Sad and grumpy here, again. Got on a bit of a high last week what with finding a nice place to rent in the city we're headed to and finishing getting the house ready to sell but the high slowly faded away and the hard emotions associated with this move are to the fore again.
Trying hard not to be too 'woe is me' but also trying to honour my feelings. I hate being flat and negative, but this is a tricky situation because even though I want to move because Mr D's new job is perfect and I know we'll be fine in the new place, I'm really not enjoying all the hard work associated with packing up and selling and all the emotion associated with leaving our lovely community. The house is on the market now so I'm also feeling anxious to keep the place tidy and feeling kind of exposed having to pop out whenever agents want to bring someone round to view. My home is no longer my sanctuary, it's a show home.
God I'm winging and moaning. I'm feeling so sorry for myself I actually said 'a wine would be nice' tonight when I was looking at Mr D's glass on the kitchen bench and you know what? I said that because I wanted him to feel sorry for me, not because I wanted a wine. How terrible is that?! Ah fuck it. Maybe I do want more recognition sometimes for what I'm doing getting through all of this sober. But I suppose people would forget that it's hard to do (to never ever touch alcohol) if I never talk about it, which I haven't been lately.
Anyhoo, I stuck my nose into his glass when I was putting it into the dishwasher and once again the smell was so familiar and so reminded me of a miserable obsession. So much time that I spent filling my body with an artificial warmth that tricked me into thinking it made things better, blurring my thoughts, squashing down my feelings and slowly killing my soul. I am so so happy that I am sober now, I really am. I feel grateful and thankful and proud that I am doing things the hard way but the better way. Better for me, better for my kids and better for my relationship. Also to show other heavy drinkers that it can be done. It can be done people, it can be done.
Tonight instead of dealing to my emotions with shiraz I am dealing to them with a delicious slice I made by combining crushed biscuits with coconut, finely chopped dried apricots and crystallised ginger, mixing that with melted butter and sweetened condensed milk, pressing it out and chilling it, then icing it with lemon icing. I'm on piece number four, eating it in bed, and I don't care what anyone thinks about that.
Love, Mrs D xxx