Hello insomnia my old friend....

(Sung to the tune of The Sounds of Silence).

It really is remarkable how different it is to live life when there is no escaping your emotions.  Every feeling that I have, big or small, is so sharp and real.  What's most interesting is that I didn't realise how I was experiencing feelings less acutely when I was constantly dulling them with wine. 

I don't want to entirely dismiss my life that went before as being bland and unemotional.  I did lead a happy life with some emotional highs and lows, yet there is no denying the fact that now I have taken away the wine and am living sober I feel way more present.  Here's some more cliched descriptions for how I feel now ... clearer, connected, participating fully. 

I look at these words now and they do just read in such a cliched manner, and I bet there's people reading this and those descriptors will be washing over them because it all been said before so many times it's become bland.  And I know from my own recent memory (of before I got sober just over 7 months ago) I had no idea what was meant.  I can remember wondering if clearer meant your eyes weren't blurry any more from being tired and hungover.  Seriously!

But believe me, the feeling that I have in my head and my heart as I move around my life is quite revelatory.  I now know that clearer means having a better understanding of things.  Even the sad emotions, or anger, are ok to feel because they're real. Being emotional is real and it's good.  I think I spent too long trying to squash down emotions, hide them, be happy chirpy person all the time and that's just not real.  Sorry but my friends are going to get crying Mrs D a lot more now.

And especially now.  I really am sad to be leaving our life here and I'm fully grieving already and we've only told a small group of family so far.  I was crying when I wrote an email to my sister-in-law with details about the move.  But as I said to Mr D, you can't be a real person and make real connections with people and then not feel sad to be leaving them.

I'm so bloody emotional I cried watching the judges save Jessica Sanchez on American Idol!  And I cried when Tim Gunn cried saying goodbye to a contestant on Project Runway (I've already admitted on here that I'm a Reality TV addict).  I even cried at 4am this morning lying awake in bed imagining telling some of my neighbourhood friends.  That's all to come this week.

In the meantime I have my trusty red clipboard back in operation and am filling it with phone numbers, to-do lists and costings.  First item on my shopping agenda - a bloody expensive Jo Malone scented candle!!!  Well I need something to keep me calm if I don't have my normal stress-reliever-in-a-glass handy!!

Love, Mrs D xxx