Thursday, May 3, 2012

Never forget...

Ok so it's 4.36am and here I am blogging so clearly the insomnia is still with me and my brain is full of the noise of this relocation. But .. and this is amazing .. I really feel emotionally to have shifted inside and overall I feel much calmer about the move and am looking forward with excitement rather than just looking back with sadness and grief. 

And I really do think that having expressed so freely all that sadness and grief about leaving our community here has made it easier for me to do this.

I asked in a grumpy post a couple of weeks ago if doing this sober was going to make a difference to how I processed it later and I can already see that it has and will.  If I think back to the many times that I cried in front of my friends, really showing them how deeply I was feeling this move and expressing myself so openly, I feel a sense of calm like that was the right thing to do.  It's hard to explain, but it's definately new to me and related to my sobriety because I was quite uncomfortable at the time and my natural instinct was to squash those tears and appear more together to them, but I just couldn't control it. And now that I've done that I feel ok with it, good about it actually because it honoured my feelings toward them and this community.  I'm happy about that.

I'm also happy that we have found a great rental in the new city which Mr D flew into yesterday to view and sign up!  It has a great outdoor space for the kids, a long driveway (fenced) for riding bikes and a small grassy patch just perfect to fit a trampoline! (One of the exciting 'bribes' we have promised them to help deal with the move).

So, phew.  There is still a lot to do and as I haven't been able to put my MA thesis on hold I am still writing that in the evenings so it's all still crazy busy (hence the insomnia) but emotionally I'm a bit calmer.  And yes folks, still sober!!!  Yippee!!!  I stuck my nose into Mr D's wineglass while we were away on the weekend and once again was taken back to an unhappy place by the smell.

I never want to forget what I have left behind.  That obsession with wine .. always buying it, always planning to drink it, drinking - hard and fast and often joylessly, slobbering into bed and passing out, and then painkillers in the morning - good for the headache but not for the guilt, guilt, guilt.  I never want to forget that, and be thankful that I have managed to change my life considerably by giving up the booze.  I never want to forget, and I never want to go back.  I only hope I can stay so firm in my resolve to never touch alcohol again.  Sometimes 'never again' feels overwhelming, but I've got to remember, I must.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. So glad you are feeling so much better. Calm acceptance and even anticipation. That's great! New place sounds nice.

    Sharing with others is hard and makes you feel exposed, but it is so liberating to unburden yourself and it's healthy too!


  2. You are so right about the pain killers not killing the guilt! Glad things are going well and it's great to hear that doing the move sober is actually better than doing it drunk...

  3. I try not to think of "never again." I decide each day to not drink today, and tomorrow will take care of itself. It's been over 2 years now, that I've not had a drink for each of those days.

  4. Oh I'm so happy you're in a more peaceful place. So much new to learn in sobriety, but fortunately it's a lot of wonderful stuff. Enjoy these moments of calm and know you are absolutely doing the right thing.

  5. So glad to hear that you are moving forward and are in a better place. It's funny, when my company moved us 5 years ago I bribed the kids with cell phones and a dog! It was a total shock to my husband...but it worked!

    That whole feelings thing is still a struggle for me but it's so much easier now and I'm looking at it as an adventure! will I feel today and how will I deal with it? It's a new experience each time.

    One day at a time and don't forget I'm only an email away if you need anything!


  6. So happy to hear of the positive progress. Your last paragraph says it all. You know what it was like. Important to remember and you don't want to return.

    Me neither....