I just feel so scared that this is all too easy. It's been approx 2 months now, I'm not really counting the days.
I had gone for a regular 'month off' in August - something I used to do to get my tolerance down and give my liver a break. Well this break only lasted 3 1/2 weeks and five days of heavy drinking followed so the whole 'get my tolerance down' thing didn't work and .. hence the final decision to quit. (If you want to read about my final binge I wrote it in my first blog post)..
So anyway .. since I've made that final brutal call I've felt really strong and clear headed and haven't had a single pull to drink.
Not a single pull to drink.
Now, don't you think that's weird? I mean I've been pouring red wine down my throat like it's going out of fashion for years. I've had an internal clock chiming a call to DRINK! at 5pm for ages. I've got a brain that has spent hours and hours and hours affected by alcohol. Drinking it, recovering from it, feeling guilty about it, obtaining it, looking forward to it, drinking it, and so on and so on.
So, why is my brain now just happily accepting my final decision to cut it out altogether? I'm fearful it's tricking me, lulling me into a false sense of security. I like to think I'm strong minded and clear headed and have never kidded myself about my dysfunctional unhealthy relationship with alcohol. But to have this decision to live sober be so easy .. well, I'm scared.
Must remember, must remember, must remember.
But I'm sure there will be tests to come and I'm scared it will be really hard to resist. Especially as I'm going it alone with only the support of my husband and family and blogs I've found online. Plus this blog that I write regularly. The words I put down here linger with me during the day, and I'm hoping upon hope they'll help me stick to my resolve.
Love, Mrs D xxx