Gentle calmness...

I feel tired today but not too bad. Pottering around getting things ready for Christmas. We have some relatives staying from tomorrow and are hosting Christmas Day dinner for 20-odd (including kids). I am roasting a ginormous turkey and doing some vege - others are bringing salads, pudding etc.

Looking forward to it and keeping on reminding myself that it is LOVE that matters not CLEAN BENCHES!!

Feeling gentle in my sobriety. Not endorphin-rush this is THE BEST WAY TO LIVE!!, nor sad and woe-is-me WHY AM I DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD?? Just quietly sober, quietly never touching alcohol ever. Quietly happy with the way my life is.

I'm alright.

Things are alright.

Actually maybe I lie. Maybe there is a little bit of elated joy inside me for being free from the booze trap.

I don't regret one percent being unable to moderate alcohol. I love being sober and the challenge it brings. I love the authenticity I am forced into experiencing because I never ever bend my brain or blur my reality.

Yeah - there's a little bit of endorphin-rush joy in there, bubbling below the surface.

In a very lovely, gentle, low-key, calm way.

Because that's what sobriety brings. Gentle calmness.

And that's what I'm feeling right now.

What a lucky lucky girl am I.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Gratitude and Love..

Here's a list of things I am grateful for and that I love..

I am grateful for my drinking problem because it has given me the rich gift of sobriety.

I love my husband and our three sons and our labrador puppy.

I am grateful to my brain for never settling for discomfort and always sending me messages that I need to work on things (like giving up drinking and stopping over-thinking).

I love my sobriety and I love my mindfulness practice. Both of these things have transformed my life.

I am grateful for all the fun times I have had partying in my life because they sure were fun! I am not grateful for the miserable boozing which dominated the end of my drinking career but I am grateful for the memories of those because they will help keep me sober.

I love pop music and fun gatherings and lovely friends and good books and comfy pants and scented candles and fresh flowers and holidays.

I am grateful for living in a safe society where we don't experience fear and misery on a daily basis (like many in the world do).

I love rambling around the hill trails above our house with our dog.

I am grateful for the online communities here on my blog, on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and at Living Sober. (I am giving away a free copy of my book on Facebook this week as a thank you to the growing community there!)

I love all the warmth and honesty and support that gets shared around these online spaces.

I am grateful for my health and my body which does a pretty fine job of containing my brain and moving me around my busy life.

I love soda water, lemons in anything, cheese of any sort, the green smoothie/juices that come out of my nutra ninja thingy, chips and dip, steak with dijon mustard, salads filled with herbs, and white chocolate/coconut ice/ginger crunch when I let myself have it.

I am grateful and I love many things.

Gratitude and love.

What more could you wish for in life?

Love, Mrs D xxx  

Ordinary sober housewifey life..

It's a good thing I'm walking the dog a lot because I am a piggy pig at the moment! Lots of lovely foody treats, but oh well... am not beating myself up too much about it. I can't be bloody perfect (nor do I want to be) so I will continue to have a robust and honest relationship with myself about my sugar and fat intake while allowing myself treats and forever attempting to moderate.

But no alcohol ever!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I can't quite believe that I've just stopped drinking alcohol and will never touch it ever again. But then I slip quickly back into the frame of mind that is well versed in why I have (stopped) and why I won't (ever touch it again).

The more time that goes on the more ordinary and comfortable it gets. Time really is a very kind mistress in terms of changing habits.

I've had a couple of drinking dreams recently but interestingly they haven't left me feeling unsettled like they used to. Drinking dreams have always been rather unnerving but nowadays they're not. Lately in these dreams I'm just telling someone that I don't drink or I'm in a scenario where I'm comfortably sober (it's enough of a feature of the dream that I'll call it a 'drinking dream' but really it's a 'sober dream'!) and I wake up aware that I had this dream but not out of sorts because of it.

FINALLY my subconscious is catching up with my reality.

Quite a bit going on for me socially at the moment - lots of evenings out and a few lunches - but I'm happy being more social than usual (seems like the right time of year for it) and I'm not worrying about my non-drinking status. It just is what it is, this is what I am, and none of my friends seem to care.

I think I'm still fun and interesting! I love that I can always drive myself home! I love that I sleep great every night! I love being sober!!

Mr D is away tonight and so is our middle boy (at a cubs tramp) so me and the other two are going to get Indian takeaways and I'll probably have a choc bar (delicious ice-cream) for pudding while lying on the sofa watching Dance Moms (awfully wonderful Reality TV).

But first I need to put the washing away, feed the dog, vacuum up all the crap off the living room floor, get into my comfy pants and pour myself a large soda water with lemon slices and ice.

Such is my ordinary sober housewifey life.

Love, Mrs D xxx

In praise of walking...

I took our dog for a big walk in the hills above my house yesterday. The weather was warm-ish but blustery and there were low clouds which made the whole area quite misty. We walked for 45 minutes along paths and unpaved roads, bumping into two people and one other dog along the way.

It was absolutely lovely and we are about to go and do it again.

I would not be going for a walk along the hill-line behind my house if I didn't have a dog. I absolutely would not. I have never been one to go walking just because a walk is a good idea. I will force myself to exercise but usually by going to the gym (not for a while but still paying the weekly membership!) or to a yoga class (every Tuesday night down at my local rec centre).

But I walk nowadays because we have a dog..... and I am so grateful for him because these walks really are lovely! I come home refreshed and alert and feeling good. And he absolutely loves them! He's like the most excited dog you have ever seen ... darting all around me as we walk along the paths.. sniffing here there and everywhere.. just so happy to be out in the big wide world walking along with me.

Getting this dog has been such a good idea. I have to tell myself this when he is chewing everything in sight, shedding his black hairs everywhere, and barking to wake us up at 6am! The kids love him so much and are so sweet with him. He makes our house feel even more like a home and most of all, he gets me out walking.

For our family's secret santa this year I am buying for my brother-in-law and he's asked for whisky. So this morning I went into the bottle store and asked the shop keeper for help. He showed me a few options and I said 'I don't drink so I've got no idea what to get but I like the colour of this bottle and the font they've used on the label so I'll get this one'.

I felt quietly cool for being such a casual non-drinker in the bottle store. Proud of myself for being so comfortable to state I don't drink. I didn't give a toss what the shop keeper thought of me (a boring wowser? an alcoholic in recovery? an alien from another planet?). Who cares. I was just me casually being a non drinker buying whisky for someone else.

Then I drove to the chemist and they had these mini breath test kits for sale up at the counter (blow in a straw and it will tell you if you're close to .05% breath alcohol limit). I asked if they were selling many and the chemist lady said 'not yet, we've only just got them in' and I then said 'lucky I don't have to worry about that any more!'. She laughed politely, probably wondering what I meant but I didn't say any more. I just smiled and paid for my items, then left.

Just me a casual non-drinker moving around my world comfortable with that fact.

The Silly Season is upon us (I wrote a 'Silly Season Survival Guide' at Living Sober) and I have a couple of lunches to go to but they won't be boozy affairs. I have turned down the opportunity to go to one big boozy party - too far to travel/too difficult with childcare - so Mr D is going alone. I had a dream about it so maybe deep down I am sad to be missing out and am still mourning my lost life. But I won't mourn for long. My boozy life was fun (until it wasn't) and now it's over and my sober life is in full flight. And it's pretty damn fine.

Now I better go take the dog up into the hills before he kills me with his sad eyes!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Ebbs and flows

Sorry to continue to be a bit down on it but once again I am thinking of so many people who are struggling right now. Today's theme seems to be narcissistic people who are having a major impact on friends of mine - whether it be their narcissistic mother or sister-in-law or friend... just nasty people who do their damnedest to cause pain in others.

I can see so clearly that the narcissistic (problematic might be a better word because who can diagnose narcissism?) person is hurting and is in pain - i.e. they're a broken person to be acting in such a cruel/uncaring way - and so I want to feel kindly towards that broken person, but when they cause so much pain by lashing out and manipulating, well it's hard to bloody think kindly towards them!!

Sometimes I just feel like the world is so full of pain - and now with what is happening overseas with France at war and all those horrible broken people acting despicably by taking innocent lives..

Sigh...

Actually me in my life I'm doing ok at the minute. I'm trucking on. Doing ok with my food and exercise (I'd give myself 78.3% on that score), remembering to act mindfully every day (gets easier the more you practice it) and keeping up with all my online work & writing & housework commitments.

I have been having strange fleeting (and I really do mean fleeting) sad thoughts about being a non-drinker for evermore. But I am pretty well versed at kicking those thoughts out of my brain quick-smart and not picking over them so that they build in strength.

I can only surmise that it's because I'm tired at the moment (this is a CRAZY busy term with the boys and I'm running around like a headless chicken most days) and that is why these woe-is-me thoughts are creeping in.

Truth is I KNOW that booze isn't going to make my life more fun. I KNOW that I am a million times happier now that I don't touch booze ever. I KNOW that everything booze promises to offer is a crock of shit. I KNOW that I am a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend now that I don't numb myself constantly. I KNOW that if I start drinking again .. well I shudder to think what my life would be like if I started drinking again.

I am NOT going to start drinking again - ok??!!

But the truth is that being in recovery means living RAW forever more and the reality of that is that you feel everything more keenly. Life ebbs and flows and you feel it all more keenly. You are just raw all the time. Raw, raw, raw.

I wouldn't want it any other way - honestly - but it is what it is. Life in all it's up and down glory. Pain and pleasure. Highs and lows. Ebbs and flows.

And now I'm going to go take the dog for a big walk along the hill line.

And I am going to enjoy his delight at being out in the wide open air.

And I am going to rejoice in all that is good in the world.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Pain pain pain

There's so much shitty pain everywhere all the time. I'm hearing of nasty in-laws hurting friends of mine, other people I know in floods of tears over interpersonal shit going down, other friends back drinking after long stints off, someone over here grieving their mother, someone over there grieving their lover, someone just discovering their husband is cheating - grief, betrayal, tensions, sadnesses, stresses...pain, pain everywhere.

IT'S HARD FUCKING WORK BEING A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!

Life is pain. But to deny that pain is suffering (or however the saying goes).

We have to feel the pain. Numbing it away DOESN'T WORK. It doesn't. Maybe in the sort term.. but not in any substantive way. We have to feel the pain. And if the pain is too awful to sit with then do something proper about it. See a doctor, see a therapist, make big changes in your life. Do something that will actually be beneficial in the long run.

But know that pain will come again. It always does. This is life. This is our crazy, messy, painful human life.

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit bossy and philosophical and waffly all at the same time. I'm just blurting this post out late on a Sunday night. I'm tired and I'm aware of all this stuff that is going on around me - I'm hearing it all via text messages and emails and the Members Feed at Living Sober.

I'm looking out my window at many, many houses in my neighbourhood and am so aware that so many of them are right now the vessels for human pain and suffering.

Life sucks shit sometimes. It blows. It hurts.

So what do we do? We look for the good. We revel in the minor triumphs. We focus on the lovely things. We take small steps in the right direction. We try to look after ourselves. We try to be brave and sit with the feelings. We know that emotions won't kill us. We know that things pass. We know that life has an ebb and flow and that pain comes in waves but so does happiness and contentment and ease. We hug our loved ones. We distract ourselves with music and novels and colouring-in books and gardening and TV and cooking and exercise and stuff that isn't about self-sabotage. We seek out the people that make us feel good, the people that we gel with, the people that care. We try to think positively or at least not repeat over and over the negative thoughts. We put our comfy pants on and crawl under a blanket on the sofa. We put the leash on the dog and go out for a walk. We look at the sky and we watch the clouds pass by. We imagine ourselves on a plane to exotic climates. We press on.

We have to.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Go the All Blacks!

I am surfing around the Internet looking for a recipe for a spicy halloween mocktail that I can make to share on the 'Drink of the Week' page at Living Sober and on my Facebook page. I've found something suitable for the spooky holiday but also perfect for early morning rugby watching. I will make it today to sample, photograph it and post online .. and then I will make it again at the crack of dawn on Sunday.

Because YES! New Zealand are in the Rugby World Cup final, our mighty All Blacks play Australia at 5am on Sunday morning (the tournament is being held on the other side of the world in England).

I am happy looking for the recipe, thinking about how I will adapt the ingredients to suit my tastes... planning on heading down to the supermarket shortly to get the ingredients.

I am nervous thinking about the game. I so hope we win because everyone in our lovely little country will be super-happy and excited if we do! And we love our team of brave rugby-playing men, they are super cool and incredibly talented and (if you don't mind me saying) they look totally hot in their foxy outfits!

I am comfortable knowing that I will be tired but not hungover in the wee small hours on Sunday morning as I drag myself out of bed to snuggle on the sofa and watch the game with the family.

I am very content with my sober life.

When I first got sober it was so hard to conceive of an alcohol-free life. 'When will it become normal?' I'd wonder. 'Will it ever become normal??!!' When will the obsession stop?' 'When will I stop thinking about not-drinking all the time?'

It took some time but eventually it did happen. The obsession stopped and I settled into my sober skin. Today I hardly evert think about the fact that I don't drink.

Ok - I write about my sobriety all the time because I have a blog and I run a community website dedicated to helping other people get sober! That is a fact. But outside of my writing time and mostly in my day-to-day life I do not think about the fact that I am sober.

I just 'am' sober.

It's ordinary.

It's not a big deal.

I don't crave booze. I don't wish I could drink. I just don't drink alcohol.

Far fucking out. Go back to my early posts - the ones in the really early days. How obsessed I was back then. And fast forward to now. Spicy mocktails, supermarket shopping, rugby games.. no hankering to drink. None.

That, my friends, is a good thing.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Numbers

I turned 44 last Tuesday and on Thursday I celebrated my 1500th day of sobriety.

What wonderful numbers ... what a week. I have to be honest I was more excited about the soberversary than the birthday (although the birthday was lovely and my family made me feel very special all day). Deep down inside though the 1500 days felt incredibly more pride-inducing.

I worked hard for those 1500 days.

I am very happy with the direction the second half of my life is taking. I am happy that I'm working hard to turn inwards and become a fully realised human being. I am happy that I am learning how to properly deal with my complicated and tricky human brain so that I am starting to glimpse true inner calm. (Glimpse - notice I am saying glimpse! Still a way to go.. and if you read my last post I did jinx myself slightly and have been a wee bit piggy and 'treaty' this past week! Oh well... progress not perfection!)

I'm also very happy with the first part of my life. I don't regret all the boozing, I don't regret the years I spent avoiding tough emotions, the years I spent desperately trying to act like everything was 'fine' all the time. I look back at my boozy self with affection. I was trying the only way I knew how to make the world seem ok, to make everything fun and lovely all the time. 

Only problem was, my method (regular alcohol consumption) was flawed. A quick fix - yes. But a long term stragegy? Nope.

Just a readily available liquid drug that mimicks true feelings of well-being while it is in your system. A readily available liquid drug that is addictive and progressive. A readily available liquid drug that when imbibed in heavy doses makes you feel like shit physically and shit emotionally.

Glad I've left that liquid drug behind.

I'm 44 years old and 1503 days sober. 

That looks pretty good to me.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Turning a corner finally..?

I don't want to jinx myself but I'm wondering whether maybe finally I have turned a wee corner with regards my food 'treats' and 'rewards' (which were actually crappy punishments). Mr D has been away for two whole weeks and it's the school holidays - usually this would send me into a spiral of boozing (prior to four years ago) or sugar/fat (last four years).. as I got tireder as the days went on I would fall farther into the hole of destructive behaviour which would have me feeling totally BLAH by the end of it.

But this time - one day to go! - I have made a real effort and have resisted falling into that hole. I've been having the odd bit of sugar, buttered toast or chips 'n dip but nothing crazy. And I'm feeling good! Tired but good.

The significant thing is that my inner voice.. my thought processes.. have changed. I haven't had to white knuckle/resist the crap .. my thoughts lately have been "that isn't yum, it will make me feel yukky" or "don't believe that's a treat, it's just a hunk of shit". This is a big difference from the "Mmmmm that is a big delicious treat that I deserve" that I used to always think. BIG DIFFERENCE.

It hasn't been hard. That's the significant shift. It's like I'm finally re-wiring myself to see those foods not as treats to be savoured but actually nasty crap that isn't my friend or good for me.

Maybe finally all the reading I've been doing about sugar and all the docos I've been watching on Netflix (Fed Up is really good) are finally getting inside my brain.

Like I say, I don't want to jinx myself.. but I can feel a subtle shift inside of me. Like I am evolving in this area. At long last!!!!!!!! There has been a subtle but noticeable shift.

I'll stay on top of this and will keep being honest. If I fall back into a hole of acting 'alcoholically' with my sugary/fatty foods and start up the same dysfunctional and isolating behaviours around them.. then I will fess up.

But for now I am proud of myself.

The free online Mindfulness Summit that I am partaking of and LOVING (and blogging about daily here) has also helped I'm sure.

Jeepers sometimes I can't believe who I am turning into!!!!!!!!!!!  But I don't care because it just makes me feel so good. Calm and connected and good. Loving my new sober life. Love, love, loving it. So, so, so, so pleased that I got sober. Can't say that enough. So, so, so, so pleased that I took that shit booze away.

Love, Mrs D xxx

With my tribe...

What an utterly amazing afternoon I had yesterday meeting up with a bunch of members of our amazing community website - Living Sober.

A number of the members from around New Zealand (and one from Australia!) had organised themselves to travel to central NZ where I live to hook up for the weekend. They organised their own flights and car rides... booked into the same motel where possible (some even sharing rooms!) and partook of a series of meals and get-togethers in cafes and restaurants.

I met up with them for a late lunch yesterday at a pub in town. They'd organised a private area and we came together for 3 hours.

I shared many warm hugs.

I shed many tears.

I heard many tales.

I listened to singing, poetry and prose.

I spoke briefly and answered many questions.

I had numerous moments when I paused mentally, looked around and really took stock of what was happening. Here I was sitting in a room full of people - most of whom I had never met in person before - and I felt incredibly comfortable and in the right place.

I felt like I was with my tribe.

The truth is my whole life I have been fiercely independent. I’ve never been what you could call a ‘joiner’. I didn’t play sports so I wasn’t in any teams. I never managed to stick at any music groups or anything like that. I didn’t do that many organised extra activities. I didn’t feel like I fitted in at high school... I always used to joke that I had ‘job commitment phobia’ because I would chop and change my jobs so often...and mentally I've always kept myself on the outer. I always felt like I was ‘pretending’ to be one of the gang – whether it be the 'cool kids'  gang at school or the TV journalists gang at work or whatever.

I've always felt in a bit of a bubble. Booze helped me maintain the bubble I think. It put a wall up between me and everything else. It helped me to not care - a self protection mechanism. If I don’t care about this group or this job or this whatever then if it goes it can’t hurt me.

I was always trying to stay one step ahead of things going.

Maybe this is why when I set about getting sober I embarked on it as a purely solo mission. Me in my bubble fixing myself. I don’t need anyone else. Fiercely independent me.

Little did I know that getting sober would finally lead to me finding my place. The group I belong to that I don't have to pretend that I feel a part of. My tribe. 

To be sitting in that room yesterday felt incredible. I felt at home. Really at home.

Love, Mrs D xxx