Ok so now I'm thinking of some more of these casual statements that I'll trot out at social occasions in the years to come. This is a technique! (I made it up). Visualising myself sober. Projecting forth into the future a vision of a smart, cool and together Mrs D. Not the sloppy, lush-like ageing party girl that I had become.
So here goes.
At a wedding: "Oh no, just a juice for me thanks. Why? Oh I just don't bother with the booze any more, it was running away with me (tosses hair), but I'm no less fun am I (laughs gaily and spends the rest of the night cutting it up stylishly on the dance floor before driving all the drunk people home).
At a work function: "This? (points to glass) Oh it's just tonic water, I'm not bothering with the hard stuff any more. Trust me, I'm way better without it (proceeds to spend the night talking wittily and intelligently with management, taking care of the new girl who overdoes it on chardonnay. Drives home and reads two chapters of great novel before sleeping soundly all night).
On a group holiday: "No really, I am just having a red bull. It's ok, really. No it's not that hard (lies), I just don't want the alcohol in my life any more. No I'm not judging any of you guys, honestly, you just go for it (retreats to bedroom to re-read letter written to self on first day of sobriety to remember, remember, remember why this must be done).
In these fantasies the casual tone is accompanied by a casual thought process. I long for the day that it doesn't take such mental rigour to stay off the grog. Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon thinking about alcohol. All afternoon! Bugger that. I hope that as the weeks go by I will just be sober, without any thought. Coz right now that sure ain't the case.
Love, Mrs D xxx