Wednesday, May 7, 2014

My sobriety is a rich gift..

Sometimes I'm actually thankful for having a drinking problem because overcoming it has led me through an amazing transformation… and given me the rich gift of living a life in recovery.

Like, if I'd always lived authentically and wholly and with emotional-honestly, maybe being like that now wouldn't thrill me as much as it does. But because living this way is in such marked contrast to the way I used to live (kind of dulled and unaware and removed from the real guts of life) I am unbelievably grateful for it.

I'm still shocked at how I didn't realise how much the wine was shafting me when I was drinking it all the time. I didn't choose to be in denial.. I just really genuinely was in denial about what my steady, heavy drinking was doing to my life.

But now that I do realise that... and have experienced a massive turnaround… I am constantly in awe of my wonderful sober way of experiencing the world.

So even when I'm in a horrible shitty grump like I was last Friday night.. grumping loudly to everyone who would listen (well.. readers of this blog and Mr D I suppose).. grumping off to bed early and just generally grumpily grumping.. I am thinking to myself "I LOVE the fact that there is no hiding from myself. I LOVE that I know exactly why I'm grumpy. I LOVE that I'm not avoiding the grumpiness. I LOVE that I'm not confused by the grumpiness because I'm avoiding it with a bottle or more of wine. I LOVE BEING SOBER!!"

Yes.. that's what I was thinking while I was in the middle of a shitty grump.

Here's a few other things I love about being sober.

I love that I keep waking up in the morning and going 'whoa.. another eight hours sleep just like that!'.

I love that when I meet other people in recovery there is a beautiful rawness and realness so present in them that, even if they don't share their truths with me, I feel proud, respectful of, and connected to them.

I love that my recycling bin is empty when I put it out on recycling day. I'm still ridiculously chuffed about that.

I love going to concerts sober. OMG Arctic Monkeys! What a fucking awesome concert!!!!!

I love driving home after a night out. Never gets old that one.

I love that I take much more time to really appreciate the small lovely things in my life, like the sensation of putting on a onesie (go and buy a onesie and put it on.. then you will appreciate the wonderment of a onesie).

But mostly I just love that I'm not a slave any more to a substance that cost lots of money, messed with my brain and cluttered up my life.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. Sober sleep is the best thing ever, and going to bed early is the best cure for just about everything. I'm really worried about the idea of thinking I'm perpetually in recovery though, I would like to think that one day I'll actually be better. At the moment, no. In fact I do deals with myself "when you're 70 you're allowed to be a drunk again"... then I remember that hopefully my daughter will be grown and happy and successful and will want to be my friend and will probably care a bit if I'm suddenly a gin-sodden old bat... I quit smoking though, years ago, and I think about smoking so rarely that I wouldn't consider myself in recovery from that, so eventually it must just become part of my past, no?

  2. I have been experimenting with being sober for 6 weeks- a few slip ups and ready to go the whole hog Everything you write has resonated so well with me. Being sober is a joy, not a sacrifice. i LOVE your blog. Thanks!

  3. Such a great and grateful post Mrs D!

    You are so right - I don't have to worry about picking my daughter up if she is out somewhere - I'll be sober. I don't have to wonder what is up with me - I generally know or at least have a clear head to start figuring it out. I love that I can do simple things I once used to find so annoying... I love that the cheque account balances in minute each month - because there are unaccounted withdrawals or cheques I must have cashed over a bar!

  4. You've inspired me to write a Sober Love List on my blog, it's a good reminder of why we keep on truckin' down the sober highway. Here's a preview of my list, just a few teasers.
    I love having a life after 7:30 pm.
    I love having a life before 5:00 pm, or whatever time I decided to start drinking to combat my hangover.
    I love having a life.
    I love sober sex. To be continued...

  5. Mrs. D, I loved that post! You hit the nail on the head about knowing why you are grumpy, not wondering if your grumpiness is justified. The brain gets so befuddled after night after night of getting sozzled that we really don't know what's up or down. Just having clear thoughts and a decent memory is a gift in itself. Thanks for your intelligent words, Mrs. D

  6. I am *so* proud of my recycle bin these days :) No longer the bin of shame! x

  7. I too am ridiculously chuffed about the recycle bin! It never gets old. The truck still stops right outside our house and tips its load into the hopper, and I sit there and think "Not one of those bottles is mine! Awesome!" And on a more serious note, I'm also loving getting to know a new booze free me, who's got no place to hide. Thank goodness, she's so much more interesting and lovely and fun to be with than numb drunk me ever was. Sober is so much better, in every way.

  8. It's so much simpler isn't it? Not boring just simple :) xx

  9. Excellent post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thoughts.The true nature of addiction is hard o comprehend at times and the need for escapism kept me trapped in a downward spiral. It was mental illness that drove me to use and abuse alcohol. I am to steal a phrase a soldier of recovery over twenty years now (truly blessed) but there was a time in my life I didn't have a choice. I had to use and abuse alcohol or I would have topped myself. However, I could not do it without A.A.

    True, it's sad that some of us have to die in order for the rest of us to live. Addiction is a choice today thank God i know this now. It wasn't always like that for me or my family. My father, mother and older brother have all died from alcoholism. My father was sober in A.A. for 11 months and lifted the first drink at a wedding. That day he died (alcoholic poisoning) at the ripe old age of 41. I have a brother who is wheel chair bound because of his alcoholism and will quite possibly die from the disease very soon .I have a younger brother who is also a practicing alcoholic who no doubt may die if he continues. None of these people decided to become addicts. I'm sure it wasn't their chosen career path.

    Nonetheless they have and are destroying their lives with this deep seated insidious disease. As you have rightly pointed out no one chooses this as a way of live. Who in their right would? Addiction is horrendous, degrading, humiliating, shameful and disgustingly powerful. With out help it is too much for us! Thanks for brightening my day with a wonderful, insightful post.

    Check out this recovery blog please loads of helpful recovery stuff:


  10. Thanx Mrs D! I felt grumpy myself, being on a short city trip to London, with husband drinking large pints of beer in cosy pubs. Me, drinking too much sweet things I never drink and not really like. Normally I don't care when he drinks but for some reason it irritated me a lot now. So I read your grumpy post and this one and am smiling now, having grumped of to bed early to read some badly needed sober blogs. Me, drinking and feeling grupmy would surely have meant a row, feeling sorry & hungover in the morning. Now it's going to be fine. It is already ;-)
    Nuchter Maya

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