I hate to be all Pollyanna on it but I've had some truly glorious 'HOLY SHITBALLS I LOVE BEING SOBER!!' moments this weekend. Just these magical little snatches of time when I can't believe how amazing it is that I now work my brain completely differently to deal with life, and that I have discovered that booze is completely unnecessary for good times.
I flew to my hometown for the weekend for another wee book launch party for family and friends.. and my Mum invited along a woman who was 27 years in recovery…. 27 YEARS!!!!!! Anyway this gorgeous, amazing long-time recovery person made some comment to me that I was clearly having a 'meaningful recovery'.. I think that's what she said…? Or profound recovery? I can't exactly remember but what I think she meant was that not only had I just taken the alcohol away but I had experienced a significant shift in my entire experience of life.
I think this is the thing that has worked so well for me.. not only have I taken the booze away, beaten cravings and broken the habit.. but I have completely changed my approach to how I deal with things. And it's all this 'emotional management' work that makes me so happy to be sober.
I was having a conversation with my Dad and Step-Mum about Tara Brach and how wonderful she is at helping me think about the world in calm ways.. even when shitty difficult really tricky shit is going down (and yes I have a lot of shitty, difficult, tricky shit go down like everyone does that I keep private and never blog about). I was discussing with them how I think often about what Tara advises about the ways to deal with my fellow humans and our world in all it's messy glory, and how tangibly helpful she is to my day-to-day life, how I love flexing my brain in this way, and how grateful I am to be open to this stuff this nowadays.
I was reflecting on how just 3 years ago I would have poo-poo'd the HELL out of someone like Tara Brach or any kind of self-reflective, meditative, naval-gazing BULLSHIT .. that mumbo-jumbo was for hippies and boring introspective types and I'm not like that thank you very much shall we open another bottle? Glug glug glug glug..
I was so happy in this conversation about Tara.. happy to have just the evening before experienced a lovely party with lovely people.. happy to have driven myself home at 11pm, happy to have woken up fresh and content, just feeling so happy and I suddenly turned to my Dad and said "and people ask me if I miss alcohol??!! ALCOHOL SCHMALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!" I said!
For me being sober isn't about the LACK of alcohol.. it's about GAINING so much. For me anyway.. I have gained so much from changing how I live and deal with emotional stuff. Tara Brach is my guru right now.. I might get a new one next year. A new author or speaker or technique or mojo or exercise or new hobby or whatever is going to lift me up an keep me going and get me through. And I love this hippy-dippy mumbo shit. A lot. It helps, it's real, it's so fascinating and fun.
It's true what they say. Putting down the drink is just the beginning.
And now it's time for a cup of tea...
Love, Mrs D xxx
I am just in my last two chapters of Jason Vale's book (about to slip into bed to read the rest), and at the end of day 2 sober. Reading this post has helped remind me and excite me as to why I am doing this. I want to be free, and I want to have fun - like you are! Most importantly, I want to look at things through those new eyes too. Off to look up this Tara you speak of, finish Jason's book, then sleep/slip into day 3 of sobriety. Thank you again so much. My partner and I will come and listen to you speak in 3 weeks in Karori. Night night. x
ReplyDeleteOMG, just looked her up. It's all about meditation. My on again off again psychologist (that's my way of saying I am not so fucked up I need her all the time) has been trying to get me to a) meditate and b) get on top of my drinking for years. Right, this time, night x
ReplyDeleteHi, so lovely to read your post Lotta, which reinforces my new understanding that quitting booze is all about what is to be gained rather than about losing something. I love Tara Brach too and constantly have her podcasts in my ears... I can never get enough of her compassionate and wise take on things. I'm two weeks sober today and so I am a complete baby in sobriety. I can feel my mind flexing and loosening up and thinking more creatively. I'm so happy not to start the day in a seedy disappointed-in-myself way. And when the going gets tough I can turn to the likes of your blog to be encouraged and find fellow travellers on this amazing road.
ReplyDeleteI think this is an absolutely critical brain-change -- to see sobriety as Gaining, not Losing or missing out. Gaining balance, gaining clarity, gaining confidence, gaining memories, gaining self-esteem, gaining honest relationships, gaining... you name it. I just had a wonderful intimate dinner with two friends. They didn't want to drink either, so we ate and laughed and raised our voices excitedly, and had fun, and ate dessert... and there was absolutely nothing that could have been improved or gained by having wine in our glasses. I am so grateful for this. Once, not long ago, I could not have imagined this. Now, with my new sober brain changes, it's my life, and I love it.
ReplyDeleteive been sober for some time now, years, with a few slips however. the main thing i find challenging still is that i never learnt to just be ok without anything to... change things. i went from one addiction to another and finally now i am free of everything but the just sitting with myself and my thoughts is really hard. i am not someone who ever had good self esteem or liked myself and have always had mental health issues so i find it hard to feel great about being sober. i mean i feel great about it in that i am proud of what i achieved and know i did the right thing and what i had to do but i have never been able to be the fun social outgoing girl and go to parties and dance all night sober like i would when i was drunk. anxiety and body image issues are crippling. where can i read to learn to change this thinking???
ReplyDeleteHi Serra, the podcasts from Tara Brach that Mrs D talks about in this post might be worth a try. They are all available for free on her website -- tons and tons of them. She talks about all sorts of issues where we feel uncomfortable or out of depth, and how to cope with the feelings and emotions around them. Hope they help you.
Deletegreat thank you!
DeleteI loved your comment, Alcohol SCHMALCOHOL, so true, because thats all it is .... Crappy Addictive Alcohol. The Booze Brain does is again.
ReplyDeleteLove it Alcohol SCHMALCOHOL. I had a great sober weekend woke up this morning feeling clear headed and coped with my day better than I would have if I'd drank alcohol in the weekend. I'm reading Jason Vale's book too. It's intense. I never realised that not drinking was freedom and something to gain. This is a new way of thinking for me. I'm still not sure after Dry July is over if I'll drink again. Forever is a long time from Mrs M,
ReplyDeleteI was the same Mrs D - so cynical about anything vaguely touchy feely. I wore my contempt like armour as I had so much loathing for myself. Liking myself more means I like everything more and I too appreciate the softness of these other approaches :) xx
ReplyDeleteThis post chimes so much with what I have been feeling over the last week … I haven't experienced this yet, but have been feeling the need for that shift inside over how I experience life and how I deal with things emotionally. Not blocking out every emotion with wine feels a little full on to begin with! Sometimes I worry I get into a bad way because I spend *too* much time naval gazing, in trying to think my way out of everything, maybe I've just never been much good at balance! I've been reading Tara Brach recently (I think I first came across her on your blog) and I love the way she takes about having compassion as well as awareness. It is something I need to work on :) That and the power of the pause (is that Tara?) Lovely to read about you sorting all this stuff out and moving to a happier more balanced place. Inspiring :) xx
ReplyDeleteJust listening to you lotta on the bubble hour - wonderful! For years I worried and struggled alone - absolutely terrified of outing myself at a recovery meeting - it just didn't resonate. But the online blog community has been critical and it's so empowering to be in an internet group. Maybe it is a way for women in a way that is more successful than groups? I keep feeling like I am in an echo with people in the www place repeating my experiences and I don't feel so isolated tis a wonderful thing. Xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for the inspiration Mrs D and this online blog gives you hope knowing you aren't facing this struggle alone :) I am now on Day 4 aft starting on Friday after friends came over for dinner who were doing Dry July and thought stuff it will jump on the bandwagon, as wanting to face this addiction for a long time now...your recent Sunday programme gave me the kick I needed albeit not immediately I feel. Weekend was tough as usually would have cracked open a beer come 12 then after a few more moved to finishing a bottle of wine...was a bit unsettled and edgy in the evenings...think the 10km run on Sunday was easier and a way of getting the frustration out after a dry Saturday hahaha. Today I had more energy for a Monday than I have had in a long time and am starting to feel like a bottle of wine each night is not a prerequisite to get through completing the day....yay I want more of this...I know this is only the beginning of the journey and those temptation voices that have been mentioned are definitely there but I have hope now and have managed to tell them to sod off thus far :)
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! So happy for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D,
ReplyDeleteGreat insight into your little world as normal.
I hear you.
For me I realised that I wasn't really aware there was anything other than work, the pub and my family. I was in a cocoon. The work thing was the worse for me. I had to be in work at a certain time, I had to leave at a certain time, and I had things I had to do at certain times. People told me what to do, the people I told what to do didn't do what they were told to do, and we all looked at each other as if to say what the fuck is going on?
People can say, 'Just quit your job then."
Quit my job?
Are you fucking kidding me?
This idea wasn't even on the table whilst I was drinking. It was sealed in a plastic bag rammed into the bottom draw of the freezer behind those pigs trotters that nobody is ever going to eat.
Then I stopped drinking and quitting my job was a piece of piss.
I quit and everything changed.
I am so full of gratitude everyday because I am no longer owned by that poison.
Love life.
Keep up the good work.
Lee
Lotta, you are so so correct. I have realised by reading your blog and other blogs, talking to my AA friends who have good sobriety that giving up the booze is just the start. It is about living "life on lifes terms" and coping with the ups and downs in a reasoned way. I am not very good at that by know that it is about retraining my brain . As always you are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteCherie xx
I feel like giving up booze and doing nothing else is like giving up meat but not changing the rest of your diet. So you have a dinner plate with vegetables, and a carb, and a big hole where the steak used to be. But vegetarians don't do that; they look for alternative sources of protein, and experiment with all sorts of new food, and they turn into better cooks with a wider repertoire. Sobriety is like that: something has to fill the hole where booze was. For me it's writing, which does the job that I wanted booze to do so much better, and so much more efficiently that I can't imagine ever giving it up again to drink.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great analogy - that helps a lot. Like what some other people have said, it's about what you gain, not what you lose. Until now, I've always felt I'm losing a lot. I'm not. I'm gaining it (or will be anyway, I made the commitment yesterday and signed up for Dry July this morning, but I am not going to touch booze for the rest of my life. Not sure how I will stay strong all the time, but I'm definitely going to find a way. Remembering all the positive comments here about gaining rather than losing something will definitely help. Thank you all so much.
DeleteWell, take courage in the fact that you won't need to stay strong all the time: once you have a bit of time under your belt, the cravings lessen and disappear. You do have to stay vigilant, and do the work around the sobriety (not necessarily AA steps: I don't), which is what Mrs D is talking about. But it's not a matter of white knuckling and self denial for the rest of your life, or anything. Good luck!
DeleteMrs D, Have just finished to Tara, wow now feel so relaxed. You know how some days you just feel so comfortable inside and are searching for something to guide you. I was at last straws and had just re-read your blog and then thought I am going to listen to Tara. I am glad I did I feel like I have just walked out of a relaxation session. Think I am hooked now.
ReplyDeleteI wrote to much so have emailed you the whole letter. Anyway, I sit here reading your blog and wondering, am I? Am I an alcoholic? I've been drinking since I was in high school. 1st drunk was in 6th grade, what was I, 12? My older friend stole some wine coolers from the parents fridge and we drank a lot of them. They were tasty so why not? My parents were so upset the next morning but I was so sick that they were nicer than they should have been. We had a lake house and basically lived there in the summers and on weekends though out the year. Our lake house was in a cove that was "The Party Cove"… I mean everyone who wanted to party was docked up and drinking. Not the best place for raising a family, I would say. I learned how to beer bong early on. I drank and smoked and carried on. I thnk it was 8th grade that same friend made me a huge mixed drink of whiskey, vodka, rum, u name it… who knows but she made it taste good and i drank it! I got so sick my parents were so pissed but again… a hangover was the best punishment ever! Of course in high school the parties started and lots of getting hammered continued. I would say I haven't felt like an alcoholic most of my life because I am into health. I've always worked out, first doing aerobics, then running then pilates, yoga, etc. I'm health conscious. Sure, I appreciate a good steak every once in a while but I prefer fish. I go gluten free. Sushi is my thing and I prefer brown rice. I eat veggies constantly. BUT… THEN there is alcohol. I love love love wine. LOVE LOVE LOVE WINE! And then I love love love ciggys with it. Not all the time but I start drinking and this mama wants some ciggys. I have literally been searching the house for some because I am dying to have one at this very moment. Hubby usually has them around but he is out of town with my son. My two baby girls are upstairs sleeping and I am drinking probably my 6th glass of wine. And what's crazy is I don't even feel it. I am sure I would blow a crazy high number if I was getting a breathalyzer right now. That would be really interesting because my tolerance is so freaking high it's ridiculous. You talk about how much you got sick. I don't get sick. I can drink and drink and drink. And whats weirder is it makes me more awake so I stay up til 2 am easy. I might be tired in the morning, swollen, a little hungover but it's not that bad (i take my vitamins and my cod liver oil of course) but seriously my joints are killing me when i wake up. Last week I had way too much to drink on the 4th so I took a week off and my body finally felt normal. No aches and pains, clarity, happiness. But here I am again. Just because I can't attend a social event without having a drink. And no, it wasn't just a drink. I went home and drank another bottle and a half. I have been googling "how much alcohol is too much?" Ive been talking to my best friend who is pregnant and not drinking right now but normally loves to drink as much as I do and she keeps telling me I'm fine that I have had a stressful few years and its understandable, its ok. I can drink. but I am trying to explain it to her that I don't just have a glass or two of wine… I have a bottle or two. That is so not ok. So, what do you think? Am I an alcoholic? I must say as I wrote this I just drank another 2 glasses of wine. I was just searching for the bottle and just found it in the trash. So, therefore, I am thinking I just answered my own question. Which makes my heart hurt and my stomach sick. How am I going to deal with this?
ReplyDeleteWhat ever it takes- do what ever it takes to get to where you want to be!!!
Deleteohhhhhhh man I so hear you? Not sure whether y ou have a problem but deep down inside know you have but what the heck are we gonna do???? I am scared too. I am 43, got 3 kids, 7, 6 and 4, of course love them to bits but love my WINE too... I just find it relaxing at night to have a fee wines but then every now and then want more....like now, I have had a bottle and now onto beers... I gave up smoking 6 weeks ago so have that going on... feeling fucked off with addiction!!!!
DeleteOh I only remember too well your "I am not a naval gazer" days. I felt like a freak in your presence at times. But I have always loved and admired you! xxx
ReplyDeleteMrs D you have totally come into my life at a crucial time. Im a mum of 2 hold down a fulltime job and have always loved to work hard and playhard. A party girl always up for a laugh but wine has started dictating my thoughts and life. I too am known to polish off a bottle and crack into the next. Sometimes only weekly, of late everyday! My kids have started noticing my habits and commenting. God they are both under 7! Whenever i do drink im always the sloppiest and need to sort it out. I am sick of wine ruling my world, last night i overindulged yet again and had the 3am guilts... again! Ive been reading your book and its helping me feel inspired to make a change. Like you i am determined to try on my own, what books and blogs do you recommend to help keep my going? Im worried once your book is finished it will go out of mind... the motivation not as strong. I need to make a change. For my children, family and of course.... myself!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful blog. I listened to you on the bubble hour and I loved your genuine spirit that shines through.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your thoughts on sobriety! Life is SO GREAT sober! Freedom, bliss, joy.
Thank you for opening the box on the wondrous life of sobriety.
Mrs D, I wish I'd found you sooner. It has taken a long while for me to recognise that I have a - very big - problem, and even much longer to do something about it. Always thinking yes I will - tomorrow. No more! I've been reading your blogs, about one a day, since your appearance on Sunday, and you have inspired me to take the step. Signed up for Dry July this morning, and fully intend to keep going when it's finished. I will keep coming back through thick and thin because this time I've decided there will be NO MORE WINE in my life EVER and it's not LOSING anything, but GAINING it. And then I can start to address the other issues it has kept me running away from. Day 1 - and a very long walk ahead I know.
ReplyDeleteHave just finished your book LOVED IT!!!
ReplyDeleteFrom start to finish, didn't want it to end tried to read slowly but found I couldn't put it down, I have found myself thinking "I do that" it makes sense to me now what was starting to happen to me and you have made it clearer in my own mind that I too can not just have one, hopefully I to will reach a point of getting up in the morning and never having to think if I can drink today or not because I don't ever want to again :)
Day 2 - thanks to u all on here! Danger time after work, normally straight to the local - down 3 glasses of wine, home cook dinner, another couple of glasses, hubby stops i don't, carry on and then I'm sloshed, off to bed, do the insomnia thing - get up go to work and repeat, and repeat and repeat... Not tonight, drive past the local, home, prepare dinner, finish painting job thats been waiting to be done for weeks, do washing put washing away, eat dinner, long nice soak in bath - now sat with a cuppa - feel great! Gonna be hard but you guys so help - thank u x
ReplyDeleteFantastic. Go you! I once heard a guy say he used to drive home every night and turn left into the liquor store for his poison of choice despite vowing every day not to. Eventually he won his battle and when asked how he replied "simple - I turned right". Good on u Nancy pants!
ReplyDeleteThank u x I will just keep turning right! Day 3 baby steps :) feeling good and am already gaining
DeleteDay 6 for me Nancy pants - maybe we can do this together!
DeleteDay 6 well done you! It's so hard but will so be worth it - day 4 now for me - tonight will be the big test but I am determined. Lets do this!! I am loving waking up normal! So much extra time without wine! You go colouful1! Xx we can all beat this!
DeleteMrs D, I listened to you on the Bubblehour last night. It was fantastic - thank you. I was so pleased to hear more about your story and about how your life has totally changed. I have bought a Tara Brach book and am really enjoying it. I loved the point about how we need to keep actively in recovery, reading books and blogs, talking and growing, otherwise we will become complacent a and fall off the wagon.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D have been reading some of the blog lists you have on your blog. Gosh they are interesting am learning so much that I didnt know. Thankyou .
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D I brought your book and read it in 2 days, brilliant!! Only took me that long because I fell asleep. It's me to the t. Opening up your world has also helped open the doors for those of us still peering out and wondering what it's like with alcohol...thanks.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D, I watched your interview last week, the day after the night before (if you know what I mean). We'll it resonated with me,I have been feeling for sometime that I may have a slight control issue with alcohol and I have also done some stuff that I am not proud of under the influence. Anyway it's been inspiration for me to go alcohol free and see where it leads. So far it's been 8 days and it feels good. Last night was a revalation for me as for a change i was the sober one and didn't make a dick of myself while out, yes! That felt good when I woke up this morning. I do feel a little joyless so am curious to see where that may go... I really want to know who I actually am and have a feeling being alcohol free at all times is the only way to find out :). Haha maybe I am a dry - balls -old - joyless, I hope I don't find that out!
ReplyDelete