I'd be lying if I said I never had pangs about drinking. I do, in a sad 'yeah it would be really nice to have a couple of glasses of wine tonight' kind of way. But, as all good boozers know, it's never about just a couple of glasses of wine. I've never been able to see the point in a couple of glasses of wine, might as well go for the whole bottle.
(I just imagined drinking a whole bottle of wine and felt quite sick actually).
I've come off my high from the weekend and had an absolutely appalling day yesterday which ended with me yelling at the kids. It was just a bad day.
Then this morning I'm all tearful about god-knows-what and grouchy about the state of the house and just feeling kind of joy-less. It's a down alright, and it's come after the up of last weekend. Ups and downs and ups and downs. The normal waves of any life I suppose, but felt more acutely now that I live sober.
So yeah .. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have pangs of sadness that I'm not a lucky moderate drinker who can use alcohol wisely and reap the benefits of a few nice drinks on a Friday night. But I can't. Just like I'll never have long legs or lovely smooth olive-coloured skin, or be really artistic, I can't drink well. And so I don't drink at all.
I have to put it in that camp of things that are unchangeable. The length of my legs I can't change. Nor can I change my predilection toward heavy wine consumption. Could I have avoided becoming an alcoholic with a different life-path? Who knows. That I'll never know. I think the reason that moment I finally accepted that I was an alcoholic (you can read the post here) was so profound was that it was a deep, total acceptance. Like a surrender. Yep, I'm an alcoholic, that means I can't touch alcohol. Period.
It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It really is a bummer. But it's a fact. So there. Get over it. Harden up and get on with it. You can't drink (I'm talking to myself now, clearly going mad here), so suck it up, put your head down and get on with living sober.
Love, Mrs D xxx
P.S. I got an email from an online pharmacy/healthcare provider place in the States to tell me they've included me in their list of top sites regarding alcohol addiction. The list is here. The email was sent to the 'Mrs D is Going Without team'! Ah, that would just be me. Just little old sober me sitting at my desk, in my living room, in my house, on a street, down under in New Zealand.