You are not alone...

My new book is now out! Very exciting. It's called Mrs D Is Going Within and it's all about the next-stage work I did on myself and my recovery after getting to around 3 years sober.

It is available on Kindle through Amazon but DON'T buy a hard copy through Amazon they don't get it in their American-based warehouse till November (which strikes me as extremely odd but there it is). If you live overseas best to buy it on Book Depository and they'll ship it anywhere in the world straight away. If you live in NZ MightyApe is best... or of course walk into a book store!

Opening up my buzzy mind to the world in the form of a book has lead to a crap-tonne of vulnerable feelings and lost sleep and nerves in the tummy so I have been pounding my tools to help me get through.

Number 1 tool is forgiving myself for being a nervy wound up mess and not a perfect shining example of a calm zen person and accepting that I am who I am and I can't control my emotions.

I've had a little bit of media around the book which has given me a good opportunity to also talk about Living Sober and it's been great to see some new people hear about our community and come and join us to start talking about their own circumstances regarding alcohol. Hopefully we can all pull together and offer them lots of kindness and understanding and they'll start to climb out of the boozy hole.

It breaks my heart to imagine all the people who are right now in that awful, stuck, lonely place like the one I was in when I was deep in my alcohol addiction.

It's such an awful place to be in - especially because you feel like something is wrong with you that you've got to this miserable place and everyone else is having a fine and dandy time supping their chardonnay and being totally in control.

But believe me YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are so, so, so, so, so many of us who are (or have been) locked into a place of boozy misery. Alcohol is a readily available, cheap, glorified, normalised, highly addictive drug that causes masses of harm to huge amounts of people.

If you are reading this right now and you are feeling stuck and lonely and miserably then please know that it IS possible to change. BELIEVE that change is possible. KNOW that you can get to a place where you won't miss that shit at all. REACH OUT and connect with others who are going through and have been through the same thing, and then START working towards living the rest of your life sober.

You won't regret it. I promise.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Profoundly, deeply, overwhelmingly....

I just had a great boogie at the school disco! Danced up a storm at the back door where I was on duty letting the cool air come in and no kids go out. The DJs (Dads) were playing all manner of brilliant cheesy hits and the kids were having a blast showing adults how to have fun without bending their brains. It was a lovely ending to a day which started sadly at the funeral of a friend's dad.

Home now, kids are in bed and I am lying on the sofa in my PJs watching TV and drinking chamomile tea.

I know there are loads of people who will be out and about this Friday night .. boozing it up merrily at bars and clubs in town. Or maybe creating their own private party at home with wines or some such (like I used to). I don't worry about that or feel like I'm missing out. I did that sort of thing for years and years. I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like to get smashed with friends chatting and laughing and dancing the night away.

I know what it feels like to glug, glug, glug my way through the night with my foot to the floor, charging on all cylinders, necking booze like it's going out of fashion.

I know what it feels like to get hit with waves of nausea on the dance floor.

I know what it feels like to ask the taxi to stop so you can lean out the door and puke onto the road.

I know what it feels like to vomit in the front garden then lie down for a wee nap in the bushes.

I know what it feels like to check your bank account for late night transactions that you can't remember ("must've been another round of chocolate martinis").

I know what it feels like to wake with a pounding head, sick guts and a brain full of nerves and regret.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Then said goodbye, traded in that life for a new one. Re-shaped my identity and became a sober woman.

I love living sober. Living sober means I front up to every experience in my life - whether it be sad or challenging or fun - and experience it 100%. Full throttle. Full noise. Full human experience all day every day. Love it. Love, love, love it.

I often say that I don't regret any of my drinking because what's the point in looking back (and a lot of it was fun let's be honest). But to say that I am grateful to have gotten booze out of my life and be experiencing a totally different way of living is an understatement.

I am so profoundly, deeply, overwhelmingly grateful to be sober. There is not one teeny tiny percent of me that wants to be anything else.

And that is a fantastic way to feel.

Love, Mrs D xxx

What other people think of me is none of my business..

I absolutely love this saying. What other people think of me is none of my business. It sums up such a great attitude to have. I can waste so much time worrying; did I say something stupid when I chatted to that person this morning or does this person think I'm a dickhead or is everyone secretly thinking I'm a yawn fest of a housewife??

But if I remember that what other people think of me is none of my business then I can get myself in perspective and drop the worry.

Getting myself in perspective also involves remembering that most people aren't really thinking of me at all most of the time! I regularly look around and remind myself that every single other person is crazy busy and preoccupied with their own worries and commitments and pressures and close relationships and aren't paying me much attention at all (if any). I find this very calming and relaxing.

Mr D has just gone away overseas for 2 weeks of work and my new book comes out in 3 weeks so it would be fair to say I'm a bit edgy. I'm trying to channel my edginess into good endeavours like getting my smashed wing mirror fixed (whoops!), painting the living room wall deep red (a job for Friday), making online albums with our digital family photos etc etc. Plus all the usual online writing etc and housewife-ing and parenting that I do.

I told the community at Living Sober this morning that I'm going to work hard not to turn into a blobby pig for the next two weeks and to keep up with the things that improve my day just that little bit (dog walking, yoga, healthy drinks and food). And of course no alcohol ever!

It's funny - Mr D being away or out for the evening used to always be a good excuse for me to drink more than normal. So glad those days are over.  Being a heavy boozer seems so foreign to me now.. abstract almost like I can't imagine it ever having been a reality. Five and a half years since my last drink and I am firmly cemented as someone who lives sober. Hallelujah!

Hang in there those of you in the tough early stages. It does get easier and easier the longer you go on.. especially if you do some concerted work on your life to fill in the gap left by alcohol. Find lovely treats and endeavours that will improve your days little bits at a time.

That walk outside might only make things better by 5% but it's better than not having it at all.

This is the trick - to realise these good, nourishing, authentic things (like dog walking, yoga, healthy drinks and food) are subtle and slow-burning. They don't offer quick, dramatic fixes (like booze did), but they are lovely and very effective ... and my lifestyle would certainly be much poorer without them.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The Gift of Desperation...

It's 3am on Tuesday the 6th of September 2011. I am sitting on the toilet in the depths of despair. I am suffering the physical ill-effects of drinking copious amounts of wine the night before, and I am suffering the emotional ill-effects of living for years with a heavy and progressive drinking problem.

At this very moment, with my pants down and tears rolling down my cheeks, I make a decision that will dramatically alter the course of my life. I decide to quit drinking alcohol forever.

That utterly wretched moment - me on the toilet with my self-esteem and self-worth severely diminished - delivered me a powerful point with which to make a change.  A rock on which to build a new foundation.

They call this the gift of desperation. From my worst moment something beautiful grew.

Would I have ever made the dramatic decision to not touch alcohol ever again if I hadn't reached that low point? Maybe if we lived in a different world. A world where it's not such a big deal to never touch alcohol. A world where LOADS of people live sober. Wouldn't that be lovely....!

But sadly this is not the case. In my current environment it is dramatic (to say the least) to choose a lifestyle so at odds with the norm. To choose to always be in the minority at parties and events. To choose to say 'not for me thanks' every time booze is on offer. To choose to never touch alcohol ever despite knowing there is going to be so much emotional pain and hurt coming along that will be hell to deal with.

Making the big dramatic choice to live sober was made simpler for me because of the miserable, low place my drinking took me to. Because of my desperation. This is the gift of desperation.

I call to mind often the feeling I had toward the end of my drinking days - and particularly that last day/night - and it helps remind me why I quit. I will never let myself forget.

As unlikely as it sounds I am profoundly grateful for that awful 3am moment back in 2011 - my shittiest, lowest, most miserable point. Because it truly was a gift, one that I will always be thankful for.

Love, Mrs D xxx

New book nerves..

Just a month now to go until my new book is released and I can feel myself getting a bit nervous and distracted. Dates are being set for book store events, media are being sent copies, my publicist is gearing up to get the book noticed.

I'm having dreams where I'm in a newsroom feeling completely out of my depth and like a fraud ... being asked to do complicated stories. This is my CLASSIC anxiety dream tapping into old insecurities (in my past life I was a TV journalist).

Also hitting the sugar a little bit although I've been off recently so this on-phase (which started at Easter) hopefully won't bed in too deeply.

And just generally feeling edgy and ill-at-ease. Not the most chilled out relaxed version of myself anyway... hard to completely relax when I'm about to release to the world another exposing story about the inner workings of my brain and my attempts to deal with life, relationships and my raw emotions.

But I'm not complaining! I'm fortunate I get to write books and someone wants to publish them. I'm happy to share my process in case it helps anyone else. And writing what I'm going through certainly helps me - so all-in-all what lies ahead is good.

But I'd be lying if I didn't say there was a fair amount of nerves and vulnerability to contend with as well.

So! Time to practice what I preach in the book (although it hopefully doesn't come across as preachy!) and use my tools to keep myself feeling good.

* Treat myself kindly and with compassion.
* Accept what is happening and put it in perspective.
* Do lovely nourishing things that will improve my days by tiny amounts that add up to an overall better feeling of wellness (yoga, dog walking, bubble baths etc).
* Focus on all the other people around me and and their lives.
* Remember to feel and notice my breath (ground myself in my body).
* Focus on what my hands are doing and what my eyes can see (ground myself in the moment).
* Allow myself at times to get distracted with good books and absorbing TV programmes!
* Practice gratitude to remind myself of all the lovely little things

It is school holidays here and today the sun is shining. I am grateful for my fingers which allow me to type out how I am feeling. I am grateful for the internet which connects me with lovely like-minded people. I am grateful for our City Council putting on a Nature Trail that we will visit today. I am grateful for my dog who is lying on my feet right now keeping them warm. And I am grateful for my sobriety. Because goodness knows where my life would be right now if I was still boozing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. You can pre-order the book (hard copy) at Book Depository or at MightyApe or at Fishpond.  Or you can pre-order the Kindle version here at Amazon.

An alcohol-free Easter...

Someone commented on my last post saying this Easter will be their first sober Easter for 20 years and did I have any "quirky & vibrant tips to have a luxurious A-free Easter?"

Well I'm not sure if they're quirky and vibrant but I do have some tips.

I've written about my Easters before (here and here and here) because it's always been a bit of a sober challenge for me as we go to stay with extended family in a remote location and everyone else drinks daily and I now don't.

It's interesting how my Easters have developed since I got sober. At times I've felt very out of place and conspicuously sober, at times I've felt very clever, special and unique, at times I've felt very judgey and uptight about other people's habits ... but nowadays I just feel ordinary and relaxed about my point of difference, unconcerned about what others are doing, and well practiced in how to take care of myself.

Firstly I keep very grounded in the big picture of my life, and not the immediate reality of these few days away. The big picture is that me and alcohol were not friends. Ours was not a casual relationship. Alcohol made feel like shit about myself, it got me sloppy and miserable and I am so, so, so, so much happier overall without it in my life. The immediate reality is just a few days where I am around boozers and might feel a little bored or awkward at times. I'm happy to take that for the knowledge that in the bigger picture of my life being sober is fabulous.

Secondly I'll go prepared. I always pack a small plastic container with some of my favourite teabags and multivitamins. Obviously this is to feel happy when I'm away (drinking my favourite tea and popping multivitamins always makes me feel good about myself) but also the act of preparing the container sends me a little message that I'm looking out for myself in the days ahead - being my own best friend. I'll also pack books and magazines, take time selecting my clothes, maybe paint my nails and pluck my eyebrows ... all little things to lift my mood and make me feel good about myself.

Thirdly I'll behave in self-soothing ways during the break. I'll go to bed early if I feel like it (and not worry what others will think). I'll try to make healthy food choices were possible (and not beat myself up about any Easter Egg consumption!). I'll indulge in bubble baths or long hot showers. I'll take mini-breaks during the day if I feel like it to go read a book or do some yoga or go for a walk - something nice and calm anyway.

Finally I'll remember to notice the little things that make my sober life so rewarding. I'll recognise every morning when I wake up hangover free and notice how good it feels. I'll close my eyes and breath deeply when soaking in a bubble bath to savour the moment. I'll appreciate every meaningful conversation I have with a relative or time spent hanging with my kids - my connections to other humans are so much richer now that I'm not numbing myself constantly.

So hopefully dear commenter these are some decent tips for you even though they might not be quirky and vibrant. Always remember what you are doing in removing alcohol from your life is brave and amazing and the world should be giving you a medal for your efforts!! And cast your mind forward to the days after Easter when you know that you will feel so happy and proud of yourself if you got through with out drinking. Go well!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Then and now...

THEN:

I used to fall into bed at around 10 or 11pm completely full up with wine. I couldn't tell you exactly what my mood was or what thoughts I was having because I'd be totally numbed out, blurred, disconnected from my thoughts and cut off from my emotions completely. No drama. Just me drunk.

I'd fall into a boozy sleep (is that good sleep? I'm not sure it is...) and stay that way until about 3am when I'd wake up to go to the toilet. I'd sit on the throne doing my business - my pounding head slumped forward, thoughts rushing at me like a freight train....

"Why did you drink so much wine yet again? Why did you open that second bottle? What the hell are you like? You promised you'd have an alcohol-free night. Why did you start and why did you keep going? Why did you eat four bits of toast at 10pm? Why? Why? Why?"

I'd finish my business and get back into bed - often swallowing a big gulp of water from the glass on my beside table and necking a couple of pain killers (conveniently left in the drawer, always). My bladder would be empty but my head still pounding and racing with unhappy, guilt-ridden thoughts. 

I'd lie awake for an hour or two...tossing and turning..alcohol insomnia I'd call it. I had it bad. Night after night I'd be awake from 3 until 5ish..

Eventually the painkillers might work enough that I'd get a little bit more (crappy) sleep only to be woken by the kids at the crack of dawn. I'd drag my body out of bed. Drink a big mug of instant coffee. Beat myself up. Shower. Feel like shit. Dress. Beat myself up. Get into the day beating myself up. Beating myself up. Beating myself up. Until the afternoon came, I convinced myself I didn't have a problem, and away I'd go again...

NOW:

I usually climb into bed at around 9pm with a mug of chamomile tea. I decide whether to watch some TV or read one of the 10 books I have sitting beside my bed. Maybe I have cookbooks with me and am making a meal plan for the week ahead. A son might come and join me to watch 'Boarder Patrol' or "Storage Wars New York". I get up and down a few times to help put the older kids to bed, taking the time to snuggle them in and have a quick chat. 

At around 10.30pm I turn the light off. 

Eight and a half hours later I wake up, and think to myself "Holy shit that was a good sleep".

And then I get into my day only to do the same the next night and the next night.

And this is why I will never touch alcohol ever again.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Adele

I think when you live raw all of the time you become very sensitive to strong emotions and feelings.. very easily swayed by heightened environments, and they affect you quite strongly.

This is living in the raw. Sometimes it sucks.. but sometimes - like last Thursday! - it's totally awesome!!

Last Thursday we went to Adele. Me, my mum, and two of my sisters.

I'm pretty sure I've written before about sober concerts. They are the best thing EVER! I've really embraced concerts since I quit drinking because I realised early on it's one of the best ways to get a big natural endorphin rush.

Everything is laid out for you to have an amazing time. The buzz of a crowd (bigger the better!), the lighting, the music.. I just love it. Since becoming sober I've been to concerts in small venues like Ladyhawke and Elbow, and I've been to bigger shows like The Arctic Monkeys, Elton John, Sting and Paul Simon together, Coldplay, Rhianna, and then last week ... Adele.

Adele!! What a hilarious legend she is. Her show was fantastic. I was so moved when it opened (with much drama to ginormous cheers as she appeared under the spotlights and started singing 'Hello') that my hands were shaking. Talk about heightened emotions!

She was hilarious and brilliant. She chatted to the crowd as much as she sang. Me and my mum and sisters sang and danced and swayed and just had the best time. I felt very grounded in my body and my experience.. a small spec in a tiny crowd.

Me the sober, alive, heightened, appreciative, happy woman in Section C4 Seat S19.

I love sober concerts precisely because I am sober. I don't go with any furtive desire to get to the bar for drinks time and again nor do I need to go to the toilet over and over. I go with my head on straight to experience things fully, my eyes wide open to watch people and soak up the atmosphere, my feet planted firmly on the ground (in comfy shoes), and a positive and excited attitude.

I'm still riding on a post-Adele high 5 days later, feeling so grateful for her performance and so happy to have spent really lovely and enriching time with my mum and sisters.

Sobriety has given me all of this and I don't take it for granted. My life would not be what it is if I was still guzzling wine all the time. So maybe I've got myself to thank for last Thursday's joy as much I do Adele.

Thank you Adele for being so warm and talented. And thank you me for being sober to appreciate all she has to offer.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Consistency is HARD!

I'm feeling pretty good this week. Why?

Well, for starters I'm eating well. After my cake eating binge on Sunday (literally ate half a lemon sour cream cake dripping with sugar syrup mmmmm) I've sworn off wheat and sugar and dairy for two weeks and now, three days into it, I'm feeling strong and proud and fine and dandy.

Secondly I'm moving my body and getting into nature regularly. I'm doing yoga at home still - yes! I'm going for walks around the hills in my neighbourhood with my girlfriends. I'm running around after my kids as per usual. And I'm attending my regular Tuesday night yoga class.

Thirdly I'm forcing myself to get more organised and focused on my new writing project rather than spend my down time during the day watching Netflix.

All of these things are contributing to me feeling great!

Clever, functional, healthy, positive thinking, forward moving Mrs D. Aaaahhh the joy in being so very successful.

Problem is, in two weeks time all of this could have gone to shit. I could be binging on the sugar again, spending far too much time watching tele, turning down offers to walk, failing to do any yoga at home and generally just wallowing in my piggy, lazy, unhealthy mindset.

If only I could be consistent!!!!! If only I could maintain a perfect perfect lifestyle 100% of the time.

Sadly that is not my reality. Consistency is not my strong point.

But you know what? I can't be bothered worrying about that right now. For fucks sake, I accept who I am, cake-binging warts and all.  If I slump into a pit of lazy despair in a few weeks so be it. Knowing me I'll lift up again afterwards and end up feeling like I do now. That's how I roll.

I'm a work in progress.. not a problem to be solved. And of course there is one MAJOR thing that I am able to remain consistent at, and that is not drinking alcohol ever.  If this the only thing I ever manage to stay consistent at for the rest of my life then that's ok with me.

Love, Mrs D xxx

All the complications of the world....

Sometimes I look at my boys rattling around the kitchen being noisy and cheeky and can't quite believe that they're going to be men one day. Big grown men looking after their own lives and families.

And I get this swelling in my chest and I fill with overwhelming emotion. A whole heap of love, a bit of fear (will everything turn out alright?), some guilt (why did we have that massive fight about salami yesterday?), sadness (they won't be living with me forever), and finally happiness and contentment (look what I have right in front of me right now).

Oh my goodness just started crying while I typed this. Emotional me. I am very emotional nowadays!

Everything since I stopped drinking booze has been about my feelings. About how they were squashed under concrete following years of boozing. About how they burst out of me with overwhelming intensity when I first got sober. About how I struggle to deal with them as my alcohol-free life goes on. 

Sometimes I hate my feelings and think they suck balls. Sometimes I find them really intense and lovely like the ones I'm feeling for my sons right now. I'm actually typing this standing in the kitchen with 20 minutes to go until we head out the door. They are playing Moana songs and singing along and making bread rolls and practicing scooter tricks and playing with the dog and chatting to each other. And here I am in the corner middle aged, sober, lumpy and bursting with feelings. 

I am such a hyper-emotional and super-sensitive person nowadays. Maybe I have always been this sensitive and my drinking was to dull things and make them manageable? I cry watching sentimental television programmes or hearing sad stories on the news. I feel very acutely when nerves are creating butterflies in my tummy or stress tightens my chest. I respond strongly when any raw emotion is expressed by another person in front of me (even if they're on the tele).   

I'm not complaining. I'm up for the challenge of a hyper-emotional life, warts and all. I'm up for the challenge of sobriety - have been since day one and now at day 2004 I'm just as game. 

As Sarah Hepola said in her brilliant book 'Blackout'; "Sobriety is full throttle. No earplugs. No safe distance. Everything at its highest volume. All the complications of the world, vibrating your sternum."

Yes indeed. All the complications of the world. The pain of loss, the shards of disappointment, the rays of hope, the satisfaction of success, the delight in being understood, and the glory of connection.

And the brilliance of a 10-year-old boy who just farted and blamed it on the dog.

Time to stop being sentimental and get these boys to school....

Love, Mrs D xxx