It's always the bloody emotions for me. And it's the tough emotions.. not fun or excitement or happiness.. sadness, grumpiness, anger. Those are the ones I can't cope with.
I can usually be strong and set a great example for how to live sober and still have fun. But how to live sober and deal with a bad mood..? Not my strong point.
Yesterday ended with me in a shit.. just grumpy and stomping around. House was a tip (we are packing to move houses) boys were being difficult around bed time (extended summer holidays here and the days are long), Mr D was in his happy place watching cricket on TV and I just felt shitty and tired and grumpy.
But instead of finishing my day with a nice hot bath and another episode of Breaking Bad I did my worst dysfunctional sugar binging trick of eating a little bowl of cereal heaped with about 3 tablespoons of white sugar.
A fucking sugar binge.
Twice. Two bowls. Ok they were small but really? Really Mrs D?
It's the same impulse that would have led me to drinking a bottle of red wine if not more. Oh shit! Shock horror I feel bad! Quick! Reach for some external unhealthy thing that will make me feel momentarily better - quick!
I'm even slightly embarrassed to say that Mr D's wine glasses were winking at me from the bench. He had one white one and then one red one. I sniffed the red one long and deeply - in my bad mood it was like I was making myself suffer. I didn't actually care too much about the wine or the smell, no pangs or cravings or serious temptations to drink it. Just me in a bad mood sniffing wine to be a dickhead.
And then the little 'fuck it' voice heaping spoons of sugar into a little bowl of cereal.
Of course today the guilt and fierce thought that I will not beat myself up too much but I will also stay determined to be the person I really want to be. Healthy and calm. And better at dealing with bad moods when they do come.
Now, back to packing.
Love, Mrs D xxx