Mr D is away overnight for work yet again so once more I am faced with a sober evening home alone on the sofa. By 7.45pm the kids should be down and the kitchen tidy so I can relax.
In a past life I'd start drinking at 5pm ON THE DOT and have a good bottle in me by 7pm, performing my usual masterful technique of housewifeing and mothering while filling up with vino. Multi-tasking to the max! I was really good at that .. really really good at it.
Well there was that one time my glass got knocked over by one of the kids and red wine went splattering across the white wall and I kind of lost it in anger because that was the last booze in the house.
Oh and there was that other time I was holding my eldest and kind of stumbled a bit and fell and dropped him (semi on the sofa but also kind of on the floor). My in-laws were there for that one and everyone laughed. Maybe they all didn't realise I'd been drinking more than the rest of them.
ANYHOO enough of that dwelling on my sloppy drinking past - on to the future! The now! Yes the now... another sober Saturday night alone on my sofa with nothing to celebrate or reward myself with.
American Idol? Fine except Nicki Minaj annoys the bejingos out of me (I made that word up).
Chocolate? Trying to cure my sugar addiction so no. No no no.
Chips and dip? Too gross and unhealthy.
Mug of green tea? Yep might as well have one of those.
Bubble bath? Got no bubbles but do have some essential oil, lavender and something. So yes, a bath would be nice.
Paint my nails? Could do.
Read a book? Yes I have a new one to start so could do that.
Sigh.
Ok. Or how about this?
How about I realise life isn't about rewards and celebrations. How about I sit in a lovely clean house with my beautiful boys asleep and breath deep and slow and thank my lucky stars that I have what I have.
How about I realise that calm contentment, although sometimes masking itself as boredom and monotony, is absolutely the best gift life has to give me.
How about I realise numbing myself out with wine when I'm sitting alone on that sofa, which is what I always used to do, is really sad loser behaviour and I am extremely lucky that I am not that sad loser any more.
How about I sit at the computer with headphones on and blast my eardrums out with lovely pop songs that will fill me with happy endorphins? Cheesier the better!
There's a plan. 7.45pm - bath. 8pm - songs. 8.20pm Green tea and American Idol plus the laptop so I can catch up on other lovely blogs. 10pm climb into bed.
Sober Saturday night sorted.
Love, Mrs D xxx
It's Friday night here...just got back from Zumba/strength training. Time for a hot bath and some tea :) SO MUCH different than when I was drinking! I would have passed out by now, after drinking myself into a stupor
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLife is not all about rewards etc.- I swear if you weren't half a world away I would have run over to your house in my pajamas and picked you up and twirled you around and hugged you for that brilliant insight!
ReplyDeleteSometimes life is just...life. :)
p.s. I had to delete to fix a typo. Because I am like that.
Love your words, insight, everything Mrs. D - anytime my husband would go out of town, the obsessing, planning about drinking would start...such not normal behavior. Now I look forward to putting kids to bed, reading, having the bed to myself (HA), getting good night sleep, and waking up not feeling like crap. Have a wonderful weekend! xx
ReplyDeleteSober Saturdays are the best kind! And thanks for a glimpse at your music list, but shouldn't you be watching New Zealand Idol?
ReplyDeleteThanks for this great post! I am sitting here on my sat night, in my comfy pjs, reading and sipping tea, and I was thinking, wow, it's been a while since I have felt that way, when did that change? Amazing how sobriety changes our lives! I used to be going nuts, thinking I was missing everything and everyone was having the time of their lives and me...just sitting, being sober, on a sat night, ugh. Really, somehow in my head i alway had it that every day was a party and I had to be a part of that party! Lol! Especially on a Saturday! (except for the end of my drinking when it was just a party of one :/ )
ReplyDeleteBut now I enjoy my quiet nights; this is a true miracle:) this is one of those side effects of sobriety I have never expected at all. I am quite ok with just my self...hmmmm. Weird and amazing. So, I hope you enjoyed your night of Idol and Tea, and taking care of yourself, it is a true miracle that we are able to do that in sobriety!
ps. I was thinking though, when it's my bday or New Years... well I still miss the party! Maybe with time that will go away too :)
I love gratitude posts...and this is no exception! You're right - no rewards and parades for us just because we're here. (Hello ego!) Just being with my family, having my job, having a place to sleep and having people out there who I can help and who help me...well, that's enough. Numbing out isn't an options, whatever form that takes - booze, sugar, self-pity, etc. It's just about enjoying what I have.
ReplyDeleteGreat reminder :)
Paul
I loved this post! We spend so much of our time rushing, rushing, rushing and wanting constant excitement and entertainment, and as you say sometimes calmness and contentment masquerades as boredom. It is nice to just be in the moment and feel grateful. The buddhists call it 'mindfulness' love it...wish I was better at it!
ReplyDeleteLovely post Mrs D. And of course if we do really need a reward for sober Saturdays its clear-headed Sunday mornings isn't it? Cxx
ReplyDeleteThose painful or embarrassing old memories can be so valuable in reinforcing sobriety. I've never 'romanced the drink' when out with friends who do drink wine, because I can remind myself how sloppy and blurry and absent I was when drinking.
ReplyDeleteHow children trust even drunken but much-loved adults to not drop them! Reminded me of that great poem by Theodore Roethke, My Papa's Waltz:
The whiskey on your breath
Could make a small boy dizzy;
But I hung on like death:
Such waltzing was not easy.