Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tomorrow's the day

So this 90-day thing feels quite significant. I'm not sure why.  It's an AA thing and I'm not in AA, but I know that they make a really big deal when someone has managed to stay sober for 90 days (a special coin? some sort of ceremony?).  I've been getting excited myself about tomorrow and feeling like I should do something special like make a big pavlova! And cover it with whipped cream and fresh berries and a broken up flake bar.  Lots of lovely crumbs of chocolate.  That would be a statement.

But personally, inside me, I have to say that the journey to this point has been intense and revealing.  And now that I'm here I feel a certain level of calm about living a life without alcohol.

Having said that I did have a pang or two yesterday, accompanied by a small stomach turn (nerves?) and a kind of incredulous voice inside saying 'Really? Never again?  Really?'.  I think it's still going to be hard, and at times I'll be sad that I can't be a casual drinker.

But I can't, so there, move on Mrs D.

Anyway.  One of the main things I have learned in the past 90 days is that it is in the stillness and quiet that I find it hardest not to drink.  The hardest weekend I had recently was a weekend where we had no plans.  Just the family hanging out.  I struggled all weekend.

I've been to a wedding, hosted a party, attended BBQs and meals at friends houses.  I've been to bars, attended Black Tie dinners and dined at fancy restaurants and all of these events have been fine sober.  Better than fine.   I love going out socially when I'm not drinking and not revealing to everyone that I have an enthusiastic attitude to wine.

But Tuesday nights are difficult.  Random Wednesdays at 4.59pm.  Weekends with nothing on.  The quiet, the still, it scares me and I feel an urge to drink.  I used to think it was boredom but Dr Drew told someone on Celebrity Rehab that boredom is another word for depression.  I'm not depressed.  But I have been avoiding some sadnesses.  I'm having to learn to be low sometimes, and flat.  I never knew that was going to happen.

Bring on the next 90 days I say.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. I'm right behind you, Day 81 for me. I understand what you're talking about, today I was looking at some real estate sites and I found myself looking wistfully at the beautiful margarita glasses displayed above a homes bar. Thank God I hate tequila.

  2. Congrats on your first 90 days, I promise the next 90 get easier :) I have just in the past few months gotten to where Sundays are no longer hard for me... that was MY day... my day to drink away for so many years... I have now learned to fill it up with other things, such as cooking meals for the week ahead, etc. You can do it!!

  3. Congrats Mrs. D. In NA the 90 day chip is red, and for a good reason. It's a chip of warning. It's at this time that we start to feel good about ourselves, physically have detoxed, and mentally feel more acutely alive. It's a time when some of us think maybe a drink is not so bad. Keep up the good work. You sound like you are doing really well.

  4. I like what Dr Drew said about boredom - but I read somewhere that "Boredom is terror in disguise" in that if you are bored you are obviously not doing the thing that you should because it terrifies you.

    It is pretty confronting eh?

    As I get used to being sober, I find so many other things to put the focus on and there is sooo much time to get better and refine your skill set.

    Congratulations on your milestone, be careful and be gentle on yourself.

  5. I cannot believe you can do it without reading Andrew Carr first. I do find out you read it after your first 90 days. Ya boredom is pretty tough. Or maybe it is anxiety in boredom. Being with people isn't enough for me. I need a support system to reinforce some new habits and take supplements such as 5HTP and fish oil to stay at peace.