Sobriety - it only brings good things.

OMG I can't believe I've been going SO LONG now without eating any sugar or flour and I'm feeling SO GREAT!! I almost can't believe it! Who am I? Maybe this is me and finally at nearly 6 years sober I've gotten my shit together regarding food and this will be me for the rest of my life....

Maybe....

Or maybe not. Whatever the case I am thoroughly enjoying being cravings free and guilt free and generally just feeling lighter and happier without those sugary/floury foods (and believe me, when I go for them I really go for them and the past year while writing and putting out the new book I was REALLY going for them....)

No big weight loss as yet but it's not about that (although I'd be lying if I said I'm not hoping for a bit of a drop!) .. mostly it's about feeling free mentally from the obsession and binging and guilt.

Just to be clear I would class myself as 95% free from flour and sugar. I do sometimes have some fruit cordial with my fizzy water or sweet chilli sauce with my dinner. A few times I've had a piece of pie with pastry around it or a little bit of pasta. So there is some flour getting in there and some sugar.

I've found that letting in these very small amounts is enough to keep the cravings at bay. And if I do eat something sweet (like the other night I went out with girlfriends for pudding and I ordered a fruit crumble but asked for no ice cream and left half the topping behind) I know that the next day I'll probably have a craving.. and sure enough after my crumble-eating night I did. The following evening I found myself itching for something sweet, my thoughts were pulling me in that direction.

But I was prepared for it and tried to observe the craving with interest rather than fight it and think stressfully about it (and certainly not act on it!). I noticed the craving thoughts but didn't let them bed in and dominate. I told myself the craving was like a wave and would pass. I visualised myself getting into bed without having had anything sweet (like I used to when I first quit drinking, I'd visualise myself climbing into bed without having a drink). I put on the jug and made myself a cup of tea and sure enough the craving passed and I didn't spend my entire evening obsessing and the next day it was gone!

If I don't feed the cravings (literally) they die!

Like I said earlier.. long may this healthy eating phase last!

So this isn't really about drinking and I'm sorry about that because I get the feeling a lot of people visit this blog to read about sobriety except to say there is NO WAY I would be here now living my best life, learning about myself, accepting who I am and how my brain works if I hadn't quit drinking nearly 6 years ago.

I challenge anyone to find someone in long term recovery who hasn't experienced positive developments in their life.

Also quickly just to end on I'd like to update my Blog List (running down the left hand side of my blog page in case you are reading this on email). If you write a blog or can recommend someone else's sober blog please let me know so I can add it to my list!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Introducing the Nucleus Accumbens

Had a lot going on lately. Very busy at home with the kids, doing my usual writing and social media and stuff, also working through some significant changes with my job at Living Sober, and had to give a talk yesterday evening in Parliament which also involved a bit of prep and some advance media (here and here).

Also managing to get in time to read some novels (this was great!), watch some of my beloved (crap) TV and go to the gym & walk the dog. Who am I??!! A busy sober housewife that's who!

Honestly I sometimes wonder how the hell I achieved so much when I was still boozing. Back then I was hellishly busy too - bringing up babies, working part time and doing my Masters etc... all of that and at least a bottle of wine a night. Sheesh... it's pretty amazing how much a human can handle.

Anyhoo it's far easier now I'm sober and I just love the end of every day when I'm snuggled up on the sofa or in bed with a mug of my favourite Chamomile tea. I LOVE my sober evenings, I LOVE laying my sober head on the pillow, and I LOVE sleeping all night long and waking up without a hangover. Bliss.

The Parliamentary talk went well. I was a bit nervous but not too bad - always happy to give voice to the thousands of us who are sober or busy getting sober. Bloody legends all of us. Happy to articulate our experience and try to get us more recognition. In this country we treat alcohol like a normal, ordinary, everyday, harmless commodity and that is simply not the case for all of us.

They had delicious mocktails at the event and I'm kicking myself for not getting a photo and asking for the recipe as it'd be a great drink to share!

And I am very proud to report that I am STILL avoiding flour and sugar and I'm feeling sooooo much better for it. I've been reading about the human brain and I now know that it's the Nucleus Accumbens which is responsible for dopamine production and when you pound it all the time with substances that cause major dopamine surges (alcohol, cocaine, sugar & flour to name but a few) it 'downregulates' and gets smaller, so then you need more of the stuff to kick out any dopamine.. and then you're in the addiction cycle, one that I know so well.

So now I like to think that I'm in the process of healing my Nucleus Accumbens back to normal size by avoiding these things and then I'll have a healthy brain capable of delivering normal, healthy doses of dopamine when appropriate - not when forced out by crappy stuff.

Love learning about my brain! Real practical information is really helpful for me when making decisions. And I'm so, so delighted to be free of ANY addictive behaviours at the moment. I truly feel free. Long may it last.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Ordinary and fabulous...

It is 8.20pm on a Monday evening. I have just tidied away the dinner dishes, put a load of washing into the dryer and made some beds.

I am now lying on the sofa with the laptop resting on my thighs. I have on my comfy pants and my slippers and a big pink sweatshirt. Comfy, comfy, comfy.

Mr D has just walked into the room after putting our 7-year-old to bed and I have (nicely) asked him for a cup of tea. He knows it's the chamomile time of night.

On the TV is a show about people renovating homes. My 10-year old has now just joined me on the sofa with his hair wet and PJs on after having a bath that I insisted on him having. He resisted but now he is clean and fresh and that makes me happy. He turns 11 in three days and we are discussing what he wants for his birthday breakfast (a pancake stack, maple syrup and bacon "with icing sugar sprinkled over like at a cafe mum").

I can hear my 12-year-old in the study with his friend who is here on a sleepover. They are playing Minecraft and talking online with other friends who are also playing.

The dog has just ambled into the room and stuck his nose into my arm. I had to pause typing to give him some scratchy love and now he's collapsed onto the rug.

My muscles are sore from the gym this morning. I have increased my weights slightly because I want to keep pushing myself and because I can!

The tea has arrived and it smells delicious. Mr D has switched the renovation programme to Game of Thrones. I'm not a huge Game of Thrones fan but I suppose he has the right to do that given he made the tea.

This is my ordinary and glorious sober life. Utterly fabulous and ordinary and cosy and sober.

Sober, sober, sober, sober.

Sobriety gives me so much. It gives me calm where before there was boozy chaos. It gives me clarity where before there was blurry confusion. It gives me peace where before there was guilt and misery.

Above all it gives me strength and pride and the ability to keep pushing myself forward. Onwards! Always.

Love, Mrs D xxx

(Photo taken yesterday on the wonderful wild coastline just 15 minutes drive from our house.)

Proud of myself

I have been so proud of myself this week dragging my middle aged, wobbly body to the gym three times to go over my new weights programme.

Proud of myself that even when I'm lying on a mat doing bicycle crunches looking at myself in the mirror from the most unflattering angle ever noticing my boobs have basically fallen into my armpits all I am thinking is "I'm doing it!!"

Proud of myself that I'm not letting all the buff bodies around me put me off my own private mission to stay in touch with my fitness and keep working on my body.

Proud that I keep pushing myself forward even when I self sabotage (I ate a huge piece of fudge last night and felt sick when I woke up but still went to the gym).

Proud of myself that even though I might have had a sugar hangover this morning I did not have a booze hangover and that is because I gave that shit up 5 3/4 years ago!!

So, so, so, so proud of myself that I am sober.

Proud of myself that I face every goddamn emotion in my life like disappointment, frustration, boredom and sadness with a clear head and willing heart.

Proud of myself that I have gotten so much better at accepting situations for what they are rather than pushing against them wishing things were different.

Proud that I am modelling sobriety to my kids and even if they don't fully understand at this stage of their lives what I did in beating my addiction they will when they're adults and that will be a great thing.

Feeling proud of myself is one of the greatest gifts of sobriety. All the tea in china can't buy pride - nor can loads of money or the right connections. Pride has to come from deep within and when you feel it towards yourself it is so powerful and magical.

Every day - even the shit ones - I always feel proud of myself that I am sober.

It's a glorious thing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Gym bunny me!

I have just re-joined the gym! Woo Hoo! Enough wallowing in my emotional funk. Enough ruminating over how nervous and vulnerable I've been feeling about the new book coming out and all my boring thoughts about me, my book, me, my life, me yadda yadda. Enough insecure introspection. Enough emotional eating to distract myself from uncomfortable feelings. Enough bad TV to distract myself from uncomfortable feelings. ENOUGH!

(In case you thought I was the perfect example of a sober zen housewife, I'm not! I still use food and TV to distract myself when the going gets tough.)

Anyway... that phase is over. It's time for some forward momentum. I'm going to get my body back into shape (even a little bit of shape will suffice!). I'm going to pump myself full of all those natural endorphins and serotonin and whatever-else-comes-from-exercise and I'm moving on.

Feels bloody good to be honest. I'm back at the gym where I used to go when our littlest was a pre-schooler and he attended the creche there while I worked out. I know the place. I know they have a pump class at 9.30 on a Monday morning which I used to love. I'm going to start doing that again plus maybe another class or two and sometimes my own programme of weights and cardio.

I may be 45 but I am not giving up on this body quite yet! And I'm not going to stagnate in a pit of self-absorbed despair. I'm going to get back exercising and keep focusing on all the other stuff I do (parenting and housewifeing and running Living Sober) with increased positivity and a metaphorical spring in my step!

It's not that things have been terrible but it has been quite a gritty phase lately and I have fallen into bad habits and have gained weight so I'm feeling a bit blah. Not terrible, but blah so it's good that I've decided enough is enough.

I'm still a goddamn motherfucking legend for getting through all of my life without numbing and avoiding with booze.

I'm still a sober superstar who lives every single moment of her life with a raw and wide-open brain.

And I'm still a heroic recovery warrior who feels all the feels at full volume - 150% awake and alive to everything all of the time.

And now I'm a gym bunny to boot - ha ha!

Love, Mrs D xxx

A fully realised human...

Things are calming down now and getting back to normal. In other words my nerves and adrenaline are subsiding now and I am calming down and getting back to normal. 

I have to be honest I didn't hugely enjoy that whole 'putting out the new book' process. Bit of a bummer because I wanted to feel happy and proud and all my lovely friends and family were happy and proud for me but I can't hide the truth that overall I felt very edgy and vulnerable and insecure about the whole thing. 

Of course the fact that I'm sober means every experience I go through I feel acutely at 150% volume and this was no exception! Raw and real is how I experience things.. I'm cool with that because I LOVE being sober and out of the boozy trap I was once in.. but I'm not sure I will be writing and putting out another book any time soon. 

Or if I do it will be about something other than the innermost workings of my mind.

Anyway - got a wee bit of media around the book release which was nice and all the interviewers were very kind. Jack Tame on Newstalk ZB called me 'reluctantly introspective' which was right on the money I thought. His radio interview is here. Jesse Mulligan on Radio NZ laughed when I told him I was a 'girly swat' when I set about learning mindfulness. His radio interview is here. Carly Flynn was very complimentary which was very nice of her and I really enjoyed talking to Tim Fookes as well. Also got a couple of print articles here and here. 

I'm never nervous when I'm actually talking to journalists because I always see it as an opportunity to get the word out about recovery and hopefully reach more people who might be living in a boozy hell. It's just when I'm sitting at home in the quiet that I feel a bit exposed and weird... but no more complaining! No-one made me write this book and overall I am pleased to have written out what I learned to make my sober life more manageable .. and there's no denying that consolidating it all into book form helped me further cement many of the concepts and tools I've been learning and developing. 

I've had a couple of people say the book isn't available overseas yet. The kindle is on Amazon (just make sure you're not looking at the print copy as they don't get it till November) and if you buy a hard copy from Book Depository they'll ship it straight away anywhere in the world for free!

Today I am pottering at home doing some blog writing, cooking dinner (getting a bit fancy and making Chermoula Marinade for chicken kebabs), and looking after the dog who has a cone on his head to stop him licking his infected paw. I am watching The Real Housewives of New York while I cook and drinking a delicious Hot Cinnamon Sunset tea. Later I will run the boys around to their rugby practice/drama classes/Scout Scavenger Hunt and finally will collapse into bed with a mug of chamomile tea. 

Sober life is good. It's gritty and gnarly at times but always rewarding and genuine. I finally feel fully alive truly experiencing what it means to be a fully realised human. 

So, so grateful I got alcohol out of my life 2102 days ago. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. Cheesy selfie taken at the airport when I spotted my new book on the shelf!

You are not alone...

My new book is now out! Very exciting. It's called Mrs D Is Going Within and it's all about the next-stage work I did on myself and my recovery after getting to around 3 years sober.

It is available on Kindle through Amazon but DON'T buy a hard copy through Amazon they don't get it in their American-based warehouse till November (which strikes me as extremely odd but there it is). If you live overseas best to buy it on Book Depository and they'll ship it anywhere in the world straight away. If you live in NZ MightyApe is best... or of course walk into a book store!

Opening up my buzzy mind to the world in the form of a book has lead to a crap-tonne of vulnerable feelings and lost sleep and nerves in the tummy so I have been pounding my tools to help me get through.

Number 1 tool is forgiving myself for being a nervy wound up mess and not a perfect shining example of a calm zen person and accepting that I am who I am and I can't control my emotions.

I've had a little bit of media around the book which has given me a good opportunity to also talk about Living Sober and it's been great to see some new people hear about our community and come and join us to start talking about their own circumstances regarding alcohol. Hopefully we can all pull together and offer them lots of kindness and understanding and they'll start to climb out of the boozy hole.

It breaks my heart to imagine all the people who are right now in that awful, stuck, lonely place like the one I was in when I was deep in my alcohol addiction.

It's such an awful place to be in - especially because you feel like something is wrong with you that you've got to this miserable place and everyone else is having a fine and dandy time supping their chardonnay and being totally in control.

But believe me YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are so, so, so, so, so many of us who are (or have been) locked into a place of boozy misery. Alcohol is a readily available, cheap, glorified, normalised, highly addictive drug that causes masses of harm to huge amounts of people.

If you are reading this right now and you are feeling stuck and lonely and miserably then please know that it IS possible to change. BELIEVE that change is possible. KNOW that you can get to a place where you won't miss that shit at all. REACH OUT and connect with others who are going through and have been through the same thing, and then START working towards living the rest of your life sober.

You won't regret it. I promise.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Profoundly, deeply, overwhelmingly....

I just had a great boogie at the school disco! Danced up a storm at the back door where I was on duty letting the cool air come in and no kids go out. The DJs (Dads) were playing all manner of brilliant cheesy hits and the kids were having a blast showing adults how to have fun without bending their brains. It was a lovely ending to a day which started sadly at the funeral of a friend's dad.

Home now, kids are in bed and I am lying on the sofa in my PJs watching TV and drinking chamomile tea.

I know there are loads of people who will be out and about this Friday night .. boozing it up merrily at bars and clubs in town. Or maybe creating their own private party at home with wines or some such (like I used to). I don't worry about that or feel like I'm missing out. I did that sort of thing for years and years. I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like to get smashed with friends chatting and laughing and dancing the night away.

I know what it feels like to glug, glug, glug my way through the night with my foot to the floor, charging on all cylinders, necking booze like it's going out of fashion.

I know what it feels like to get hit with waves of nausea on the dance floor.

I know what it feels like to ask the taxi to stop so you can lean out the door and puke onto the road.

I know what it feels like to vomit in the front garden then lie down for a wee nap in the bushes.

I know what it feels like to check your bank account for late night transactions that you can't remember ("must've been another round of chocolate martinis").

I know what it feels like to wake with a pounding head, sick guts and a brain full of nerves and regret.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Then said goodbye, traded in that life for a new one. Re-shaped my identity and became a sober woman.

I love living sober. Living sober means I front up to every experience in my life - whether it be sad or challenging or fun - and experience it 100%. Full throttle. Full noise. Full human experience all day every day. Love it. Love, love, love it.

I often say that I don't regret any of my drinking because what's the point in looking back (and a lot of it was fun let's be honest). But to say that I am grateful to have gotten booze out of my life and be experiencing a totally different way of living is an understatement.

I am so profoundly, deeply, overwhelmingly grateful to be sober. There is not one teeny tiny percent of me that wants to be anything else.

And that is a fantastic way to feel.

Love, Mrs D xxx

What other people think of me is none of my business..

I absolutely love this saying. What other people think of me is none of my business. It sums up such a great attitude to have. I can waste so much time worrying; did I say something stupid when I chatted to that person this morning or does this person think I'm a dickhead or is everyone secretly thinking I'm a yawn fest of a housewife??

But if I remember that what other people think of me is none of my business then I can get myself in perspective and drop the worry.

Getting myself in perspective also involves remembering that most people aren't really thinking of me at all most of the time! I regularly look around and remind myself that every single other person is crazy busy and preoccupied with their own worries and commitments and pressures and close relationships and aren't paying me much attention at all (if any). I find this very calming and relaxing.

Mr D has just gone away overseas for 2 weeks of work and my new book comes out in 3 weeks so it would be fair to say I'm a bit edgy. I'm trying to channel my edginess into good endeavours like getting my smashed wing mirror fixed (whoops!), painting the living room wall deep red (a job for Friday), making online albums with our digital family photos etc etc. Plus all the usual online writing etc and housewife-ing and parenting that I do.

I told the community at Living Sober this morning that I'm going to work hard not to turn into a blobby pig for the next two weeks and to keep up with the things that improve my day just that little bit (dog walking, yoga, healthy drinks and food). And of course no alcohol ever!

It's funny - Mr D being away or out for the evening used to always be a good excuse for me to drink more than normal. So glad those days are over.  Being a heavy boozer seems so foreign to me now.. abstract almost like I can't imagine it ever having been a reality. Five and a half years since my last drink and I am firmly cemented as someone who lives sober. Hallelujah!

Hang in there those of you in the tough early stages. It does get easier and easier the longer you go on.. especially if you do some concerted work on your life to fill in the gap left by alcohol. Find lovely treats and endeavours that will improve your days little bits at a time.

That walk outside might only make things better by 5% but it's better than not having it at all.

This is the trick - to realise these good, nourishing, authentic things (like dog walking, yoga, healthy drinks and food) are subtle and slow-burning. They don't offer quick, dramatic fixes (like booze did), but they are lovely and very effective ... and my lifestyle would certainly be much poorer without them.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The Gift of Desperation...

It's 3am on Tuesday the 6th of September 2011. I am sitting on the toilet in the depths of despair. I am suffering the physical ill-effects of drinking copious amounts of wine the night before, and I am suffering the emotional ill-effects of living for years with a heavy and progressive drinking problem.

At this very moment, with my pants down and tears rolling down my cheeks, I make a decision that will dramatically alter the course of my life. I decide to quit drinking alcohol forever.

That utterly wretched moment - me on the toilet with my self-esteem and self-worth severely diminished - delivered me a powerful point with which to make a change.  A rock on which to build a new foundation.

They call this the gift of desperation. From my worst moment something beautiful grew.

Would I have ever made the dramatic decision to not touch alcohol ever again if I hadn't reached that low point? Maybe if we lived in a different world. A world where it's not such a big deal to never touch alcohol. A world where LOADS of people live sober. Wouldn't that be lovely....!

But sadly this is not the case. In my current environment it is dramatic (to say the least) to choose a lifestyle so at odds with the norm. To choose to always be in the minority at parties and events. To choose to say 'not for me thanks' every time booze is on offer. To choose to never touch alcohol ever despite knowing there is going to be so much emotional pain and hurt coming along that will be hell to deal with.

Making the big dramatic choice to live sober was made simpler for me because of the miserable, low place my drinking took me to. Because of my desperation. This is the gift of desperation.

I call to mind often the feeling I had toward the end of my drinking days - and particularly that last day/night - and it helps remind me why I quit. I will never let myself forget.

As unlikely as it sounds I am profoundly grateful for that awful 3am moment back in 2011 - my shittiest, lowest, most miserable point. Because it truly was a gift, one that I will always be thankful for.

Love, Mrs D xxx