Sometimes I wonder how the hell I managed everything when I was boozing heavily and losing sleep all the time and dealing with hangovers and feeling sick in my guts not to mention spending all that thinking time beating myself up for being terribly dysfunctional.
Last night, Friday night, I didn't have any wine as per my nowadays norm (as opposed to probably a bottle and a half before I quit), had a bath at 8pm, covered my face with night cream and climbed into bed to watch The Voice while reading a recipe magazine (I'm outing myself here as a BORING and TRAGIC housewife but what the hell). Slept soundly until 7am then got up and ... promptly got all stressed and grumpy.
Admittedly I was trying to get to a 9.30am pilates class at the gym for the first time on the weekend which meant I had to leave home at 9am. So I had two hours to get the boys breakfast, get them dressed ready for rugby practice, try to find the pump to pump up their new rugby balls, wrap a birthday present for the Middle Guy's birthday party later in the day, get him started on making a birthday card, put a load of washing through the machine and into the dryer (which is out in the bloody garage in this house), remember to eat breakfast myself, get my gym gear on and pack clothes at a towel etc so I could shower at the gym after the class, empty the dishwasher and put away last nights pots, change the Little Guy's nappy and put clothes on him .. and then get out the bloody door to go to the gym.
I felt really stressed! And snapped at my Little Guy for screaming loudly as I left I drove down the road thinking 'lower your shoulders .. breath'.
So .. I could try and drop the Superwoman act and not do so much next time before the class. Or I could try and do all in a more cruisy manner and not get so stressed and grumpy. Is the stress and grumpiness related to being sober? What would I have been like this morning doing all of that if I wasn't sober.
Ok so clearly I would have never tried to make a Saturday morning gym class before because I would have had a crashing hangover. I would have schlepped around in my dressing gown and had a slow start to the day.
But I'm sure I would have felt happier! Controversial statement there. And anyway I probably wouldn't because of the afore mentioned beating myself up mentally. I'm answering all my own questions here.
The whole reason I'm trying to get to the gym to do classes is to relieve my stress and grumpiness which is around more often because I don't squash everthing down constantly with wine. But I hate being stressed and grumpy more often. I challenge anyone with three young boys not to get pushed to the limit constantly .. but they didn't ask to be born. We chose to have them. So maybe I should just suck up my stress and grumpiness and get on with being a nicer person. Who happens to be sober.
And then I think what the hell am I complaining about, I'm bloody lucky to have the life I have so quit your moaning and cheer up! All I think I can do is press on doing everything I am doing - not drinking, working hard to be a good mother and wife and using my brain when I study and my body when I exercise. All the while attempting to be nice and not grumpy or stressed.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Who says you can't be grumpy and stressed. The thing about being sober is that we get to feel and deal with our feelings just as they are. You been through A LOT in the last several months with the move AND staying sober! Just one of those would make anyone crack and you maintained them both.
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are a rock star.
So enjoy your grumpy and do what you need to do to help yourself get through this. It gets easier and you'll have less stressed days...but they never leave entirely. And as a mother of 4 boys that are very close in age I can tell you that the little guy won't even remember you snapped at him.
And tell anyone who doesn't like it that I said to shut the hell up.
;-)
Dear Mrs D, Been thinking about your recent posts alot. I am in week 7 and the initial novelty is wearing off and I have had little whispers of doubt about whether life really is better sober all the time. I wondered whether the fact that you were such a high functioning drinker makes a difference to how you are feeling at the moment? You held your life together really well whilst you were drinking. Thus not drinking, whilst it is a huge change emotionally and physically (as we all know only too well) does not make a huge difference in terms of doing the basic chores of life - as you were doing those pretty well anyway. So maybe we high functioning ex drinkers have too high expectations for change? Don't know, and don't know if I am really making sense but just something puzzling me at the moment. But as always you are inspiring in terms of your honesty and insight. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog and love your writing and your honesty. thanks for this :)
ReplyDeleteI so relate to this! Life is so much more productive now...how the heck did I do ANYTHING before!? Life is good :) xo
ReplyDeleteI'd put being grumpy and stressed down to the usual gamut of human emotions that are an inevitable part of life.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing so well and you continue to inspire me to do better. Thanks for that.
You are the best Mrs D. I think that is what led me to drink...stress. When I moved here 16 yrs ago a new friend introduced me to wine. I didn't like it at first but grew to LOVE it. Chardonnay...so yummy. But...a year or so later I was then buying it for myself to have at home in the evenings. It helped me calm down and de-stress. I called it my liquid Prozac! But over time, you know...my one glass a day habit turned into 3 or 4. It had to stop and you know what? I dealt with stress before wine, so I can again now. Reading your blog helps me de-stress because our little group here knows what I am feeling and vice versa. So once again...thank you for this blog and for always being so honest and real!
ReplyDelete