Friday, April 20, 2012


I'm running the risk of 'over blogging' (if there is such a thing) but in keeping to my primary function of using this site for myself I have to write right now as it's 4.45am and my brain in whirring and I think getting things out in words will help me.

I think the thing is, and I was trying to explain this to Mr D last night, I think the thing about doing this move sober is that for me all the emotion associated with it is way more amplified than it would be before.  It's like someone's put 'relocation headphones' on me and has turned the fucking volume up to one million decibels (if there is such a thing, and sorry about swearing but I just want to swear here ok). 

And normal drinkers or non-drinkers or heavy drinkers don't get this because they're used to whatever their habit is so their emotional volume level is sitting more comfortably where they're used to.  Only people who used heavily then took it clean away know what this is like. I'm still relatively newly sober (7 1/2 months) so my volume is peaking and I"m sure it slowly be turned down as I get used to living without liquid anesthesia.

My eyelids are swollen because yesterday I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed huge gut wrenching sobs all the way home from the University where I'd just told them I needed to put my MA on hold for 3 months and continue via distance learning from August. 

It's not that the Uni thing was particularly gut-wrenching, it was also that I was supposed to be rushing home from that meeting and then taking my 5 year old round the road for a sleep-over but every time I thought yesterday about telling my friend there that we're moving I felt like crying.  This woman is the most awesome lovely strong kind and amazing friend that I have met since we've been here and for some reason saying goodbye to her is really really going to hurt.  We don't see each other all the time because she is back at work now but she is very very special. 

So I had texted Mr D from the corridor outside my supervisors office asking could he please take our boy round and tell my friend that we are going because I was too emotional to do it (which he understood and did) and then I got through my meeting and walked out the door and basically lost it and spent the next 2 hours crying.

It was absolute woe-is-me grief, to be perfectly frank I don't want to be doing any of this.  I don't want to be putting my MA on hold and I don't want to be crying in front of all my friends and I don't want to have to say goodbye to my neighbours and I don't want to be looking for a house to rent in the new city and I don't want to get 3 fucking written quotes for Mr D's firm to approve the furniture removal company and I don't want to be organising gardeners and cleaners and painters and builders to get our house ready for sale and I don't want to deal with real estate agents again and I don't want to talk to schools and help my boys with their nerves about moving and I just don't want to do any of this because I am really really happy here.

And all of this emotional pain is much more keenly felt because I've radically changed my lifestyle.

So FUCK!!  Right I have to fucking snap out of this and dig deep and be smart and fine and cool.  Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.  

Do yoga poses at night to relax.  Burn scented candle lots.  Buy lots of treaty magazines. Think about friends in the new city who are going to be so happy to see us. Think about the fact that Mr D said last night that we're going to rent a really treaty posh house for the interim to make the move more palatable (yes!).  Think about how great it is I've lost weight. Think about how nobody has died or gotten cancer.  Think that this is hard and emotional but totally do-able.  Think about how living in an emotionally real way is the best way to live.   Think about how the new job is the best job in the world for Mr D and he is like a new man standing tall in his shoes again because the old job was so wrong.  Think about how once all the hard work and sadness is over there will be a lot of fun and excitement to look forward to.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. What is it they say, that a move is right up there with divorce and death in terms of stress? Amplified times ten thousand if you don't actually want to move. It sounds like you're still in a state of shock. And, oh, yeah, you have to feel all of this raw and unmuted and possibly even amplified because you're newly sober.

    I don't think I had any real coping skills in all the years I drank. I also don't think I realized this until I started feeling feelings again, which was around the 6 month mark. And it sucked and I cried over things I hadn't realized I wanted to cry over. And these weren't even new things, mind you. And here you are dealing with a very stressful life moment and you are doing things to cope, but still it's feeling raw and powerful hard.

    I think all you can do is stick this one out and ask for help and vent as often as you can. You asked your husband to take your child to the sleepover and speak to your friend, and this is a perfect example of your strength and ability to reach out for help when needed. Don't be afraid to do more of this.

    Lastly, I don't know much about the particulars, but I'm excited for you. You seem the kind of spirit that embraces life and challenges with an enthusiam and openness that is rare. You will settle in to your new (posh!) home and you'll find new friends and activities and interests. It's a chance for a fresh start in a way, a kind of adventure. You'll get back on track with your MA when its time and you don't need to worry about that now anyway.

    Focus on tasks little by little. Let go of what you have little or no control over because that will just overwhelm you. Do whatever you need to get through this, but mostly just allow yourself to feel the emotions. I really think it's an important thing to feel right now. Someone told me the lows are replaced with equally high highs and I've found that to be true. It gives me a lot of hope when I'm low.

    Geesh, didn't mean to write a book. Hugs to you.

  2. TheNoiseAndHaste here: Oh, I hate this for you! But I understand what you mean about the volume. I would offer you lovely AA slogans like "this too shall pass," but I usually want to smack whomever is saying that kind of shit to me.

    I'm excited about your treaty poshy rental house, though. I'm imagining you with a pool and a hammock for lying in an taking a break from your masters degree. :) (of course, maybe kiwi land is too cold for pools...i always imagine it very green with lovely pockets of shoreline all over the place.)

  3. The gratitude list, as at the end of your post, is a fabulous idea. Keep making them. It doesn't make the bad things good, but it really does help keep them in their place.

    AA's are advised not to make major lifestyle changes in the first year.
    Sometimes we don't have a choice. Even when it's the right thing to do it is still hard. Getting through it will be a fantastic achievement for you.

    I've just thought. Presumably most people in your new life won't know you as a drinker. So you won't feel you have to explain. You will just be Mrs D who prefers to drink soft drinks.

    Not sure whether to post this next bit or not but I wonder if, while grief for the life you are losing is natural, it may also be impacted by a load of other past griefs in your life that you have suppressed with alcohol, may even be unaware of. Maybe it will ultimately be a healing process.

    I have had this sort of experience.

    Still painful, but I am the sort of person who finds things easier to bear if I have some sort of explanation, so I hope this idea helps you.

  4. Oh good it's not just me who is going fucking nuts. Here's my peak emotional thing these days, I can barely watch or read the news because I feel this overwhelming empathy, sympathy and sadness for victims, especially for children, especially for children who are my grandson's age. I watched the movie, "The Boy In The Striped Pajamas" about a month ago and I was devastated for two weeks, actually I still am. And it was a fucking movie!

    Your stress is real and I don't want to mouth (type?) any platitudes but maybe it will help to think there is a plan involved here, I don't know if you believe in that stuff, I do, and whether it's true or not it comforts me when things seem out of my control. Tell yourself that something is waiting to happen that will explain everything and then slog your way through it. Tell yourself it will be worth it.

    And use the "f" word alot! You seem to have a handle on that. LOL

  5. I am starting to believe more and more than ever that we are put in new situations for a reason, a way of adjusting us back into proper alignment. More will be revealed as to why this move is happening when it seems right now like a sucky situation. Hang in there, Mrs. D!


  6. You are so amazingly insightful ~ I totally and completely understand the emotional volume issue. I had SO many changes in my first year of sobriety ~ my job change, husband's business collapse, move to new neighborhood. It was CRAZY! And I did the same thing as you (still do): cry about it, talk about it, write about it, curse about it, and then write a long, lovely list of all the things I could do to make it okay, to get through the day. You are on a great path and I am rooting for you! xoxo

  7. Sugar, when I feel like this, I bring everything back down to the day I'm in. I concentrate on this day and what can be done in it. This (for me) helps my stress level.

  8. Hahaa Fuck fuck fuckity fuck!

    It's great to have the option to overblog when in need to get stuff out. Because out it MUST and there's always some curious and caring alkie here to read and respond ;)

    As recovering alcoholics we cannot carry burdons, even the smallest of issues must be vented. And to read that you speak to mr D, that you write about it here in your blog, that you are aware of your feelings... It breaks my heart to read that you cried and are going through this move, but at the same time I'm happy that you let it all out!

    You are so sensible mrs D, I really admire you for your ability to have a positive outlook on this really tough situation that you're in.

    Hang in there, I'm sending you lots of strength by thought! *hugs*

  9. Well...fuck it all to hell. This just sucks doesn't it.

    You will be fine but it's important to feel what you feel RIGHT NOW and get it out of your head so you can look at it cleary.

    But really? FUCK.

  10. Mrs D - I am a great believer that one door opens as another closes.

    You know this decision is the best for Mr D and your positivity will work in bringing contentment to your family. I expect to see you blogging later in the year about how you have recommenced that study for your MA.

    Good friends are always there for you no matter where you live - keep in mind the new friends you have yet to make.

    Kia Kaha - eat chocolate and say the odd Fuck word, it usually helps...

  11. I would love to tell you how awesome its all going to be and how everything happens for a reason. But you already know all that; you are just presently mired in the middle of a logistical fuck storm and, oh honey, do I get that. My move across country was such a train wreck that I was actually contacted by the producers of the Oprah show (10 years ago) to talk about it on when of their segments. It never came to pass but thats how jacked up it was.

    Do what Pammie says. Focus on the minute in front of you and soon you will be looking behind you at all you have accomplished.

  12. I agree with some of the comments that getting a sober support network in your new town would be greatly beneficial. I don't know how you are doing this's very impressive on one hand, but perhaps needlessly difficult on the other hand.

    In my area, there are a ton of sober moms just like you. They all hang out together at meetings and outside meetings, talk on the phone, get their nails done, whatever else you ladies do for fun! I'm sure you can tap into that network in your new town. Good luck!

  13. Oh I love your honesty...even your swearing. I wonder if maybe all the years we have drowned our emotions with wine come out after we sober up? I'm so early on that I'm still in the pink cloud area. I am so proud of you. You are going through some really intense personal stuff here and you are STILL SOBER! You are my hero!!! Love you Mrs D.