I just used to drink a lot. That's all. I used to drink a lot and now I don't.
Is it hard sometimes? Yeah it's hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for myself that I can't have a drink. But I don't mind too much really. Sometimes it's a bummer that if I'm feeling low or bored or frustrated or excited I can't drink alcohol to escape/avoid/enhance or whatever the fuck alcohol does. But is that feeling enough to make me want to start drinking again? No way Hosea.
What's different now? Now overall I feel much calmer and more grounded. Sometimes it feels like a sadness, and I had to get used to that as it's not something I used to let myself feel a lot. Sometimes I'm just tired from the kids and bored from the kids and it's Tuesday and I would normally drink a bottle (and possibly a bit more) of wine but now I don't and .. it's fine. I know that I'm just tired and bored from the kids because they're tiring and it can be boring looking after kids sometimes and alcohol isn't going to do anything constructive about that. It's just a fact and getting through the 5-7pm hours without drinking lots of wine is entirely possible and much much better for all involved.
Then Wednesday morning comes around and I wake up feeling fresh and so so happy and so so proud.
That's the other thing. I feel very happy and comfortable with myself now that I have removed alcohol from my life. In some quiet way I feel quite 'cool' that I've done something so strong and brave, and I know that a lot of the people close to me think I'm pretty amazing for having done that too. So that's a good feeling.
But then I have that other feeling, that 'woe is me' feeling tinged with a bit of shame for past excesses so that balances out the pride and stops me getting too big for my boots.
I just used to drink a lot, and now I don't any more. I am living sober, have been for nearly five months now, and it's fine.
Love, Mrs D xxx
TheNoiseandHaste here. I so relate to what you describe. The "sadness." I am hoping that this is some kind of in-between place that people new to sobriety have to navigate for a while before we find new joys and interests and pursuits. I am told by those with more time that we will -- find and feel these new things.
ReplyDeleteI've felt the edges of joy in sobriety, when it seemed that the long slog might be paying off with new friendships, etc. And I've suffered disappointment when some of those new connection turned out to be shallow and not very fulfilling. Still, I do believe I'll wake up one day and realize my life has become full of all kinds of little joys without my even realizing it...
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ReplyDeleteIt is like a quiet sadness isn't it. There's a tinge of something else too, something I can't really put a name to. I think you are probably right in that it could be the feeling you were supposed to feel in your natural, unadulterated state. When you get so used to changing it, that feeling becomes a foreign country.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the hardest thing is learning to just sit with that feeling. Not trying to do anything with it or take it anywhere, but accepting it as it is. It's not easy of course, it feels drawn out, malingering, like something being painstakingly squeezed. But you embrace it, and then you move on to the next part of your day. You are much more than the stranglehold alcohol is. You are doing great, and you are right, you will be fine :)
That darn complicated brain of ours, it's like it refuses to forget the goodie feeling that alcohol used to provide.
ReplyDeleteMy last homework by my therapist was for me to list the expectations that I had on alcohol and its effects (like, it made me incredibly happy and helped me to almost completely repress anxiety). And then to write down what possibilities that I had to replace the alcohol in these situations. It was a very good exercise that made me aware of what I miss from when I drank and how I can conjure similar emotions without drinking.
All the best, mrs D! *hugs*
Good and bad together. Bitter & sweet. Both are true. You have gained a lot and yet you have given something up. Sounds like the loss is REALLY worth all you have gained and et your feeling a little sadness and a little "missing" makes tons of sense to me.
ReplyDeleteYou lay it out so calmly and clearly, Mrs. D. Sobriety is what it is and it's just that simple. How can anyone newer to sobriety (like me) read it and not smile at it's simplicity.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this!