That's what drinking was about for me. Always chasing the fun. Being upbeat! Not naval gazing! Cruising my way through life! No dramas! No hassles! Everything fun all the time!!
Glug, glug, glug.
I just wanted everything to be smooth and cruisy all the time, and upbeat and fun wherever possible and alcohol helped me do that. My brother-in-law once came to stay with us for a few weeks while he was working on a film. After he went back home my sister told me that he'd remarked 'It's a party every night at their place'. I didn't register the comment as a negative at the time. Of course it is! Look how fun and cool we are!
Glug, glug, glug.
Of course what I discovered after I took the alcohol away was that I'd been using it to push aside uncomfortable emotions. Uncomfortable emotions had no place in my fun, cruisy, no-drama world. Uncomfortable emotions were such a downer, man, and so they got pushed aside constantly.
Glug, glug, glug.
So learning how to live sober for me was all about discovering that I could still be upbeat and fun and cruisy and happy without glug, glug, gluging all the time (that took a bit of time, to discover that I could still be that chatty, warm, social person without vino).
But learning how to live sober was also about learning how to live in the quiet and flat times. How to sit with those bloody uncomfortable emotions. Or just sit with nothing much going on at all except a normal busy life.
And that's the bit of sober living that I'm still working on. I'm definitely still a work in progress in this area. I can do sober events and have a great time (while wearing sequins and waving my hands in the air).. but come down from a high and head into a hard week and I lurch all over the show. I reach for crap food like bread and butter (real butter mmmmmmm) and cheese (tasty cheese mmmmmm) and lots of sugar. I get introspective and boy does that feel uncomfortable. I withdraw and kind of fret about the fact that I feel glum.
I fucking hate feeling glum and flat and sluggish and grumpy. I hate it! I want to be upbeat! Cruisy! Happy! all the time. Glug, glug..oh wait.. I don't do that any more.
Instead I'll lift my eyes to the horizon and look for the beautiful things around me. I'll burn my oils and make green juices and lie in bed with an eye mask on. I'll listen to Tara Brach if I can be bloody bothered. I might have a bath at 11am just because I want one.
And I won't drink and I'll lurch through and this will pass and everything will be ok. Yes it bloody will.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I love the word, glum, we Americans don't use it enough. I can be riding a high and thanking the gods above for every little thing and then suddenly I'm "glum" and I'm left scrambling for what to do for it. There must be something I can do! But no, sometime I just have to wait for it to pass. It makes joy that much more exquisite.
ReplyDeleteReally needed to read this...been having annoying woe is me/fu*k it thoughts the past couple "glum" days here (perfect word)...almost to 9 months sober (yay)...would seriously suck if I ruined that. Alcohol would surely make things 10,000 times worse....everything WILL be OK..thanks for this - always love reading your blog! xx sarah
ReplyDeleteI think it is just hard for us to sit still, to be with life, to accept things just like they are - I too always thought everything had to be a party! But in the end I just sat in front of the tv, with the curtains shut, drinking- now that was glum!!! I also know that my attitude has a lot to do with the way my day goes, and yes some days are just blah, be it weather, or being tired or what ever, but I love getting up and and saying - Today is going to be a good day! Hang in! - Maggie
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Mrs. D. I can relate to every word. I too believed life was about having fun and grabbing the brass ring and all that shit and that having an unhappy moment was an absolute failure on my part. Sobriety is an enlightening thing, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteXoxox
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ReplyDeleteHi mrs d, I chickened out on my first post, but I am going to come clean, I suffer an addiction and have done since I was 13 years old, I pull my hair out.... There we are said it, I was interfered with as a child and was left with terrible anxiety and consequently pull my hair. Anyway you are helping me, because I can relate to life of the party, hiding stuff and other points you mention. So you know what today I am going to stop, wish me luck as it I don't even know half the time when I pull, it is so ingrained. So here I go journey beginning.....there is bound to be some muddle up and reroutes along the way, like when the GPS lady tells you to pull a u turn . Thanks mrs d in a funny sort of way I feel like you are along for the ride....bucket up it could get bumpy. Night night x
ReplyDeleteYep, yep, and oh yeah...yep. I'm still working on that one too. Right now it's chocolate and that is not good.
ReplyDeleteBut at least we're looking at it, turning it over and exposing it and not (glug, glug) hiding it.
Brilliant, brilliant my friend! You are so beautiful and wise and kind.
Hugs and blessings,
Sherry
Wonderful stuff here, Mrs. D.
ReplyDeleteI like the "flat times" part. That is where my true character / serenity shows itself. Sometimes it's all fuzzy and lovely and other times I am a spoiled little brat. I have to keep in mind that instead of beating myself over those selfish time, that I am sober, and I am dealing with things a LOT better than I used to before. And like you said, sometimes it's just a matter of a busy, hectic day and that's pretty much it. No fireworks of any kind...and I am ok with that, really. Better than the old drama :)
Have a wonderful weekend!
Needed to read that today. As always whenever I read your blog you just get it. You put things in a perspective I need to see. Thanx for this today :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! It seems we're a little opposite on this. i'm a pretty optimistic guy who cruises through my day to day with a smile, a kind thought and a good word, but put me in a social situation and it all goes to shit! Here's a dry toast to finding the Happy medium.
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ReplyDeleteI love this! That is my home, I always up for being sociable, happy fun, full of wine house! I thought that it was ok as long as I was smiling, laid back, together girl then nothing could be wrong with the picture?!Fireworks and chaos, oh bring it on, I was brilliant at coping with everything...as long as I could check out with wine by 6 o'clock every night. I could cope with anything till then.
ReplyDeleteNow, I am trying to get the right balance of real living, feeling stuff (ouch!) crying (that's new) but laughing, really laughing. And when I like something, I love it!
It's a whole new chapter and it doesn't have to be boring or flat. Just real...
Finding new things to lift me up, I will drink to that! Pass the tea x
Everything is already ok, and if you believe in the everlasting continuity of the Universe then you are doing exactly what you're meant to be doing. Eyemasks, candles, baths in the middle of the day and tara brach sound great but be gentle with yourself on the butter and sugar front. Really enjoy them mindfully and ironically you will also lose desire to indulge, but when you do indulge bloody enjoy it! ( :
ReplyDeleteMrs. D, I found your blog a couple of days ago and have read the whole thing starting at day one, finally arriving here : ) Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your writing and how you've shared your story. I celebrated three years sober in June and what a journey it's been. I was very much in the same situation- high functioning alcoholic mom, no terrible outside consequences (yet) but I could feel them looming. Mostly I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And of the defeated self-loathing that I couldn't shake even when I was able to feign drinking moderately. Like you said, I didn't want one I wanted six or seven. Those days are gone and I'm so grateful!
ReplyDeleteKeep it up!
Laura
in Florida
Great post. I always thought the good time was in the next bar, the next drink ... It never was.
ReplyDeleteAlso like you now sober I hate the flat times.
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