Monday, September 3, 2012

Punctuation can go jump

too much coffee two a day is all but more compared with the one or none i've been having all my lovely green teas are a thing of the past right now too much sugar as well have been going to bed with a bowl of cereal topped with 3 desert spoons of sugar what the hell is that compensating for the coffee i suppose

classic reactions up and down and up and down spent all day looking at the computer screen trying to write not sure if i achieved much at all felt low teary at times went out to the garage to have a cigarette am i pre-menstrual

saw a photo of my brother in law having a glass of bubbles on holiday relaxing on a deck chair with his sons looked so nice had a pang of course classic reaction to feeling low transfer it all on to the fact i don't drink alcohol started thinking that my sister and brother in law who live near us now think it's boring coming here because it can't be lets have a drink or two energy just come for food but of course i'll be sober coz i'm sober all the time more classic sad pangs about alcohol where really this is just another day in the cycle of life

am i still learning how to live sober i thought i had it nailed so excited about one year have been planning my final post saying goodbye to blogger thinking one year is all i need but now i'm crying writing this i don't think 365 days is any different to 364 or 370 it's just on and on and can i really say goodbye to my friends my only support sherry emailed me today because i commented on her blog that i was feeling blah and i cried while i read her email how can i say goodbye to that i'm silly if i think i'm stronger and bigger than support even if it's faceless support on the computer it's real and warm and necessary anyway i know what sherry looks like she emailed me a photo once she's beautiful

don't even care about the one year in fact i think it's silly to mark it like a big deal it's just another sober day in a long line of sober days my eyes are all red now my boys are asking what's wrong i'm just saying nothing i'm just a bit emotional today and the middle guy just said did you miss us today mum i said yes

too much naval gazing another reason for not blogging any more all me me me all the time struggling to find things to write about outside of just the workings of my head because i'm alone a lot writing my ma and i don't have the same friends network here in my day to day life that i used to have so there aren't a lot of interactions to report on i am getting sick of myself but here i am blahhing on to my computer screen with tears rolling down my face bloody hell i'm going out to the garage to have another cigarette don't think for one second i'm actually going to drink but you know a sober life is more emotional and all that

love mrs d xxx


  1. 'This too shall pass' - 'One day at a time' You are not alone.

  2. holy, you've got pms feelings articulated so well especially the lack of punctuation my last cycle i nearly killed everyone within a 5 mile radius and then thankfully the next day it was much better

    i've been having some murderous rages on vacation too like why is that every single person everywhere is drinking champagne on the beach and i am not

    and then the next day it's better, remarkably better, so much better it's hard to really remember the 'whys' of the day before

    hugs from the beach all the way to - where the fuck are you? nz? today is a good day. you don't have to write for us you write for you :)

  3. I have a suggestion that you can take or leave...

    Instead of saying goodbye (which, selfishly I would hate) why don't you just put writing here on hold? Then just come back when you need to vent, make an observation, reach out for support or whatever. That way not only do you NOT have to say goodbye but you can put it out of your mind.

    And I need to say one more thing. You're honesty, compassion, wisdom and humor has become a staple out here in blogging land. One of the tenets of recovery is service work...that you reach out and help other alcoholics and thereby help yourself. You have done that so many times out here so even if you do decide to say goodbye, remember what a blessing your blog has been.

    I hope you move through this PMS period quickly...stupid PMS.

    And I saw your pic as well're beautiful as well!


  4. OK Sweetie, pull it together, we will help you, just like you guys helped me when I was feeling all melancholy the other night. That is why we need to continue to blog, we can't get blase about this, I've heard too many stories on the boards of people that have years and years under the belt and they succumb. I, too, have been having feelings of resentment about blogging, petty shit, my blog and your blog and all these blogs I spend so much of my day with, saved my life and your life and who knows what other lives. THEY ARE FUCKING IMPORTANT!!! AND ONE YEAR IS A FREAKING MIRACLE!!! How dare you downplay it! You not only accomplished a year of sobriety, you did it in a splendidly, magnificent, generous manner.

    Now wipe those tears and give your little men a hug and go buy yourself something splendid. You deserve it.

    P.S. I'm still using punctuation, but still mis-using it.


  5. I will share this (says the girl coming up on 12 years): There will be days at 781 or 1400 or 856 or...where you feel exactly as you did on day 1. That is why those in long term sobriety continue to go to meetings or blog or whatever. There is no end date with this disease. If you are truly an alcoholic, vigilance to the cause must never waver. We are always one drink away from ending up where we left off. Trust me on this one. I was the relapser.

  6. Oh dear...I just want to reach out and hug you. You have been through so much recently.. Damn PMS makes it so much worse. Even when you know that's part of why you are feeling this way, somehow it does not help. If only there was a magic elixir...oh yes that's why we're here isn't it? The magic elixir is already within you. You can do this. You are stronger than the emotions that you are feeling.
    On saying goodbye to your blog...we would miss you. I hope you'll find a happy medium and can still keep it up.

  7. Mrs D . . . I won't be much help here I'm afraid, still struggling for day one.
    A year is huge and I'm sure Kristen H is right when she says day 764 can be much like day one.
    This will pass, but you know that, and it doesn't really make today any easier. . . . Just hugs and lots of love sent your way x x x

  8. Congratulations :) Even though I have not struggled with the drink, your blog has been a real eye-opener to me...about how real and raw and REAL..did I say REAL... the addiction is! Thank you for your insight, thank you for your words. :)
    If you do decide to pack up and leave us, I want to say, I have been really touched by your story, and your sheer determination with this! And,I wish you all the best..Good luck.. xx

  9. Emotional roller-coasters, I've been there too. And what happens when we sober up Mrs D is that we find ourselves facing the problem of living. Sometimes the problem of drinking to avoid living seems simple by comparison. Life just keeps happening. Good, bad, wonderful, ugly, awful, intense and unstoppable, all of it.

    But it will get easier and those milestones count. One year is great. You don't want to start all over again, counting from day one. Continuity and sober time means something, little by little we find we are learning how to live, learning how to deal with thesis loneliness, stress, small children, eating patterns, bored brothers-in-law, moving house, publishing books, working at marriage, facing illness, facing success, travelling, making friends, living life to the full. We stop looking for comfort or numbness in external gratifications like smoking and sugar. We look inward and outward, we get better at relationships and work. We ride out the storm again and again.

    And there are many of us doing this sober thing together, remember that. Talk to your thesis supervisor, find others who are struggling with thesis writing. Support is everywhere. Talk to others who went through stress and gave up smoking, how they did it. Or just give yourself permission to smoke until the damn thesis is off your desk.

    Go gently, we're listening.

  10. Oh boy, do I know that last line. Pms may well be worse in sobriety...seems that way for me and I've heard it from other women too. Glad you vented.

  11. Oh Mrs D...Can you feel this big hug I am sending you over the internet??? Emotions are good...we have been ignoring them for years with our drinking so we have lots and lots to make up for! So good you let it out and what the heck...stopping the blog at 1 year!!! It's Nov 7th today and I see you are still blogging so WHEW!!! I don't know what I would do without your funny, witty, sometimes sad blogs! Being totally selfish here...I need your blogs!!! I'm committed to the sober life now but I love being able to share it with someone who gets it...YOU! So please keep writing even it you are sad!!