It was the end of a long day camping, the kids had finally nodded off in their tents all sandy and sunkissed from a day at the beach. The sun was low in the sky and all the adults were sitting around in deck chairs playing guitars or chatting or reading magazines. I sank into a deck chair to rest and just at that moment a friend came into view and crossed in front of my field of vision holding a glistening bottle of chardonnay.
WHAM! I got hit with a pang. It was a classic moment where the alcohol, all chilled in the bottle, looked so inviting and offered all sorts of mythical enticements and promises. I will relax you, it said, I will reward you, I will comfort you. You deserve me. (Clearly I'm in a waxing lyrical sort of mood).
So there I am sitting in my deck chair feeling all sad and left out that I can't start drinking like the rest of the crew. So I went there... in my mind...and imagined myself actually pouring a glass and actually drinking it. I totally went there just to see what it felt like allowing myself to fantasize about drinking .. and low and behold! I didn't want to!! That pang was just a blind shot in the dark of my addiction trying to trick me again into thinking I needed to blur my brain.
I did take myself off to bed earlier than most of our camping crew most evenings but I think that was mostly major MA stress. I have 6 weeks to deliver my thesis and it would be fair to say that stress and I are well acquainted at the moment (Mr D did all the day missions to the beach etc without me and I stayed back at the campsite working on the laptop).
Now I have six weeks to pull my 40,000 word thesis into a shape that will hopefully be passed by my markers. I'm wondering why the hell I ever wanted to do this bloody Masters, but I'm sure when it's done I'll wonder what the hell I'm going to do next. One step at a time I suppose. Oh, and don't drink. That'll help.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Hey. You passed the test yet again. We never know when the next one will come. I guess if you tried the wine you might have wanted more. And if that was the last bottle would you have left everyone at camp and drove to civilization (there I did it. American spelling) searching for more wine?
ReplyDeleteYay, yay, YAY you!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you'll be so happy and proud of yourself when your thesis is complete (I want to read it!) AND you'll have a Masters Degree. That a one big fucking deal if you ask me.
So chop, chop! Get to work and get the damn thing done so you can relax.
But without the booze.
Sherry
Wow! Did I ever need to read this today! Those pangs never stop eh?
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to fight them off, like you did!
But the pangs are getting less and less powerful and frequent aren't they. You know I bet before long months will go by without us even thinking about drinking, heck we're almost already there.
ReplyDelete470 days ago, I would never ever have believed that a day would pass where the thought of having a drink wouldn't nag at me, but the further and further we trudge from the epicenter the fewer and fewer aftershocks we feel. ( ha ha! Snuck in one of my infamous analogies on "your" blog)
Now get back to work on the thesis. No more clicking out to check emails and blogs and other such riff-raff. Whack! Whack! (ruler to knuckles)
Well done, Mrs. D! Love how you thought through the drink. It just never ends well and the results (hangover, chaos, shame, bewilderment and terror) dwarf any benefits.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't get buzzed in the end anyway. Sober and then drunk. Boohoo.
Good luck on that thesis!
Xoxox
Oh this happened to me tonight. Husband out of town. Kids asleep. Freezing night. Blazing fire. I got that pang for a glass of red. But I did the same thing you did and really got inside the feeling of what it would be like. I realized that I did not want the feeling of being buzzed/drunk. That's what wine does, so why on earth would I drink? It's passed, like it always does.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D, The timing on this post couldn't be better. I guess the pangs are normal ... just another part of recovery. Probably everyone here drank almost everyday like me. It took a long time to get to where I was when I quit so it only makes sense it will take a long time to really put that habit out of my head. Chardonnay was my love...my alcohol of choice. So I could totally picture your description. I don't think I will ever think such a sight is not beautiful...but I will never put it to my lips again. No way will I ever go back to DAY 1. So excited for you to finish up your thesis. How amazing!!! I chose to adopt a rescue dog to devote all my free time and energy to now that I no longer obsess over wine. Carter was ironically found on death row in a shelter the last day I drank...9/30/12. He was turned over to a rescue group on my first day of sobriety on 10/1/12...his life changed on that day as did mine. He was nursed back to stable health and transported to our family. He arrived to our home one week before Christmas. Carter and I both have a second chance at life! Hope the New Year is going well for everyone in this group.
ReplyDeletehere's to finishing your thesis. remember it's just an assignment, a paper like any other (though longer). it doesn't have to be a work of art, it just has to get you an A and fulfil your coursework requirements. it's a hoop that must be jumped through, not a definition of who you are. They will give you your degree :)
ReplyDeleteLove, me (and yes, i have a masters degree, too. it IS worth it. once it's FINISHED it's totally worth it ...)