There, I said it. Sorry. I could come here and rave away and be clever sober Mrs D but the truth is today I am tired and hot and grumpy and a nice glass or two of wine to slightly blur my feelings would be nice.
I'm grumpy because today is the first anniversary of a devastating earthquake that killed 185 people and really munted my home town (the aftermath still affects my loved ones a great deal), I'm grumpy because a friend said two thoughtless, insensitive and hurtful things that I haven't been able to let go of, I'm grumpy because I'm really tired from having just hosted four extra people in our downstairs room for 3 nights, I'm grumpy because I have three young sons who I look after full time and each of them think the world revolves around their needs and their needs alone (like all kids I know) and today I'm sick of their noise and demands, I'm grumpy because I've been alone the last two nights and have done stupid binge eating (a huge bowl of cornflakes with 4 desert spoons of sugar on it at 9pm in bed, hello??????!!!!!!!!!), and I'm grumpy because it's bloody hot and muggy.
So yeah, basically I just feel shitty and because I'm a stupid recovering boozer I can't have a drink or two.
But because this is a blog that 'helps me stay sober' (my own stupid words) I'm going to take this opportunity to make a couple of lists.
All the good things I have ...
1) An extremely clean bathroom and loo (that's what I do now when I'm struggling - I clean. Just spent 45 mins with my yellow gloves on)
2) Three crazy, energetic, engaging, loving little bundles of joy - my sons (little shits - oops, sorry!)
3) A kind, supportive, loving, understanding, stimulating, cool and interesting husband
4) A body that has slimmed down a little and feels much healthier now I'm not working like a demon to process lots of red wine
5) A healthy degree of self respect from having confronted my demons
All the lovely steps I take to look after myself now I don't guzzle wine like it's going out of fashion ...
1) I drink green tea and eat homemade muesli in the morning instead of necking panadol and sculling a huge mug of instant coffee to deal with a hangover
2) I am taking better care of my skin and use cleanser now in the shower in the mornings and wash my face at night and put night cream on (most of the time)
3) I have an oil burner on my kitchen windowsill and keep a good stock of tea-light candles in the cupboard and when I feel like it I light the candle and burn some lovely lavender oil
4) I exercise regularly but now I don't drag my sorry ass around the gym with sick guts or a headache, so I feel fitter and stronger
5) I play tunes on YouTube, turn the speakers up loud and dance around the living room (current faves Lady Gaga - Edge of Glory and David Guetta feat Usher - Without You. You try it!)
Yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. Still hot and tired and grumpy. But the desire to drink is buggering off. At least one thing I do now know is that this is just a grumpy mood and sometimes grumpy moods just come along. And if I stay patient (and sober) the grump will pass and I'll feel better again soon. Harrumph.
Love, Mrs D xxx