It's funny how this sobriety journey of mine is playing out. I'm sure it must read in pretty typical fashion, these words of mine on a screen. The early days of fear and fight, the highly emotional phases, the pink clouds, the introspection, the revelations coming one after another.
All so cliched I'm sure. But what is really hard to convey in letters and words and the odd bit of punctuation and syntax is the real gut renching emotions that accompany each stage and step along the way. But all this blog can offer me is words on a screen so I'll type them down and hopefully reading it back I'll forever be reminded about the pure release that this particular revelatory moment gave me.
We were on our camping holiday heading up to the tip-top point of New Zealand to look out to where the Tasman Sea meets the Pacific Ocean. Mr D was driving, the boys were all slumbering in the back and I was staring out the window at the beautiful countryside rolling by (green grass, sheep and cows, light rain).
I was thinking about not drinking, I was thinking about my past, I was thinking about my future and suddenly it felt like a door opened inside me and some sort of light, or a rush of endorphins or a turning of my stomach or something happened and the thought came to me. I am an alcoholic.
It was amazing. This is annoying to write because the words don't do justice to the feeling but believe me, it was amazing. I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. There were tears rolling down my cheeks. It was quite remarkable actually. A real release. A total freedom.
My name is Mrs D and I am an alcoholic.