I'm tired because I've been staying up every evening transcribing interviews for my Masters research and when I get to bed my brain is fizzing and it's hard to drop off and then the kids keep waking me up ridiculously early. So I've got that weary-behind-the-eyes feeling and it's reminding me a little of what I used to feel like all the time.
I think I've actually forgotten what a hangover used to feel like. Hangovers were almost a normal state for me. Now I'm feeling tired I can remember the feeling of dragging my sorry ass through the day hungover. Most of the time now I get up full of energy and fresh without reaching automatically for some panadol and a big mug of instant coffee. I must remember to appreciate this....
I had a few thoughts in the afternoon yesterday that it would be nice to have a drink given it was Friday night. You know, I actually wanted to bend my brain a little. Coz that would be fun, just doing a little brain bending. I was sitting outside a vege shop late in the afternoon as Mr D ran in to get some mushrooms and over the road was a SuperLiquor and the cars were pulling in and pulling out, pulling in and pulling out. And people were trotting in and trotting out with their boxes of beer or plastic bags with who knows what.
And I was watching, aware that I'd wanted some of that brain bending liquid just earlier, thinking Man our society condones brain bending. Human beings want to bend their brains and we just do that all the time openly and whole heartily. Friday night and there were all those people in that little store, one of millions around our country, trotting in and trotting out to get their brain bending liquid.
Later in the night we were sitting around at friends, the kids snuggled up watching tele and us adults were playing cards and drinking. Red wine for everyone but me, I'd bought a couple of little bottles to drink on the way over. A Lemon, Lime & Bitters and something called a 'Peachee' which I'd grabbed on a whim. It was bright orange peach juice made by a trendy drinks company. Late in the evening I poured it into my wine glass (still don't want to have stem withdrawals so I drink from wine glasses a lot) and Mr D asked for a sip to try it. He had one then commented 'Hhhmm, bit boring. Be better with a shot of vodka in it', there was a pause and then he PATTED ME CONDESCENDINGLY ON THE SHOULDER.
Ok sorry about those caps there but ... what the hell??!! I was a bit flummoxed and blurted out 'don't give me pity! Don't pat me condescendingly on the shoulder!' and everyone sort of laughed a bit but I think Mr D was a bit shocked (at me or him I'm not sure) and he said 'Come on, I can do that with you' and he was meaning 'come on we're not like that' and I could see in his eyes what he meant, that we're always cool, and we are, so I laughed and forgot about it.
Until this morning in bed when I remembered and started to feel a bit miffed but then I was like oh bloody hell I can't be too precious, we're very close to these people and maybe getting to a place where we can laugh and tease about it means it's becoming even more normal. I just have to not care.
And then I also remembered that a bit earlier I'd made a joke that the more they all drank the worse their card playing got and I was still sharp as a tack and going to keep winning. So the tone was set by me.
Obviously still navigating this new sobriety landscape of mine. And about those thoughts earlier in the afternoon about wanting to bend my brain. They were thoughts, not cravings. I listened to them, analyzed them, acknowledged them and dismissed them. Eventually they'll get the message and go.
Love, Mrs D xxx