Monday, December 10, 2012

So is this heaven?

So now I've left my personal hell behind, where am I? Am I in heaven?

Not sure. What I am, is sober all the time. Sober. All the time.

Yesterday we hosted a lovely christmas party/farewell for friends. 15 kids, 13 adults. Our house. Nibbles, drinks, pizza. Secret Santa (Mr D donned the suit!). Lolly scramble. Chatting, laughing fun.

I felt a bit flat. Sorry to say that but I did. Is it because I wasn't drinking? Maybe. Is it because I was tired from writing lots of my thesis all weekend? Possibly. But I think it was more to do with the fact that I was sober. Again.

Sober all the time.

So yeah... I love being out of my personal hell. I love not having hangovers and not having guilt and not feeling sick in my guts and sick in my head. I love respecting myself and feeling strong and healthy. I love that my skin is clear and I love that people think I'm amazing and strong. I love that I don't buy wine all the time and guzzle it like it's about to disappear from the earth forever. I love that I don't think about wine constantly and I love that I feel really in touch with my emotions. I love my blog and the online community that I have discovered and I'd have none of that if I hadn't decided to go sober and start writing about what I'm feeling to try and make sure I can stick to my resolve. I love all of that.

The flipside is, I am sober. All the time.

That's a fact.

Sober me.


It's ok. Really it is. It's just a fact. It's just the way it has to be. So yesterday, yes, I did feel a bit flat. It was a party and other people were drinking. Wine! Beer! Whiskey! (yes the whiskey did come out towards the end canyoubelieveit?!). And I stayed sober. Sober Mrs D.

Is this heaven? Not sure. Whatever it is, it sure beats hell.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. I know, I know. I went to a party the other night and do you think people were flocking to my table? Hell, no. Who wants to hang around with a party pooper?

    I propose that we wallow in this and bitch and moan until the New Year and then no more until next Christmas.

  2. I love you just the way you are . . . Sober. Sober Mrs D! Much love to you x

  3. Its hard to learn a new way to live in the midst of the old way. But you are strong because you are doing it. Flat days happen to everyone....drinkers or not.

  4. timely. I was just telling the hubs on Friday night that this Christmas is...different. My first two sober I was just trying to stay that way. I was hyper aware of everything and everyone and I felt...flat (that's a great word Mrs. D).

    This is the first year that I feel...whole? Not sure what the word is or how to describe it but for me it's...whole. Like nothing is missing and I'm okay just the way I am.

    Craving are still here but they don't make me sad anymore. Angry sometimes, but not sad because I no long feel like I'm missing anything. Does that make sense?

    Anyway, yes this is heaven and yes, it sure beats the hell out of hell but unlike hell, that just keeps getting worse, heaven just keeps getting better.


  5. Oh yes, I feel this too at times, parties especially. Maybe it will feel different one day, or maybe we don't feel those highs anymore and will always notice. Probably a little of both. I'm sure your tiredeness from working on your thesis affected your mood too. I believe gratitude towards what we have as much as what we don't have to deal with anymore helps those flat moments pass more quickly and smoothly.

  6. Hi Mrs D! I have caught up on your amazing and inspiring and thought provoking blog! As I just read the private hell post and now this one....a thought came to me when I thought about the differences of the two. My thought is that maybe flat isn't flat - perhaps its PEACE. All the chaos we had while drinking is gone and we can just relax and enjoy each moment of the day and of every party. Reading your last post reminded me of my life with alcohol and I remembered the anxiety of trying to keep all the balls in the air and not reveal my secret. But now we have peace and I enjoy every moment of it. Peace is a very good thing! I feel blessed to be a part of this group. Bless you all.

  7. S.O.B.E.R. : Son of a Bitch, Everything's Real!

  8. Thanks Mrs D and the other Mrs D. I was thinking purgatory which is much better than hell, but still life with it's ups and downs. Like in purgatory, if it exists, there is a sense of waiting. What are we really here for anyway? There's sense at times of wanting to go back and another sense that is hopefully stronger, of wanting to move forward. I think heaven, and peace is ultimately what we strive for, and our destination.
    Becoming sober is one step on that journey. And yes, other Mrs D, I agree that the moments like that when we feel flat, in a sense I too believe it is a glimmer at peace and if we choose to open our arms wide open to it, we can have it more and more and the flatness will seem more positive. It only feels negative because we feel like we are missing, like we are missing an old sense of ourselves. But that's OLD, and not not happy and not where we want to do. Let's make peace and heaven our destination. We don't get there overnight though, so let's allow purgatory to teach us the lessons we need to learn. There is some excitement in that too I reckon. Love and light x

  9. i quit drinking once for 6 months just to prove i could. i was a little surprised that i wasn't happier. At that time, i had the feeling that sobriety was just the absence of sickness.

    This time around, i'm in a recovery program and that has made all the difference for me personally. Things aren't always rosy, but i have the feeling i'm addressing more than just the boozing, but the other issues related to that as well.

    Keep hanging in there...It gets better!

  10. I have the great fortune of not having to attend any holiday parties in this 10th month of my sobriety. Good job staying sober through it. :)