This is stupid actually, I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm having the occasional cigarette. Why? Why? Why? There's no benefit, no fun woozy boozy feeling, in fact sometimes it actually gives me a nervy tummy and makes me feel a little insecure for a time, but I keep doing it.
Just went away for the weekend with friends and the bloke in the couple is a smoker and I found myself sharing ciggies with him all the time. Then in the evening Mr D would have a few too while drinking. It's kind of flash back to our boozy faggy days from our youth (except our 'youth' lasted through till mid 30s and is still lingering a bit now).
Aside from the fact that a packet of cigarettes is so friggin expensive, it's just dumb! Dumb, dumb, dumb. Must stop.
That smoking bloke also asked me on the weekend if I was resentful of others drinking. Interesting question. I said no, that it was more a 'woe is me' feeling toward myself rather than a resentful feeling towards others.
To be honest (although I didn't say this to him) I still have the feeling when others are drinking (especially when they're really hitting it) that they can't see as clearly as I now do what a crutch and a fallacy alcohol is. That's the super-clever part of me coming out.
And again I'm left with that dichotomy. The proud me feeling oh-so-clever and enlightened and the sorry for myself me feeling just like a loser addict.
Aaarrrgghhh too much analysis and introspection!
Off on a plane this weekend to a wedding - child free! It will be a very very very boozy affair and that's fine by me. I will confess though, I will have a packet of fags tucked away in my handbag. Then that's it, no more ciggies after that, I promise.
Love, Mrs D xxx