I just used to drink a lot. That's all. I used to drink a lot and now I don't.
Is it hard sometimes? Yeah it's hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for myself that I can't have a drink. But I don't mind too much really. Sometimes it's a bummer that if I'm feeling low or bored or frustrated or excited I can't drink alcohol to escape/avoid/enhance or whatever the fuck alcohol does. But is that feeling enough to make me want to start drinking again? No way Hosea.
What's different now? Now overall I feel much calmer and more grounded. Sometimes it feels like a sadness, and I had to get used to that as it's not something I used to let myself feel a lot. Sometimes I'm just tired from the kids and bored from the kids and it's Tuesday and I would normally drink a bottle (and possibly a bit more) of wine but now I don't and .. it's fine. I know that I'm just tired and bored from the kids because they're tiring and it can be boring looking after kids sometimes and alcohol isn't going to do anything constructive about that. It's just a fact and getting through the 5-7pm hours without drinking lots of wine is entirely possible and much much better for all involved.
Then Wednesday morning comes around and I wake up feeling fresh and so so happy and so so proud.
That's the other thing. I feel very happy and comfortable with myself now that I have removed alcohol from my life. In some quiet way I feel quite 'cool' that I've done something so strong and brave, and I know that a lot of the people close to me think I'm pretty amazing for having done that too. So that's a good feeling.
But then I have that other feeling, that 'woe is me' feeling tinged with a bit of shame for past excesses so that balances out the pride and stops me getting too big for my boots.
I just used to drink a lot, and now I don't any more. I am living sober, have been for nearly five months now, and it's fine.
Love, Mrs D xxx