Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I'm not saying goodbye

Phew! Glad I got that out of my system. Man, I'm really sorry that I can't be a shining example of a nice calm sober person who glides through being so serene, happy and contented to have taken away that nasty wine.  I'm not her.  I'm a bloody emotional 40-year-old stressed out by her MA and her three rowdy young sons and hormones and general life stuff.  

Tricky stuff.  Life.  But shit, I'm not going to be a dickhead and say goodbye to the only support network I have.  I don't go to AA and while I like to think that I'm big and hard and strong enough to do anything I want..!  I'm not.  So here I am and here I'll stay.  I might not be so regular at posting because I do have to give birth to 40,000 words of utter genius (my thesis) but I'll stay connected because to do otherwise might be foolish.

Take a look at what Mary said to me after the last post...

"What happens when we sober up Mrs D is that we find ourselves facing the problem of living. Sometimes the problem of drinking to avoid living seems simple by comparison. Life just keeps happening. Good, bad, wonderful, ugly, awful, intense and unstoppable, all of it. But it will get easier and those milestones count. One year is great. You don't want to start all over again, counting from day one. Continuity and sober time means something, little by little we find we are learning how to live, learning how to deal with thesis loneliness, stress, small children, eating patterns, bored brothers-in-law, moving house, publishing books, working at marriage, facing illness, facing success, travelling, making friends, living life to the full. We stop looking for comfort or numbness in external gratifications like smoking and sugar. We look inward and outward, we get better at relationships and work. We ride out the storm again and again."

Why would I say goodbye to that kind of loveliness and wisdom?

I've described sober life before as being like an emotional roller coaster. Monday (the non-punctuation day) was me racing down a steep section with my arms raised my mouth wide open and an ear-splitting scream coming from my mouth.  AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Today I'm cruising round a gentle corner.  Writing a different section of the current chapter of my thesis, material I'm comfortable with (not like those nasty theorists that had me in a spin on Monday).  Windows open and a breeze flowing through the house.  Mr D packing in the other room ready to go overseas for a week.  Lots of treaty foods in the house for me and the boys to enjoy while he's gone. Heart beating more calmly. Thoughts flowing more freely.

This time last year I was only hours away from my final binge. This time last year I was a boozer. Today I'm not. Roll on tomorrow.

Love, Mrs D xxxx

(here's some extra punctuation to make up for the last post.. ..,,!?";...!! (),,.??!!" ;; " , . , . ,,?"!!"


  1. I'm glad you're not leaving. I would miss you. And I'm writing this with tears in my eyes...because sometimes this new "life" is so fing hard. And I want it to be easy. Or easier. And it's not. And I don't go to AA either, but I need people like you and Mary because then I don't feel so alone. The pink cloud I was on the first few months is gone and now I'm trying to figure out how to be happy with "normal" (whatever the f that is). So, I'm glad you're not leaving. Not yet. I appreciate all of the things you write - it's really nice to see someone go through the ups and downs and still commit to this...makes me feel like maybe I'm not as "abnormal" as I thought.


  2. Yay!!! Yay!!! Oh...and did I mention? Yay!!! Yeah, that too.


  3. Just someone who totally loves reading your blog and hopes to be where you are one day. I know - just do it. And I will. But please know that you have a HUGE impact on those of us who hope to be where you are. HUGE. Thank you.

  4. I have learned so much from you Mrs D. I would miss you so much so I'm glad you're staying with us. I can't wait for the day I can say "this time last year, I was close to my last binge!". One goal right now, today! I'm setting it for Me and for my children! You are a true inspiration. You have taught me how to live sober and deal with all the bullshit. You have helped me discover things about myself that I didn't know.
    Thank you.
    And I look forward to hearing from you and your blog.

  5. Somehow I missed Monday post. But I am so pleased you are here today - or whatever day it is across on your side. And congrats on your 1 year - it is huge. Not only have you done this - but you have helped so many others in the process - certainly I would not be here without you. Cxx

  6. I'm just really pleased that you're exactly who you are and where you are, And that you're not going anywhere. Much love to you mrs D x x x

  7. GIANT happy anniversary! If you made it, I guess that means I'll just have to keep on trucking for one more month so that I can say I did it too. :P

    I'm glad you'll stay (with the proviso that it's your life, so whatever you choose to do with it is fine by me), and I wish you all the best in your second year sober (which, from what I hear, is supposed to be a good one).

  8. Glad you are in calmer waters Mrs D. Tonight I am chauffering my sponsor to her 37th AA birthday. Life still happens to her as well and not always in a good way.

    Just in my two years AA people I know have died. Some died sober of natural causes after many years sober. Some went 'back out' and never got back. I know which sort I want to be. Knowing these people, the sober old timers and the relapsing young mother who ended up murdered and dumped in a canal, helps keep me sober.

  9. i love your extra punctuation at the bottom of the post. your sense of humour has returned. all is well in the world now :)

  10. We wouldn't have let you ride off into the sunset, not without a bunch of us running after you yelling, "Come Back, Mrs. D. Come Back."

    You really don't want to make a 50 year old with a floppy bladder run, all the others running behind me will be dodging puddles.

    I'm wishing you an early joyous, love and gratitude and pride filled congratulations on your year of living soberly. I can't wait to read your post on your one year anniversary but I'm going to try and wait until after I blog mine a week later. We are so much in each other's head, I know that if I read yours first, when it comes time to blog about my own I'll be whining, "But Mrs. D already said all the good stuff. Why does she always get to go first?" (I'm so glad you did.)

    And I'm so glad that I had you to share this momentous year with. Big teary, squealy, girl hugs all around, Kary

  11. Yay. Glad you're sticking around ;)

  12. Mrs. D., I was away when you posted this and just want to let you know what your first year has done for me. Your blog was one of the first I found and I read it from the first day straight thru.

    You made this real for me in those first few days. Your words and honesty helped me start down this path. I am so glad you are sticking around.