Friday, May 4, 2012

My lush sobriety

Finally got hold of a copy of Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety by Sacha Scoblic after hearing so so so so much  about it from all of you other lovely sober bloggers.  I got sick of waiting for my library to get a copy and ordered my own online.  It arrived just as I was heading off to the hairdressers thank god because I find sitting getting a cut and colour so incredibly boring.

My hairdresser asked what I was bringing in to read and to be honest I was a bit hesitant about showing it, like I was going to out myself at this hip place or something. But she read the title and didn't really comment and then 10 minutes later offered me a glass of "pinot gris? or pinot noir perhaps?"  Ah, that would be a no.

Anyway .. I practically read the damn thing in one sitting.  Seriously.  I have maybe two chapters to go.  Yes this book is as good as everyone has been saying.  She just writes so well and so punchily.  It motors along and probably about 250 times I was thinking - yup, me too.  There was so much that I could relate to; when she described how she drank and why she drank, and what a reliance on alcohol is all about, and what becoming sober is like.  It's very good. 

It seems she was a bigger lush than me in some ways, more vomiting and major binges, I mean she didn't have kids so could go out and get hammered till dawn whenever she pleased.  But as always I was kind of left with a slight feeling of 'am I alcoholic enough? Was I really that bad?'  It doesn't help that someone said to me recently that they were sceptical about whether I really needed to stop drinking.  Is that because my drinking habit was largely private?  Or that I pulled the pin before major tragic consequences occurred?  That I had a 'high bottom' as they say?

Oh fuck that, whatever.  I can't be bothered analysing how much of a tragic boozer I was.  I know exactly how dangerous and obsessive my drinking was and where it was heading and if people think it's been easy for me to stop because I didn't appear to be that bad I don't care.  And if they think it's easy to live sober now because I make it look easy then ... whatever.  I shouldn't even question myself like I did after reading Unwasted.  That's just stupid. I used to have gallons of wine in my life.  Now I don't.  End of.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. TheNoiseAndHaste here: I know totally what you mean about being insecure that you weren't enough of a drunk to warrant swearing off forever. I also totally, totally, totally what you mean when you say, "I know exactly how dangerous and obsessive my drinking was and where it was heading."

    If we can both hang on to that surrender, no matter what, hopefully we'll be okay.

  2. But you never know who might come to you and ask about sobriety. I have an acquaintance who knows I don't drink, and at first it annoyed me to hear her talk about going out all the time and getting drunk. I kept thinking her rude to rub it in my face. Lately she's confided she thinks her and her husband drink too much, and she asked me about meetings.

    So don't beat yourself up...honestly I think it can be something really good to share if the situation feels right.

  3. As you say, you know how you felt inside. What others see is probably less than half of the real picture.
    I do exactly the same thing with the gear. Because I was a high functioning addict (for the most part) and I didn't inject . . . I sometimes find myself (and other users) almost justifying it, as in, well at least it stopped me from drinking and going out having inappropriate relationships. So yes, maybe it had a couple of good points . . . But there were many many negatives.
    You know in your heart how much more at peace you feel. Take care.

  4. Never think for a second that you weren't enough of an alcoholic, you just had the intelligence to stop before you destroyed your life.
    Nurture that inner wisdom.

  5. I am going to be ordering that book! It's sounds awesome.

    I have heard people say about me that I was a high functioning alcoholic. I did everything in private too. I wasn't really bothering anyone and no one seemed to notice, so was it a problem? I think we know the answer to that. I guess people realize things at different points.

    I am catching up on your entries, great blog!!! Congrats on all your work to date :)

  6. I know you know the answer to that question - maybe you weren't as bad, but it was too bad for you... you knew you deserved more and now you have that.

    Also - I would've probably felt uncomfortable after that convo too but you have no reason to. It sounds to me that there was a reason why you said it then, even if you are not consciously aware of it. I used to pump and dump too... the question I ask now (and did then in the quietest moments) is why would I do that? Did I really need to drink that much that I had to avoid breastfeeding?

  7. You being full aware of exactly how dangerous and obsessive your drinking was is the most important bit, nothing else matters. And the fact that you dealt with it is so courageous and strong of you!

    Your life sounds like a very good life, it is great not boozing it away :-)

    I spoke to a friend last night about how I can't even be around people anymore, people drinking alcohol that is. In previous sobrieties I continued partying as usual, but without the drinking. But now I'm almost allergic to people drinking. And my friend (also a sober alkie) said that she's going to throw a big party in July on her birthday. She will invite both drinking and non-drinking folks and suggested that I'd try mingling amongst drinking people then.

    I thought it sounded like a good idea, I don't really want to develop a phobia against alcohol because that means that I cannot go out "partying" any longer. I'll see how that goes.

    Take care mrs D!

  8. I used to wonder if I was "alcoholic enough" too, and I too had the friends- even a friend who is a psychic medium- say that I was not an alcoholic. But you know, so what and who cares? I look back at all the "not yets" that I was fortunate to avoid either through sheer luck, divine intervention, or things that were just a matter of time. Now I don't wonder, I'm just glad I was able to stop when I did. And byebyebeer is right- you never know where someone is on their journey- you may have said the exact words to her that she needed to hear, even if they were uncomfortable at that moment.
    I'm glad you're liking the book! I read it and enjoyed it as well. I devoured sobriety memoirs in my first few months of stopping drinking, they really helped. Caroline Knapp's "Drinking, A Love Story" really resonated with me, as did "Sober Truths, The Making of an Honest Woman" by Jill Kelly PhD. I hope you have a wonderful day! -Christy

  9. I can relate to this too...I never had a super public 'outing' of my problem...but it was a problem none the less. We all know the truth of our own problem with alcohol. Like you, I craved more and more over time. I tried for so many years to rationalize it away...well my wine brain did the rationalizing for me. That is, until I finally decided to get a divorce from my wine brain. Still early on for me, just day 19 here, but I have quit more times than I can count. But this time is different because I quit in my mind. And its wonderful. Tomorrow, hubby and I will be going out for dinner after Mass with dear friends who also love wine. I will not be partaking. I was nervous at first about the sudden dinner date but now I am looking forward to it. Not only will I not be drinking with our good friends but also the waitress there knows my love of my wine and she will now know its a thing of the past. Time to make it official place by place, person by person. Whew!