Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Nearly there...

We've entered the final phase of the relocation now.  Mr D has already moved to the new city and will be back on weekends.  Me and the boys plus all our stuff follow in 3 weeks.  The house is being auctioned next week and people are popping in every now and then during the week to view, plus open homes are on the weekends so it needs to be kept in a permanent state of 'show'.  It's hard to relax fully and I think I'm emotionally distancing myself from the place, just want it to sell, so it doesn't feel like our warm family home any more.  But that's ok.  I know this phase will pass ..

The kids are sick and getting wound up about the move so they're taking extra nurturing through this final phase, and everyone keeps saying to me 'take care of you' because I can't get to the gym when I've got kids home from school.  My lovely family (most of whom live elsewhere) are worried that I'm tired and stressed, which I am, but that's because this is tiring and stressful. I keep wanting to say to anyone who tells me kindly to look after myself ... I am!!  I'm looking after myself in the biggest way possible for me, in that I am not drinking alcohol.  People forget.

I chose to look after myself on September 6th last year when I chose to remove alcohol from my life.  And I take extra care of myself every day that I stick to that resolve. I love being a non drinker.  Sometimes I have pangs of fear that people will consider me boring.  Sometimes I feel bummed that I can't escape gritty feelings with a wine or 5.  Sometimes I get sick of being quick to anger or tears or boredom.  But I never ever consider actually having a drink.  I'm bigger than that goddamn liquid.  And if anyone considers me boring I don't care.  I'd rather be boring but at peace feeling contented inside than crazy (boozy) fun and fraught with guilt and dysfunction.

I'm trying to do other things like have bubble baths at night and burn scented candles (you know what, I've just decided I'm going to drive into town today and get myself a new Jo Malone one at vast expense - bugger it), and I drink lots and lots and lots of flavored green teas.  To use a well worn cliche I feel fully connected emotionally with what is going on, and especially when it comes to the kids that is wonderful because I want to really be there for them during this nervous time for them.

This is a big test during the first year of sobriety, no doubt about it.  But all I have to do is not drink.  I think I can manage that.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Hi Mrs D
    Please don't take this as patronizing. But after getting through this kind of painful prickly time, I've been grateful for my ability to be present. Not perfect, not brilliant, just showing up with what I have. I appreciate your honesty. I'm starting back at the beginning myself. All the best

  2. I just ran the numbers in my head. Your about the same amount sober as I was when we made our big cross country move. I had a wedding to plan and pull off two weeks before the move, too. I will always remember how my father put in a disclaimer insert in the wedding invitation asking that in lieu of gifts, gift cards to major retailers would be appreciated so that we could minimize the amount of packing and damage on the trip (china, dinner ware and such.) Most everyone obliged even though I was anxious that it was a bit tacky of a request but hell, we had absolutely no more room on our moving van and were maxed out on space. We couldn't squeeze another fork or spoon on that truck.

    Well, guess what? The two gifts that we given to us (porcelain frame and some fancy do dad) didn't make it across country. They were shattered when a box fell on their box and they just didn't make it.

    And here's the topper. Four weeks into our new location and I found out I was pregnant. Yep. Got knocked up shortly after we crossed the state line. LOL All of this at about nine months sober.

    You are doing fine, Mrs. D. Keep on keeping' on.

  3. I understand it must be extremely stressful with all the people entering and exiting your house... and I hear ya, you are looking after yourself.

    This really is a big test, and the cool thing is that you are so well aware of it and can fight off any threats. I believe in you mrs D, you are doing so damn well! Big HUGS

  4. I know you can manage that . . . and yeah, bugger it! go and buy the most expensive bubble bath, candles, etc with all that "booze" money you've saved.
    good for you Mrs D x

  5. Being there for my kids fully and enjoying and appreciating them is the biggest reward of sobriety, hands down.

    Another great post.

  6. You have so kicked this move's ass! Rock on Mrs. D!

  7. What a Good Mumma!! :) I'm sure the kids will appreciate having you "present" and "there for them" ;) Go you good thing!!