A special message from Sue..

Had a lovely lunch yesterday with my new sober friend Sue - we met through this blog after discovering we lived in the same city. Yesterday was her 1-year soberversary! Yay for Sue!!

She's asked that I post this special message from her, so here it is below.

Also wanted to quickly say that I am doing a long-overdue clean out & update of my blog list.. if you write a sober blog (or follow one) that isn't on my list please drop me a comment below so I can get you on there.

Now here's Sue...

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A huge thank you to all you sober bloggers.

I had my last drink a year ago today. The only reason I've made it to a year was because I found all you sober bloggers, and even though most of you had no idea, I've leaned heavily on you, every day, for support, information, encouragement, and company.

I met you all on Day 2, at 5pm, when I was buckling, and heading for yet another failed attempt at quitting. For some reason, before I went to the fridge for a wine, I Googled "sober blogs", and I found you all. I never did make it to the fridge. I spent the next couple of hours finding out that other people craved booze at 5pm, and how they get through, and eventually break the habit. I found out about having non-alcoholic drinks on hand, and actually drinking them. I found out how to look past the craving, and imagine going to bed sober, and waking up with no remorse or self hatred. But most importantly, I found out I wasn't alone in this horrible drinking place. You all made me feel like I was normal, that I was among friends, and that I was actually going to make it this time. I've been reading your blogs all year, and they've helped me deal with everything that getting and living sober deals up. I'm totally grateful to you all.

So I want to say a huge thank you to the sober bloggers.

Thank you for your courage -- to tell it like it is, in public. I leaned on your courage, and found my own courage because of you.

Thank you for your honesty -- for sharing intimate details about your lives, the ups and downs, the passes and fails. This helped me finally be honest with myself, after a lifetime of lies about drinking.

Thank you for your encouragement -- for responding to comments and cheering each other along, and offering advice and help so generously. Your practical advice and enthusiasm taught me so much, kept me strong and committed to staying sober.

Thank you for your humour (and cussing!) -- for being real live ordinary unintimidating people, speaking your truth. I feel comfortable with you, and even though you don't know it, you've been real friends to me.

I know I would not be sober today if it wasn't for you all writing your amazing blogs. Honestly, I've tried to quit so many times before, but this is the first time I've had support, and it's been the difference between failure and success.

So please, all, accept my heart-felt thanks for being such amazing, courageous, generous, encouraging, real people. You are awesome, and I am totally grateful for you.

Ten great years..

I am writing this post from a HOTEL ROOM!!!!!!!!!! It is 7am and I've just opened all the curtains, we are on the 16th floor - Mr D and I - and from my position on the bed I can see the tops of some high rises and some houses on the hills behind and lots of green bush-covered hilltops. The sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is in full force.

In about 30 minutes there should be a knock on the door with our BREAKFAST ON A TRAY!! (use of caps for emphasis.. oh how I love to have food delivered on a tray, one of the great joys of life I reckon).

Anyway the reason for the hotel is our 10th wedding anniversary. Very chuffed with that milestone. The actual anniversary was on Friday and we celebrated with a 3-course dinner with the kids, cooked by moi. I bought Mr D a nice boutique beer and a posh red wine (felt a little weird at the bottle shop but not too bad). I had elderflower cordial in a goblet with ice and soda water.

Our wedding 10 years ago was a big fun party, an all nighter with us heading home in a taxi as the sun came up. I do regret the fact that I can't remember much from midnight till 5am, but mostly I regret the fact that the next day when we hosted a big lunch for all guests I was a tired mess, mooching around, not able to converse much I was so wiped out by the partying from the night before.

But.. no point in dwelling on regrets. Not going to waste time looking backwards... all that happened before got me to where I am now - sober and free.

I've written before about how child-free nights in hotels used to always involve me drinking lots (because, as every good alcoholic knows any 'special' night is an excuse to drink more than usual). I love that I don't do that any more.

Yesterday when we arrived I had a cup of herbal tea (ginger and lemon) and a bottle of fizzy water from the mini bar (probably vastly expensive but so what). At dinner (went to a local Asian restaurant) I ordered a mango iced tea which was yum, and back home at the hotel I had an instant coffee with my chocolate pudding (delivered on a tray from room service - lushing it out big time baby!).

I'm just so pleased not to have any alcohol in my life. I don't regret my boozing, that was me then, this is me now. And now I'm in love with my sobriety. I think it's cool to be sober. All the cool people are sober don't you know...

Oh, I hear a knock.. breakfast calls.....bye!

Love, Mrs D xxx

A bit flat (life's like that)...

Feeling a bit flat... restless... not sure why... having another coffee...trying all my 'feel good' strategies..

Put a smile on my face (that worked momentarily but it slid off pretty quick)

Put a tee-light candle in my oil burner and added some delicious oil (should start to make the house smell nice soon, that usually cheers me up a bit)

Made a yummy green juice (spinach, celery, cucumber, lemon, ginger and green apple)..

Looking out at the horizon.. I've a nice hill I can look at. The sun is shining..

Um...

Yeah just one of those days I suppose. Feeling a bit weird now the book is finished. Really 'book' could read 'distraction' or 'goal'... I seem to always need one of those.

Question is.. what is my next goal?

Could try and train for a marathon YEAH RIGHT. Am always a bit jealous of my fellow sober bloggers who get into running. Not my thing. I could step up my gym work though, maybe that could be a goal.

I'm learning how to crochet with the help of my sober buddy Sue and some YouTube videos..I'm into that although I think it'll take months before I actually make something cool.

Mr D just told me I'm an overachiever and I need to chill out for a while, relax and enjoy pottering around with no pressure to deliver anything (first thesis, then book)...

Ok I'll try that. I'll try....

Novels. I need some more novels.

And cooking adventures. Maybe I'll get the cookbooks out and try some new recipes. And maybe I'll go through the house and sort out all the little piles of accumulated 'stuff' that have gathered in every corner.

That'll do for now.

And maybe I'll do lots of sober blog reading and commenting. I've been a bit remiss in my interactions with fellow sober bloggers lately, with meeting the book deadline taking up a lot of my energies. That's no good. I like the 'give and take' of this online community. I'd better step up my 'giving' and reconnect with you guys. That's the best plan of all.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The full story is coming...

So today I finished my book. I finished with a flourish, got teary typing out the last line, then danced wildly in my kitchen to Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

The sun was shining, the music was loud, and I was kicking up my feet, safe in the knowledge that no-one could see me. I felt soooooo very happy.

My book will be the final step in my integration process. For quite a while now I have had a double life.. the 'real' me (suburban housewife mother of three) and the 'online' me (Mrs D sober blogger).

I have gone halfway to integrating the two me's by telling more and more people in my 'real' life about my blog (scary as all hell but necessary).. but only when the book comes out will I be fully integrated as one. All you lovely blog readers will get the full story behind this blog. Who I am, what was going outside of all my posts (soooo much), and how and why blogging was so amazingly helpful to my getting and staying sober.

Like how on the day when I received my first ever comment from a reader it was like someone reached into my living room and gave me a great big hug. Suddenly I wasn't alone. It was awesome, and that day I really needed a hug from a fellow sober person.

Sober blogging is the newest form of recovery, where people like me can reach out through the internet and find amazing support. Really, the book is about you - my warm, kind, supportive, amazing worldwide community of brave sober warriors. We know how amazing this blogosphere is... I want other people to know too.

The book won't be out until next year some time, there's lots of editing and fiddling and formatting and stuff that goes on now apparently...

Until then I'll keep posting and sharing and being a part of this wonderful online world.

Oh, and one last thing.... I FUCKING LOVE BEING SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Over-sharing?

Did something a bit weird today. Was at the butchers going crazy on meat purchases and the two very nice, jolly men (what is it with butchers being so jolly?) were chatting away to me and then one of them commented on my broach. It's the silver broach with wings that Mr D gave me for my 1-year soberversary.. I wear it on my winter coat and it's bloody cold here so it was in full view..

Anyway he said 'I like that you're wearing there.. is that a watch mechanism in the middle?' to which I replied 'yeah it is.. my husband gave this to me for an anniversary'..

And both men kind of made 'oohh that's nice' noises, in a male/butchery way..

And then I opened my mouth and said; 'it was for my year anniversary of giving up wine'.

And the guy who was bagging up my marinated chicken drumsticks sort of gave me a look like 'Oh wow' and then pulled a funny face and said 'are you back on now?', nice and chummy like he was saying 'poor you how hard it would be not to drink'..(I think that's what he meant, he was being very nice and given he was probably a bit taken aback at my blunt information offering he was handling it pretty well I thought)..

Anyway I laughed and said 'oh no.. no way .. never again for me. Wine and me don't mix well' and he laughed and reached for the knife to slice up my steak and then I laughed and said 'or rather wine and me mix too well!' and he laughed even harder and the guy off to the side (small shop, hearing everything clearly) also had a chuckle and then we moved on to talk about how many beef kebabs I'd need.

Then the butcher to the side came closer to look at the broach again and told me how he thought it looked like some kind of car emblem.. (I can't remember what car he said because cars aren't my thing). Here it is anyway, judge for yourself.

It was all incredibly comfortable and no big deal.

I did wonder for a nano-second as I left the shop with a cheery 'see ya, thanks!' if I'd over-shared and should have not told them that the broach was for a soberversary rather than a wedding anniversary or something ...

But then I thought no fuck it, it is a broach for a soberversary, that's a fact, I don't drink wine, that's a fact, wine and me don't mix well, that's a fact too and frankly if anyone think's that's over-sharing to tell the butchers then bite me.

It's my story and I'll be open about it if I want to.

And anyway I don't think the lovely butcher men minded one single jot.

Love, Mrs D xxx

An authentic life...

I don't want stupid alcohol anywhere in my body, my mind or my life.

It has no place in my world.

Shit will come and bad things will happen and happy things too and all manner of stuff and I choose to deal with it all without drinking something that affects how I think and feel.

I want to think and feel in a way that I can always trust is authentic.

Alcohol just gets in the way of that authenticity.

And that's why I choose not to drink today or ever again in my life.

The amazing thing is that this wasn't my objective when I first gave up. I didn't know how negatively alcohol was impacting on my thoughts and feelings as I moved around in the world.

I just thought I had to take it away because I couldn't control how much I consumed. Only after it was gone did I discover what an impact it had been having on my emotional landscape FOR YEARS.

Sometimes I feel like it's a blessing that I was pounding it so hard I had to stop.. because only by stopping did I discover what a huge obstacle it was to my living an authentic life.

And now that obstacle is gone - hooray!

And now if you'll excuse me I have to go run the bath, the boys are covered in mud and it's time to settle in, get jammies on and get cosy.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Graduation jubilation!!!!!!!!!

I'm on watch now to hit a kind of post-high slump. The last couple of times I hit a great high (like when I danced for four hours at my friend's 40th!) I spent the days following feeling low and a bit glum.

So after yesterday's big high - I graduated! - I can already feel a bit of a low creeping in and am going to do all that I can to keep myself feeling good and positive. The longer I live sober the more I start to understand myself and the better I get at managing my feelings naturally. I know I'm capable of hitting great highs, and that sometimes they can dump me down afterwards.. so I'm prepared.

See how the longer you live sober the better you get at it. I'm over 2 years now and I'm still figuring stuff out.

So yesterday... OMG YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!! All those months of hard slog, writing that goddam 40,000 word thesis, the stress, the stress, the stress, yesterday it all paid off and I felt soooooooo good walking across that stage and shaking that man's hand and putting my hat on and walking off again.

The ceremony lasted for 2 hours, my walk of pride lasted for about 8 seconds, but every one was worth a million dollars I'm telling ya. My mum was there and my dad and Mr D and I was soooo sooooo soooo very very very happy to be graduating.

And so happy to be doing it knowing that not only have I got an MA, but I have got myself sober.

Had a lovely soda water to celebrate - in a flute of course! - and the fact that it wasn't champagne didn't matter one iota. Alcohol does not have the power to make my graduation jubilation better. My graduation jubilation was a beautiful, powerful, amazing thing all by itself. Whoop!

(So now you can maybe see why I'm on watch for the comedown.)

And now, if you'll permit me, I'm going to be a bit of a show off.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Fizzy book brain..must write!

I'm writing another post sooner than I normally would because I've got fizzy book brain and my synapses are zinging so much I have to write. Must write.....! Writewritewritewrite....Zing! Fizz! Zing!

This book writing process is farking intense.. 3 weeks ago I was writing the part of my story where I was around 80 days without the booze and realising that one of the hardest things for me with not drinking was to sit comfortably in the 'quiet' moments. The weekday evenings with nothing much happening, I'd get hit with big-time pangs.

At this early point in my sobriety I was realising that I used wine to fill the 'empty space' and that I had to figure out whether 1) this 'empty space' was a problem that needed to be solved or 2) this 'empty space' was a normal part of the human condition that I just had to get used to living with.

Re-living this and trying to put it into words for the book I was reduced to tears (literally in tears in my bed with the laptop) realising that this is something I still haven't 'solved' or 'fixed' or figured out ... that I am still very much a work in progress in this department and may be for the rest of my life.

I ground my way through that bit of the writing, sugar binging to help with the difficult emotions, managed to get through that point in the story, realised I am still a work in progress and need to keep working on me, thought about my brain/alcohol/brain/sugar/brain, decided to address the sugar binging, went on the Whole30, kept writing...

And now I've moved on in the book to where I'm writing about all the research and hard mental work I did to try to shift my thinking about alcohol so that I wouldn't be a miserable non-boozer for the rest of my life. I'm re-reading the 2 books that were so helpful to me back then (and big thanks to the anonymous person that reminded me that I could buy the e-version of Jason Vale and not wait weeks for the hard copy to arrive - duh) and I'm feeling all fired up and positive again!

Maybe it's because my body is a temple and I'm only eating whole foods, or maybe it's because Jason Vale and Allen Carr are so good at making all of the beliefs we have about alcohol (that it makes us happy, that it steadies our nerves, that it relieves boredom and stress, that it eases pain, that it helps us to relax etc etc) seem like complete and utter fallacies. They systematically break down all of these beliefs and tear them to shreds. It's so fun to read I'm telling you, reading them is making me feel all positive and strong and just amazing again about living a life without alcohol!!

That is all.

Love, Mrs D xxx

(Mr Hall I put that exclamation mark in the post title just for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Re-working the brain..

My big thing after I took the wine away was that while I didn't want to be a miserable boozer any more I most certainly did not want to be a miserable NON boozer either. I couldn't bear the thought of spending the second half of my life feeling like I was missing out, not going out, not having fun with friends, not laughing or dancing or talking shit at parties.

So that's what I worked really hard on and still work on to this day. I'm trying to articulate this process now in my book writing and have gone and ordered the two books that I remember being the most influential to me in those early days - Allen Carr's 'The Easy Way to Stop Drinking' and Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink - Easily!' (it kind of irks me that he's put an exclamation mark in his book title for some stupid reason, but then that's the kind of guy I think he is. Actually I can't complain, I love a good exclamation mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)..

These books are actually bloody hard to get, not available at any of the stores or libraries in my city so I had to track down second hand copies on Amazon. The Jason Vale one is going to take weeks to arrive (hopefully before my deadline). Allen Carr arrived this week (great excitement!) and I opened it to discover it's full of someone else's underlining and comments throughout. This is the inside cover.

I've been wondering who this person is with their weird scripty handwriting, when did they read this book and write these notes to try and stop drinking? There must have been millions of humans over the decades who have tried to do what we are all trying to do - live a great life with no alcohol added.

So anyway my big thing was/is to try and rework my brain so that I won't be a miserable git sitting at home like a boring sober loser. I wanted to go to bars and laugh with my friends and go to weddings and cut it up on the dance floor to cheesy pop tunes and I wanted to huddle outside on the balcony at parties and rant madly and I wanted to do all of that without the wine messing me up.

The bottom line is, I think we don't have to miss out on anything. I think if you think very hard about the scene you are entering into .. think about all the elements that are there, the people, the setting, the atmosphere, the food, the music, the friendship, the giggles, the gossip etc etc and focus on those - those are the things that make an occasion special. It shouldn't have to matter that the glass you hold has lemonade not champagne in it. 

It takes a bit of work to get this and sometimes you hit the jackpot and have a blinder of a night! Sometimes you just break even and the night is just fine, and sometimes you lose out and do feel a bit flat and sober and go home feeling a bit low (but it's never that bad in the overall grand scheme of things.) And whatever the case, I never, ever wake up in the morning regretting not having drunk the night before (unlike the waves of drinking regret that used to dominate my life).

The sun is shining and I've got a child free day so will get busy with the laptop! 

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. Quick Whole30 update. I'm on Day 8. It's amazing. I feel great. Not in the least bit hungry because I'm eating a lot, just veges and eggs and meat and fruit and not crappy easy stuff. Love it. I am having to take a little extra time planning what I am going to eat but I really do feel lighter and happier. That's the crazy bit. This is not just physical but really works emotionally as well. I feel positive, not negative. Duh, can't believe I'm only just cottoning on to the 'what you eat affects your moods' concept. Good one Mrs D. 

Warm sun, no slice

Sitting at the public library with the sun on my back, typing on the laptop listening to some students giggling down the other end of the room. Two hours to myself until I have to pick up the boys and go to swimming lessons.

The escalators are humming and there's a man in a suit sitting next to me reading over a contract.

I've just spent half an hour looking up recipes for the new faddy-food-thingy that I'm doing - 30 days with no wheat, no dairy, no sugar, no legumes. Actually I shouldn't dismiss it as faddy, it's an awesome programme called the Whole30, they've totally seduced me with their website, I've paid (not much) to receive a newsletter every day that I am on this programme and have even posted a wee comment on their forum. And I tweeted them and they tweeted me back! That was exciting.

Day 3 and I feel good already. Was going to start next Monday but I couldn't wait! Really jazzed about getting on top of my dysfunctional food habits. My 'I'm stressed so I can sugar/carb binge' thought processes so mirror my 'I'm stressed/bored/happy/sad/whatever so I can drink wine' thought processes.

I had a breakthrough about this while at my lovely soberversary Mexican dinner with my sisters (drinking a delicious Virgin Mojito no less). I was explaining to them about the Addictive Voice Recognition Technique that I used early on when I was first trying to give up wine (I didn't know I was doing it but a clever commenter told me I was after I posted about how I was trying to beat cravings. I had to Google what it was to find out more).

Anyway after Friday night I had a thought; that voice in my head telling me to eat crap isn't something I have to listen to, and maybe there's a way that I can shut that bloody voice up and not reach for foods that are going to make me feel sluggish or guilty. I'll have to let you know if I can control this one the same as I have alcohol. My solution with alcohol = take it away completely. Food you can't do that with and moderation has never been my strong point.

I'm sure it's got to do with my addictive personality (what is that?) or the reward pathways in my brain (what are those?) or something, it's certainly got a whole lot to do with my eternal quest to be the happiest, most healthy, non-dysfunctional, smooth, calm and contented person that I can possibly be.

Bloody hell...why can't I just chill the fuck out and bodge around and not worry about all this shit??!! Ah.. coz that's what I used to do and it didn't make me happy. The alcohol stopped making me happy. I know lately my food has stopped making me happy. And for some reason my brain keeps propelling me forward on this eternal quest.

I tell you what is making me happy right now.. the sun on my back ... it's so warm and lovely....

I will not go to the library café for a piece of slice. I will not. Maybe they've got containers of fruit salad... or cashew nuts! I'm allowed to snack on those....

Bye.

Love, Mrs D xxx