I was a very easygoing, steady, upbeat woman proud of her even temperament and low-maintenance behaviour. I used to comment (proudly) to Mr D that I was an 'easy wife'. I wasn't often grumpy or tense or tearful or brittle. I cruised along for the most part.
Great, successful way to live, right? Only problem - I managed all of that by self-medicating my negative emotions away with wine. I had softened the edges, evened my personality out by being a steady, heavy wine drinker. Not prone to almighty binges (not because I didn't hit it extra hard sometimes, because I could handle and process large amounts of alcohol) but absolutely reliant on wine as an emotional coping aid.
(Quick side-note: some people try and make me feel better about my boozing now by reassuring me that I wasn't a 'terrible alcoholic'. Their definition of 'terrible alcoholic' is someone who crashed cars, vomited in public, lost jobs or kids, made a public spectacle of themselves or in some way hit a spectacular rock bottom that everyone witnessed. I've had to get forceful to explain to them how 'alcoholic' my steady heavy private drinking was.)
Anyway, almost six months ago I decided to remove my beloved wine (my medication of choice), just Take It Away! and as a result Mr D and I have some new house-mates that we are getting used to living with.
Grumpy Mrs D. If you read my last post you met her. She gets shitty, usually about tangable things like tiredness, demanding kids, MA stress or hormones (time of the month). That was another one of my statements before sobriety - 'I don't really get hormonal'. Yeah, well now I understand why that was.
Sad Mrs D. She gets melancholy sometimes, feels flat and a bit low. Some bits of life are just sad, that's a fact.
Impatient Mrs D. Most often comes out when the kids are ... well, being just kids. Or when annoying things happen like computers crap out.
Self-absorbed Mrs D. Oh my god I'm sick of her! She is so obsessed with herself and the fact she gave up wine. Get over yourself girl, you're not that special. I think I'm going to have to stop blogging one day just to stop talking about myself all the time.
But not yet! And this is not a doom and gloom post. No way. Meet my other new companions.
Strong Mrs D. I'm proud of her.
Honest Mrs D. People are inspired by that.
Sensitive Mrs D. She can relate.
Loving Mrs D. I feel this more intensely. Love for my family. Love for my friends. Love for myself.
Real Mrs D. Warts and all, here I am.
xxxxx
Great post, Mrs. D! Love the concept. I recognize a few of those companions myself!
ReplyDeleteIf you were wondering if you had a soulmate in new york city, here I am!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea how many moods I was medicating away. It honestly feels like a full time job just figuring out to manage myself ~ and then deal with the same guilt of self-centeredness.
But I totally agree that there are wonderful new aspects of our sober selves. So much discovery! Well, at least we can all agree that a sober life is definitely not a boring life. :-)
I love this post :) I have had so many different versions of myself come out over the past almost 10 months of sobriety. I like some of them and some of them not so much. But it's progress not perfection right? :p
ReplyDeleteAin't it the truth. I am finding out just who I am and to tell you the truth - there are some "me's" that I really don't like either!
ReplyDeleteBut overall the ones I do like far outweigh the one's I don't.
My personal favorite is Sober Me. That woman rocks!
Keep hanging in there Mrs. D - it is soooooo worth it!
And you forgot one: Normal Mrs. D! All those "Mrs. D's" make up the wonderful you! I was a big wine drinker myself (hence the name NoMoreMerlot)and I remember all those emotions. I was proud of dealing with so much all the time, well of course when you've got half a gallon of a dry red running through your veins who couldn't deal with a lot? Two weeks in and I was crawling out of my skin! One particular night my kids were driving me crazy and I had to stop and shut my eyes, and say the serenity prayer for five minutes until the urge to down a bottle left. What's so awesome is that you are feeling, good, bad, happy, sad, you're feeling! I spent too many years numbing all my feelings so they scared me to death when they surfaced. But the waves will start to calm, and then you will know how to deal with all these emotions. Congratulations on six months! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteFrom the 6-8 month mark, I hit a lot of lows and not as many highs. It was a roller coaster of mainly negative emotions. Its intensity surprised me and I thought it would never end, but I do feel better now. That's not to say I don't still have bad, sad times because I do. Sobriety is definitely a lot more emotional than when I could numb with alcohol. I'm convinced there's something good and useful in that, just working on what exactly, haha. Great post, as usual...thank you for saying what I'm usually just thinking.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. You really know how to write...honestly. I love that. I clearly was self-medicating with wine also. The stressful demands of life...wine in the evenings helped me to wind down and forget all the millions of things that need to get done but could wait until tomorrow. However, like you, what started as just one glass increased over time. By the time I quit I was not happy unless I had 3-4 (but wanted even more) nightly. Just not healthy. Your blog is refreshing and one of the things that keeps me motivated because you give me food for thought. Oh, its so nice to wake up and have a clear head. Forgot what that was like!
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