One year ago today...

I can't believe it actually. It is one year ago today since I went on the tele and outed myself as an alcoholic in recovery. One year ago since I cried reliving my last drinking days. One year ago since I came out publicly from behind my safe 'Mrs D' moniker and revealed my true, full identity. One whole year.

I made the decision to go public months before this TV outing when I contacted a publisher about writing a book. I knew that if I got a book deal I would publish as 'Lotta Dann' and not Mrs D.. and in doing so my cloak of anonymity would be thrown off. I was prepared for that, so that when the publishers said yes, it felt ok.

But boy did things take a massive turn when TVNZ's Sunday programme decided to do a piece on me and my book. I knew this would blow things wide open. This is New Zealand's most watched television show. Sunday night prime time current affairs. Holy Shit......

So yeah, I was nervous as all hell about doing it, but also quietly strong and determined. I told myself that it didn't matter what anyone thought or said, it just mattered that others who might be locked in a boozy hell-hole could see that they're not alone. My friend Sue was also asked to take part in the piece - it was also a big decision for her to go public. You can read her reflection on the process here.

Filming took four days. The crew were lovely but it was exhausting and extremely emotionally draining. On the day they packed up and left I took to my bed at 3pm with a pit of anxiety in my chest. I felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed. But I trusted that they would do a good job, and I kept firmly in mind the main reason why I was doing this - to let others know that there is a way out of the hell of addiction.

Today one year ago Mr D was in America for work and my mum was up staying to help with the kids and offer me emotional support. We went ten-pin bowling in the afternoon to keep ourselves occupied. We were nervous!

Close to the time of the show airing we all got our onesies on and gathered in the living room with drinks and nibbles. Then it aired....

You can watch it here.

The reaction was swift and immense. Holy shitballs-a-rama. I was inundated with emails, text messages, Twitter and Facebook messages, and phone calls. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people reached to me out and most of them were strangers saying 'I'm just like you'. I'm not exaggerating. Hundreds. It was an amazing response and the ripples continue to this day.

Since then I've done numerous media appearances, many public speaking events and have launched a community recovery website that has thousands of members. A few Living Sober members are today celebrating their one-year soberversary because when they saw me on the tele they decided to stop the boozy madness as well.

Going public with my drinking problem is one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was worth doing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Whole30 again...

I'm halfway through another Whole30. Strict as fuck eating regime that is hell but does wonders. Mr D is doing it with me. We were both stuck in eating ruts and not feeling good so what's a girl who can't moderate to do...? A strict as fuck eating regime for 30 days - that's what!

This morning I had a Kiwi-Banana Breakfast Mocktail followed by a two-egg omelet with bacon. For lunch I have just had a scotch egg. Dinner tonight is a chicken curry with heaps of veggies in it (everyone else can have rice and roti bread, we'll just have lots of curry). I might snack on some cashew nuts this afternoon or a beer stick. Maybe have a mandarin when I have my nightly cup of chamomile tea. It's not too hard really.

I've had some serious moments of being completely over it but will persevere because I am feeling good (or at least I'm not feeling gross and down about my foods, or moody because sugar is playing havoc with my emotional equilibrium) and also because hopefully I'll lose a bit of weight (not that I'm too worried about that but it's always a bonus). And also it is forcing us to eat a lot more veggies and also for Mr D he's finding some great healthy food options for his lunch around where he works.

I have to be honest and say there was one night I cheated. I had to go to a 'Pudding Club' that I've been invited to join by some local ladies. This was the inaugural meeting at someone's house (we're going to take turns hosting monthly and serving a delicious pudding) and of course I couldn't go along and say like some foodie weirdo "sorry but I'm on a super-restrictive food regime so can't eat your sticky date pudding with toffee sauce...!"

So I ate it even though I felt bummed out about having a 'cheat' night during the Whole30. But it was delicious - DELICIOUS! - and a lovely fun chatty night.

Didn't matter that I didn't drink alcohol even though everyone else was.

Doesn't matter any more that I don't drink alcohol.

I just don't drink alcohol. That's me nowadays. That's how I roll, and I'm happy with that.

Have had another column posted on Addiction.com - this is a regular monthly gig for me now and I'm very proud to be included as one of their 'Expert Bloggers'. All my other work is busy but I am achieving a much better balance between work time and non-work time at home (probably an on-going dilemma for anyone working from home), am making fewer appointments during the week days so I don't end up feeling stretched and am still not taking my iPad into the bedroom which is a great little habit to have broken!

Sober life is good. It's not perfect, but it's a damn sight better than my boozy life.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Dr Phil love...

Lots of lovely concerned comments and messages! Thanks everyone. I am getting better.

I've had a very lovely restful week and my health is improving. I've taken steps towards 'unplugging' and have a new rule to not take the iPad into the bedroom at night. So I won't be checking on the Living Sober website last thing at night or first thing in the morning any more (or at least I will but in the study or living room before I go to bed or after I get up). This is a good little shift for me.

I still have to check the website regularly because our Members Feed area is constantly updating and I like to stay abreast of what people are saying - and I love it! It's my job, one I am very happy and proud to have. Actually I'm bloody lucky that my personal interest (sobriety) is now my job. But I do think some clearer lines between on duty/off duty would be good and hence my bedroom is now a no-go zone for work. Hooray!

I was watching Dr Phil yesterday (because I love him) and he was interviewing an addicted girl and her parents. Lots of fighting and awfulness but Dr Phil was strong and feisty with all parties and of course ended the show by offering to get her back into treatment (I assume the show pays?) so the hope is always there. He said at one point 'The reason I agreed to have you back on the show is because I believe we should NEVER surrender to this disease". The 'disease' being one of addiction I presume.

Love that man.

He finished up by asking the girl (daughter) if she wanted to go back into treatment and she said in a semi-lacklustre fashion (because the poor thing was in a pretty miserable state) "yes that's why I'm here". He nodded and then he summarised the four 'stages of motivation' people can be at when they enter into recovery. I'll try and remember what he said and will hopefully get this right...

Stage 1: You are ordered into treatment by the court
Stage 2: You agree to go into treatment because your family are desperate for you to/to please other people
Stage 3: You go into treatment because your head tells you it's the right thing to do
Stage 4: You go into treatment because you absolutely do not want to live this way any more and you will do anything, no matter how hard it is, to get well again (he said this last bit really forcefully hence my underlining).

Made me think about my recovery. I think on September 6, 2011 my motivation was at Stage 4. Maybe this is why I have never relapsed. I was FULL SCALE motivated and determined to not live in the stuck & miserable position I had been in for so many years with my drinking.

When I made the decision to never drink again I thought to myself; "I don't care if people give me shit. I don't care if I feel miserable about this sometimes. I don't care if I feel boring or left out sometimes. I don't care if other people judge me for not drinking. I don't care if I have to go to bed time and again feeling like a boring sober loser. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I just want this to change. I absolutely do not want to live this way any more and I will do anything, no matter how hard it is, to get well again.

And I have done.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Trigger weekend...

I just wrote a post over at my other blog (here) about how I am very tired and worn-out and not well physically and mentally need to do some work to sort myself out.. part of what I wrote was needing to relax a bit on the busy-work-stuff ... and here I am still sitting at the computer bashing out another blog post!!!

But this is my original lovely blog and I don't want to neglect it and this is the place where I come to feel good about my sober life because even though I have a good number of sober days up my sleeve (1364 to be precise!) I never want to take my recovery for granted.

I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful to never touch alcohol ever. I am grateful that I turned my life around.

Went away this past weekend with my three lovely boys - no Mr D - and I was thinking while I was away that this weekend was really ONE BIG TRIGGER ... and one during which I would usually drink LOTS more than usual.

1) Mr D was away. Usually I always drank when he was away or out, to sort of 'have a party for myself' or something. I know from following along a lot of other people's sobriety journeys that this is very common. Our other halves go away and it's an excuse to drink more. Loneliness? Or just freedom to drink heavily without being judged? Neither for me any more...

2) Away from home. Always another big trigger. A special occasion! Get the treats in! Of course the biggest 'treat' would always be some fancy red wine or bubbles or even a cocktail of sorts. Not for me baby.. I found a nice unusual non-alcoholic drink at the supermarket on the way to the holiday house and had 3 mini bottles of it over the course of the weekend. And of course I travelled with my favourite treaty chamomile tea bags to have in the evening (Harney & Sons brand). I know how to look after myself when I travel. I ALWAYS travel with my favourite tea bags.

So yay me. I am a brave sober warrior. I am a hard working woman who still needs to work on getting the work/life balance right but at least I have one big fat fabulous fact in my corner.

I DON'T TOUCH ALCOHOL EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now if you'll excuse me I have pyjamas to put on and a sofa to lie on......

Love, Mrs D xxx

No temporary relief ever again...

Everything's fine. I'm doing ok on my goals list from my last post. Gym semi-regularly, have been making green juices, reading books again (an amazing memoir called 'Fish Pie is Worse Than Cancer'  about how the author coped when her husband got cancer), relationships all smoothly running in the family, my diet is pretty good (resisting the sugar witch).. yadda yadda.

I'm still settling into my new sober skin and learning new coping mechanisms daily. Have been working on a new series of posts for Living Sober called 'Sober Story' which recounts the recovery journeys of people in long-term recovery. Some are around the same stage as me (3-4 years sober) but some are YEARS ahead (like Shane here who has 35 years under his belt). Gosh it's fascinating to hear from those long-timers. Makes me aware that my 3 1/2 sober years, while long and fabulous in one regard, is a drop in the ocean in terms of the big picture of my life.

I can't wait until I tip my life's balance into more years spent not drinking than drinking. When will that be? Let me figure it out.

0-15 didn't drink alcohol (15 years)
15 - 38 drank alcohol (23 years)

So I need 8 years of sobriety before I start tipping my life's balance into the sober side of things.

My last drink was September 5, 2011. That means from 6 September 2019 I will tipping my life's balance into the no-alcohol side of things. Oh happy day!

You know.. booze works. It takes us away momentarily from the stresses and strifes and woes and troubles and worries of everyday life. It works! But the problem is it's temporary. So actually it doesn't work in the slightest and all the stresses, strifes, woes, troubles and worries remain. In fact they get worse because drinking makes us tired and increases stress and anxiety and ruins relationships and stuff.

But yet that temporary relief is there. And it's appealing. Because who doesn't want to be temporarily taken away from all that stuff sometimes?

The trick for us people in getting sober is looking past that temporary relief to the bigger picture. And deciding to forgo that temporary relief forever more. It's hard work and unfair (in some respects).. but actually so deeply rewarding and smart.

And I'm very happy with my choice. Onwards towards 2019.......

Love, Mrs D xxx

Goals

1) I'm going to sort my eating out and not eat shit any more. Crappy foods badly affect my mental health (as I wrote in my other blog here). If I stick to a healthy diet I feel proud and strong AND my mood is more level. This is a no-brainer. I must stop looking at crap as 'treats' and start seeing it as 'toxic' (which it is for me). I am an alcoholic and my body chemistry is what it is. Also - because I have removed so much bad crap (sugar, alcohol, coffee).. when I put some of it back in (sugar mostly) I am far more negatively affected by it that I used to be. So my body is becoming a temple. Slowly. And hopefully my brain will catch up.

2) I'm going to remember to stay loving and open and kind and generous with all the people around me. Especially Mr D and our boys. Doing this makes all of us feel happier.

3) I'm going to start reading novels again and tip the balance back in favour of enriching activities - not just depleting ones (like endlessly checking my online sites).

4) I am going to go to the gym DEFINITELY two times a week, sometimes three if I can manage it.

5) I am going to keep working on providing warmth, encouragement and stimulating reading material to members of Living Sober and people who visit my various online sites (but not over-check them all day and remembering to do other things like read novels see above ha ha).

6) I am going to make myself a green juice at least once if not twice a week. They taste good but also I feel healthy and functional when I go through this process.

7) I am going to put little 'gratitude' notes in my gratitude bowl next to my desk every day. Gratitude works. Remember all the good things I have in my life and even the tough ones that teach me lessons.

8) I am going to keep looking forward, upwards and outwards. Not inward, backwards and downbeat (i.e. positive not negative)

9) I am going to remind myself that I am a good person who works hard and has done well, not just in getting sober but also in family & professional endeavours and give myself a mental pat on the back (especially when I am lying on the sofa watching crap TV playing Words With Friends on my iPad and not reading a novel ha ha)

10) I am going to make more lists because making lists is fun!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hey, Mrs D!

I received a comment on my last post. It reads: "Hey, Mrs D! I think it's awesome that you're able to stay sober and remain happy. Many of my friends think that soberness equals misery. Do you have any suggestions that I could give them to find happiness?"

I understand why your friends think like that because I did too.

I was hard wired to believe all these bullshit things about booze. That it was the best way to relax. That it was the best way to celebrate. That it was the best way to show that you are a good host. That it was the best way to bond with friends. That it was the best way to enjoy a wedding. That it was the best way to commiserate.

And so of course when I took the booze away I feared my life would become miserable and I would be a boring sober loser forever more. Of course I believed that because I gave alcohol so much goddamn power!!!!

I gave a stupid toxic liquid all the power to make my life rich and fulfilling and enjoyable and satisfying and meaningful and fun.

Now after 3+ years of living sober I think back to all the bullshit beliefs I had about alcohol, and I look back at all the power I gave that brain-bending shit, and I feel a bit ridiculous that I felt that way.

 Sober does not = misery. Sober just = not drinking alcohol.

Now when I have fun it's authentic fun that comes from a deep place within me. I'm happy because my friends are the right kind of people for me and they make me feel good. I'm relaxed because I'm not at work or I'm focusing on genuine things that trigger the pleasure receptors in my brain. I'm joyous because there's great music playing or I've heard some happy news or achieved a fulfilling milestone. I'm feeling loved-up because I'm surrounded by people I love.

Most of all I feel proud, strong, calm and happy. Did I mention genuine and authentic?

Sober does not = misery. Sober just = not drinking alcohol.

If anyone thinks any different they've clearly still got a bit of brain re-training to do! I've done this brain re-training, and I've turned my thinking completely around. It can be done. And I heartily recommend it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Count the very's in this post...

Today is a brilliant day to be sober!!!

The sun is shining strongly in my home town and I woke up feeling happy and optimistic .. a feeling that I always appreciate when it does come because not all days are like this.

Last night at 5pm I was stuck in some thinking loops and realised I was feeling teeny bit angsty & glum so I had to administer some sober first aid.

Comfy pants - tick. Oil burner on - tick. Nice drink - tick (a cup of yummy herbal tea, lemongrass & ginger). Feeling kindly toward myself for experiencing uncomfortable emotions - tick.

Also managed to NOT binge on any nasty sugar although I did have 3 mini packets of chippies.

Now after a great nights sleep I have woken up cheery! Just goes to show how feelings come and go.

It would be nice to  eliminate all tricky emotions but I know that is an impossible thing to wish for and we can't expect life to be like that.

Last night's mood made sense. I'd recently hugged Mr D goodbye - he's away overseas for 12 nights on a work trip. I hadn't had as many hours sleep as I'm used to. I'd had one work thing cancelled on me and attended a big meeting on another work thing.

None of this stuff is earth shattering .. but it's my stuff and it all affects my emotions.

Anyway I've just packed my boys off to school. I've got all morning to myself to do a bunch of things that have been playing on my mind (tax, dentist, glazier, electrician). I am listening to a playlist on Spotify my sister compiled of songs from our childhood (LOVE IT!!), the sun is beaming through the windows in my sunroom, I will also do a little bit of pottering in the garden and I am very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very happy to be sober.

Yes!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Peaks and troughs....

The longer I live sober the more I get to know my natural rhythms and flows. Ups and downs. Peaks and troughs.

I've just been away from home for 9 days.. busy busy family holiday with loads of other people around and very little (no) time to myself. Looking after the boys on my own mostly (Mr D was only with us for the first 3 nights), driving from place to place to place throughout the days, not getting my usual 8ish-hours of blissful sleep every night, harder to keep eating healthily, extended family matters taking up more brain-time than usual, lots of planning and negotiating activities.

I'm not complaining, it was a great holiday! Really stimulating and fun. Lovely reconnecting with a lot of my family. Fun being out of my usual routine and away from my house which I usually spend endless hours in. And the boys had a super-fun time with loads of activities and sleepovers and input from grandparents, aunties & uncles, cousins and friends.

It was all good.

But I KNEW that I would come home exhausted and I KNEW that after about 3 days at home I'd hit a bit of an emotional slump. I know now from having lived raw & sober for 3+ years that a big energy output like that I've just had on my holiday takes it out of me and I'll have a corresponding 'low' in the week following.

I know this and I was prepared for it.

So yesterday it hit and sure enough I felt exhausted, a bit low and itchy and irritable. I ate bad food. I surfed mindlessly on the computer too much (note to self: stay away from dailymail.co.uk!). I felt a bit blah.

{ha ha while I was writing this I just went over to the dailymail.co.uk and spent 10  minutes looking at crap paparazzi shots of celebrities. I MUST BREAK THIS ADDICTION!!! Mrs D is Going Without The Daily Mail starts NOW!!!}

Yesterday as 5pm approached I realised I was stuck in this emotional rut and needed to do something about it. Not something to avoid it and make it go away (like drink 5 glasses of wine). Something to just acknowledge that I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I needed to take care of me.

So I went to my bedroom and put my comfy pants on (comfy pants are my new 'glass of wine'. I wrote a post about that on Living Sober - here). I shut the curtain and turned on the lamps. I fizzed up a bottle of soda water using my SodaStream and poured it into a large goblet with ice cubes and lemon slices. I lit a scented candle.

These things sound trite and dumb but it was more about what was going on in my head. I was calm and gentle with myself. I was understanding myself and my rhythms. I was accepting my mood for what it was - it made sense to me and was ok. And I was being kind.

Nothing escalated with my internal feelings or behaviours with my family. I didn't freak out. I just went gently through the evening and then fell into bed and slept for NINE HOURS.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!! Try THAT with a belly full of wine!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still tired today but that's ok too. I know that it will take me quite a few days to get fully back to normal. I know that because I stay fully connected with myself now 100% of the time. I don't blur myself and make myself harder to understand. I am sober, alert & aware of my feelings 100% of the time, and now only after months and months of living this way am I really starting to reap the benefits.

And people still ask me if I miss drinking. Ha ha no way. All of these benefits - like greater self knowledge - they can't be quantified. They are immense and wonderful.

That's my experience anyway.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Easter!

Things are going well here for me in my housewifey sober life. I am busy - the whole family is - but it doesn't feel out of control.

I've been doing this mindfulness course through a great book and am blogging about it daily on my new blog called 'Mrs D Is Going Within'.

Maybe one day I'll start writing a blog called 'Mrs D Is Sugar Free' but I can't see that happening! I try hard to control sugar intake and manage to most of the time. Occasionally I have a binge (usually when I'm in a funk, no surprises there).. but I can recover from it pretty quickly.

If nothing else I am definitely very mindful about when I am going hard at the sugar! That's a step in the right direction isn't it?!

About to head away for our annual big extended family Easter holiday extravaganza in a remote isolated place. I'm really looking forward to it ... but it definitely does present as a wee bit of a challenge for me as I am the only sober person in the extended family. I've just written a long post about this on Living Sober. You can see it here.

But in general I am feeling calm and good.

I am still utterly delighted and grateful that I recognised booze was a problem for me and worked bloody hard to get it out of my life.

And I am still endlessly fascinated how things shift and change the longer I am sober. It was very noticeable to me after I reached 3 years in recovery that a new set of challenges were presenting themselves. I was starting to experience low-grade anxiety, found myself getting caught in thinking-loops about stuff that was tricky to navigate, and some of my parenting was less-than-calm.

Maybe this was because I wasn't so busy working on my sobriety. Maybe this was because parenting three boisterous boys would be challenging for even the best zen-master! Or maybe this was just something many of us develop in later life (and particularly women as menopause approaches).

I'll never know. But now I find myself delving into mindfulness meditation and it feels so bloody good.

I have a LONG way to go and a lot of practice to do but I'm committed.

Only sobriety would have bought me to this place. I'm grateful, I know Mr D is grateful, and without knowing it our sons are probably grateful too.

In my humble opinion there is nothing bad that can come from getting sober. And so much that is good.

Happy Easter and go easy on the chocolate!! I'm going to try to anyway...

Love, Mrs D xxx