It's always the bloody emotions for me. And it's the tough emotions.. not fun or excitement or happiness.. sadness, grumpiness, anger. Those are the ones I can't cope with.
I can usually be strong and set a great example for how to live sober and still have fun. But how to live sober and deal with a bad mood..? Not my strong point.
Yesterday ended with me in a shit.. just grumpy and stomping around. House was a tip (we are packing to move houses) boys were being difficult around bed time (extended summer holidays here and the days are long), Mr D was in his happy place watching cricket on TV and I just felt shitty and tired and grumpy.
But instead of finishing my day with a nice hot bath and another episode of Breaking Bad I did my worst dysfunctional sugar binging trick of eating a little bowl of cereal heaped with about 3 tablespoons of white sugar.
A fucking sugar binge.
Twice. Two bowls. Ok they were small but really? Really Mrs D?
It's the same impulse that would have led me to drinking a bottle of red wine if not more. Oh shit! Shock horror I feel bad! Quick! Reach for some external unhealthy thing that will make me feel momentarily better - quick!
I'm even slightly embarrassed to say that Mr D's wine glasses were winking at me from the bench. He had one white one and then one red one. I sniffed the red one long and deeply - in my bad mood it was like I was making myself suffer. I didn't actually care too much about the wine or the smell, no pangs or cravings or serious temptations to drink it. Just me in a bad mood sniffing wine to be a dickhead.
And then the little 'fuck it' voice heaping spoons of sugar into a little bowl of cereal.
Of course today the guilt and fierce thought that I will not beat myself up too much but I will also stay determined to be the person I really want to be. Healthy and calm. And better at dealing with bad moods when they do come.
Now, back to packing.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I'm with you in the replacing booze with sugar thing. It's like I can't be without some kind of reward or treat - but you're moving house and packing and that's stressful, so sugar it is :)
ReplyDeleteAck! We are moving in 3 weeks and the house is a wreck. I'm trying to be calm about it, but I want my order back! Then of course one car has a mysterious light that came on (take it to the dealership the book advises. Oh, ok. That's always not expensive at all), and the other had an expired inspection that we got a ticket for (totally out fault for not taking care of it- it just kept getting pushed down the list). It's been raining or freezing forever so we haven't had hardly any long outside sunshine time. Boys need to run. And I gained almost 15 pounds since fall. WTF??????????
ReplyDeleteThanks for that. :) Now to either fix it all or deal with it eh? I hear your frustration loud and clear. hugs. xoxoxo
Give yourself a break...please. Yes, the sugar is bad but since you're still trying to figure out how to deal with those bad moods we used to drink (not merely smell) away, I think that two little bowls of cereal heaped with sugar is still a fuckload better than drinking. Mine was peanut M&M's...and I ate A LOT of them. Now the thought of them makes me a little nauseous to tell you the truth.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out...you always do. I'm mean Jesus, Joseph and Mary woman! You smelled his wine and then walked away! You ARE a fucking superhero!
Love and hugs my sweet friend,
Sherry
Ditto what Sherry said so well. Sugar shit happens.
ReplyDeleteMrs D, sorry you had a crap time. But I hope you don't feel too too bad about the wee sugar binge. Moving is brutally stressful, and I doubt anyone (even you!) cold get through it calm and breezy.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note, if you want to read a great story that centres on the appeal of sugar (though it's about so much more), take a look at Derek Palacio's "Sugarcane" in the 2013 editon of "The O. Henry Prize Stories." The rest of the stories are pretty fine, too, and I know you always like a good fiction recommendation.
Keep well and good luck with packing and moving. xo
Hey just did 10 days off then tonight drank a bottle and over a half! Hate myself now:( I am loving reading your blog and want to stop, also have three kids, am waiting for the guilt etc in the am... Poo x
ReplyDeleteGiven a choice, choose sugar every time. I had great success with the Atkins Diet...for one week and then it was gimme, gimme, gimme. Ice cream, chocolate, pizza, chips....When am I ever going to figure out that diets always backfire?
ReplyDelete