We've entered the final phase of the relocation now. Mr D has already moved to the new city and will be back on weekends. Me and the boys plus all our stuff follow in 3 weeks. The house is being auctioned next week and people are popping in every now and then during the week to view, plus open homes are on the weekends so it needs to be kept in a permanent state of 'show'. It's hard to relax fully and I think I'm emotionally distancing myself from the place, just want it to sell, so it doesn't feel like our warm family home any more. But that's ok. I know this phase will pass ..
The kids are sick and getting wound up about the move so they're taking extra nurturing through this final phase, and everyone keeps saying to me 'take care of you' because I can't get to the gym when I've got kids home from school. My lovely family (most of whom live elsewhere) are worried that I'm tired and stressed, which I am, but that's because this is tiring and stressful. I keep wanting to say to anyone who tells me kindly to look after myself ... I am!! I'm looking after myself in the biggest way possible for me, in that I am not drinking alcohol. People forget.
I chose to look after myself on September 6th last year when I chose to remove alcohol from my life. And I take extra care of myself every day that I stick to that resolve. I love being a non drinker. Sometimes I have pangs of fear that people will consider me boring. Sometimes I feel bummed that I can't escape gritty feelings with a wine or 5. Sometimes I get sick of being quick to anger or tears or boredom. But I never ever consider actually having a drink. I'm bigger than that goddamn liquid. And if anyone considers me boring I don't care. I'd rather be boring but at peace feeling contented inside than crazy (boozy) fun and fraught with guilt and dysfunction.
I'm trying to do other things like have bubble baths at night and burn scented candles (you know what, I've just decided I'm going to drive into town today and get myself a new Jo Malone one at vast expense - bugger it), and I drink lots and lots and lots of flavored green teas. To use a well worn cliche I feel fully connected emotionally with what is going on, and especially when it comes to the kids that is wonderful because I want to really be there for them during this nervous time for them.
This is a big test during the first year of sobriety, no doubt about it. But all I have to do is not drink. I think I can manage that.
Love, Mrs D xxx