Ok so it's 4.36am and here I am blogging so clearly the insomnia is still with me and my brain is full of the noise of this relocation. But .. and this is amazing .. I really feel emotionally to have shifted inside and overall I feel much calmer about the move and am looking forward with excitement rather than just looking back with sadness and grief.
And I really do think that having expressed so freely all that sadness and grief about leaving our community here has made it easier for me to do this.
I asked in a grumpy post a couple of weeks ago if doing this sober was going to make a difference to how I processed it later and I can already see that it has and will. If I think back to the many times that I cried in front of my friends, really showing them how deeply I was feeling this move and expressing myself so openly, I feel a sense of calm like that was the right thing to do. It's hard to explain, but it's definately new to me and related to my sobriety because I was quite uncomfortable at the time and my natural instinct was to squash those tears and appear more together to them, but I just couldn't control it. And now that I've done that I feel ok with it, good about it actually because it honoured my feelings toward them and this community. I'm happy about that.
I'm also happy that we have found a great rental in the new city which Mr D flew into yesterday to view and sign up! It has a great outdoor space for the kids, a long driveway (fenced) for riding bikes and a small grassy patch just perfect to fit a trampoline! (One of the exciting 'bribes' we have promised them to help deal with the move).
So, phew. There is still a lot to do and as I haven't been able to put my MA thesis on hold I am still writing that in the evenings so it's all still crazy busy (hence the insomnia) but emotionally I'm a bit calmer. And yes folks, still sober!!! Yippee!!! I stuck my nose into Mr D's wineglass while we were away on the weekend and once again was taken back to an unhappy place by the smell.
I never want to forget what I have left behind. That obsession with wine .. always buying it, always planning to drink it, drinking - hard and fast and often joylessly, slobbering into bed and passing out, and then painkillers in the morning - good for the headache but not for the guilt, guilt, guilt. I never want to forget that, and be thankful that I have managed to change my life considerably by giving up the booze. I never want to forget, and I never want to go back. I only hope I can stay so firm in my resolve to never touch alcohol again. Sometimes 'never again' feels overwhelming, but I've got to remember, I must.
Love, Mrs D xxx