me away from my natural ebbs and flows? No thanks. I don't do that any more. That shit has no place in my life.

Just writing this out has made me feel better. Externalising my internal processes always frees me up. That's why I blog. Thanks blog!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Who have I become...?

I was talking to my sister on the phone yesterday and we were laughing about how I used to be very scornful and resistant about doing any inner (dare I say spiritual?) work on myself. "I'm not a naval gazer" was my oft-repeated line back in the day when I was a boozy boozer completely cut off from myself.

We were laughing because my how times have changed!

I'd just been telling her how I'd signed up to do a month-long meditation challenge, and was back listening to Tara Brach again and all sorts of other stuff (I chart exactly what inner - dare I say spiritual? - work I am doing in my Mrs D Is Going Within blog.)

And the reason I'm doing all of this stuff is because IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life has been a bit gritty for me lately for one reason and another (and another and another) - I've been doing it tough. And a big part of the problem was that while dealing with some gritty things I'd forgotten about the big picture. I'd forgotten to put myself in perspective. I'd forgotten to wonder at the miracle that is my life. I'd slipped from trying to live mindfully. I'd stopped regularly reminding myself to ground myself in the moment throughout the day. I'd forgotten that I am not my thoughts and that my thoughts are not facts. I had forgotten that I am more than the sum of events that occur for me or the interactions I have with people.

When I do remember to pull back from this narrow sense of self I am reminded that my existence is a miracle and this world is a miracle and this life is fleeting and that love and goodness and kindness are real and true and things that exist for me every day.

I am not my dirty kitchen floors and I am not my tears and I am not my concerns for the future and I am not my regrets about the past and I am not my unmet deadline and I am not my insecurities and I am not my sadness and I am not my extra 4kg of body weight that I would love to lose.

Those things are real.. but they do not make me who I am.

I am a pair of lungs that breaths in, and out, and in, and out, and in, and out, and in. I am a person with flaws and beauties and struggles and triumphs. Right now I am a person sitting sideways on a kitchen chair with my legs crossed, my left forearm resting on the table and my fingers flying over a keyboard. I am a pair of lungs breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out.

And when I remember to take this mental 'step back' and look at the big picture and ground myself and feel my breath and put myself in perspective (one of a million billion miraculous organism existing on this planet), I wonder at the world, I relax about my place in it, and I feel calm.

This post title asks 'who have I become?' I can answer this now. I am a naval gazer extraordinaire!!!!!!!!! And I love it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Sometimes I wish....

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country which wasn't so booze soaked.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country where daily habitual drinking wasn't the norm.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country where every social event wasn't liquored up. Where people didn't get steadily more slurry and blurry as the night goes on.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country full of people who enjoyed having a clear head ... not people who embraced imbibing alcohol all the time and all that comes with that.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country where the wine and beer wasn't sold in my supermarket right next to the bread and cheese. This is not an issue of being tempted... it's the message that is being sent by having that liquid drug treated as an ordinary commodity. It's the message that selling alcohol with groceries sends to all the many people who struggle to control it.

The message I hear every time I walk past the booze section is 'don't know what your problem is...we're all fine with this stuff'.

The problem is we're NOT all fine with it. There are HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of people in this country who are not fine with alcohol ... people who are locked in a fierce internal struggle with themselves about trying to control and moderate it. I know this because I talk to them every day at Living Sober.

In fact if I could do one thing I'd take the bloody beer and wine out of the supermarkets and have it sold only in specialised shops. It would be nice for me if that happened...but it would be really, really, really nice for the people who are still trying to fix their relationship with it.

Anyway back to what I wish.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country where I wasn't the odd one out for not drinking. I wish I lived in a country where not drinking was the norm and people who imbibed booze regularly were the odd ones out.

Most of the time I'm fine with being the odd one out because I love being sober and I so appreciate my clear head and I love feeling so much more connected with my fellow human beings, and I am so so so happy and proud of myself for turning my life around, and I adore feeling like a fully realised and properly grounded human being, and I am delighted with my incredibly enriched internal life.

But sometimes I wish I lived in a country that was full of people who appreciated the same things.

Just sometimes.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Anger...

I'm getting much better at handling my anger outbursts. I'm not saying I don't ever have them - they do come - but much more often now I am able to stay calm and somewhat 'zen' when I'm being pushed, pushed, pushed by my grumpy offspring.

It's the parenting that really pushes my anger button. I never seem to get angry at random things like other motorists or broken things or annoying people on the radio ... but parenting ... it can push me into previously uncharted emotional waters!

Of course as a mum I also experience ridiculous amounts of love and devotion and protection and pride and all of that. But anger.. yeah .. that's the quite intense one.

When I first got sober I had some spectacular outbursts.. but slowly I learnt that screaming at the kids didn't actually achieve much other than make them scream back at me even louder. And slowly I learned that keeping myself low and level worked much better at defusing their outbursts. I find now (when I am managing to control myself) I go into this weird 'zen' mode when I'm almost on a go-slow not responding to their outbursts. It's very disempowering for them and things settle down much more quickly.

And when I decide the fight is over I move very quickly act all easy-breezy and loving again to try to make it easier for them to come out of their bad mood. Because I figure I'm the adult so I have to show emotional management because goodness knows at ages 11, 9 & 6 their emotional management skills are very underdeveloped.

THANK GOODNESS I GOT SOBER!!!!!!!!!

Honestly - with so many tough parenting years to come (the teenage years - 'shudder') the more clever I am at controlling myself in the midst of their turmoil the better.

Anyway.. we are nearing the end of our long, long summer holidays. I've got an extra kid here today so have been surrounded by 4 young boys all day and it's hot, they're tired, they're sick of each other (my sons especially), and the bickering has been intense. But I've managed to (so far) stop myself from completely losing my rag.

I've been placating, negotiating, feeding, watering, entertaining, exercising, monitoring and generally parenting young lads without too much angst. And now it's 5pm and because I don't drown myself in wine every evening (like I used to) I am going to make myself a nice cold soda water instead. With ice and a slice. Because I'm worth it.

And here's hoping the zen approach stays with me til bedtime...

Love, Mrs D xxx