So the very next night after I wrote my post confessing to dysfunctional sugar binging I went and did it again. Two little bowls of cereal heaped with sugar. And I mean HEAPED. It's not about the cereal, it's about the sugar.
It was quite funny actually at one point Mr D came into the kitchen/family room to rummage around in a box for something and I froze at the kitchen bench, totally caught in the act with the spoon in my hand and the sugar container sitting proudly in full view (I'd confessed to him that I'd been naughty the night before). Luckily he found what he was looking for and went away without spotting me and I finished the job quickly and scurried off to bed to eat the contraband.
Anyway the next morning of course I was all grumpy and snapping at the boys for not knowing what they wanted for breakfast and just being a grouchy, grumpy person. A short while later amid boxes and shit I said to Mr D "I hate this.. I hate all the mess and being in limbo .. and the thought of unpacking at the other end makes me shudder. I'm not stressed or anything.. I'm just hating this". He said nothing much.
Then later we were outside by the garage and I snapped at him for not grabbing a plastic bottle before it rolled completely under the car and he paused and just looked at me for a minute and BAM my self-awareness/honesty button got pushed and I blurted out "Ok I'm stressed! I am!! I'm just stressed and I'm hating this and ask any housewife moving house is awful and stressful and I'm just not enjoying this process AT ALL! Look at me! I'm grumpy and snappy and sugar binging like a freak. All the signs are there - I'm stressed!!!"
And then I felt so much better. Just like that I felt better. Amazeballs.
Not sure if this is true for everyone but I seem to have to clearly identify and put into words how I am feeling in order to deal with it. That's probably why I blah on about myself in a blog and in person to everyone I meet all the time (oh gawd, what must people think of me?). Brutal honesty gives me power. Blogging is powerful for me not just because of the wonderful community of support but because I am externalising what's going on for me internally... and that is fucking powerful my friends.
Are other people the same as me? I reckon even if you were saying something truthful out loud to the mirror with no-one else around it would be incredibly powerful. Words are powerful. Thoughts can be deceiving. Put thoughts and feelings into words and they become easier to understand and manage. That's what I think anyway.
So... no more sugar binging from now until we move later this week. Hopefully this works!
Love, Mrs D xxx
You KNOW I'm exactly like this! "Brutal honesty gives mr power". YES!!! I've been doing that since I was a child. If I was honest and upfront about how fucked up my family and life were, no one could hold it over me...I held the power. No one else.
ReplyDeleteAnd isn't it amazing how just a look from our husband's can open the floodgates? And once it's out of my face and into the universe, well then I'm all better!
I think it's just how we're wired. And I'm okay with that!
Sherry
Blurghing it out on the interweb sure helps me :) And reading other people are just like me too is really empowering in a 'you're not a unique freakoid at all' kind of way ;) Good luck with the move! xx
ReplyDeleteI talk to the mirror sometimes too. When my kids were little (OMG that was sooo long ago) I'd give them cereal sans sugar and then sneak in a corner to sprinkle sugar on my bowl. Amazeballs indeed. Cut yourself some slack, moving is incredibly stressful for everyone, especially the Queen of the household.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog! I really like the way that you articulated that 'Thoughts can be deceiving. Put thoughts and feelings into words and they become easier to understand and manage.'
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this recently and its so true isn't it! Especially since we're dealing with wolfie who is notorious for twisting our logic and casting that spell of peculiar amnesia from time to time.
I do my bingeing hovering in the dark corners of the pantry, or maybe over by the sink. Always standing up and never actually in front of anyone. Gasp, that would be too crazy! I don't know what to say about sugar anymore because how I'm doing with it varies by day or stressor. I do think we are at a disadvantage, still, when it comes to coping with stress, and to that end sugar fits the bill. From what I've gathered from others with more time, it gets easier and we shouldn't be too hard or unrealistic with ourselves. Good luck with the move, Mrs. D. That's incredibly hard and I hope you are really happy in your new home. Exciting!
ReplyDeletehi mrs d. love your blog and the way you are able to describe and articulate your emotional processes. it is really helping me unpack my anxiety and panic attacks. i think it is very true that being able to label and express the emotion, feeling, reason etc does rlease it and restores our equilibrium. i am noticing how disconnected i am from my feelings and tru responses to situations due to all my tears of self medicating to manage life. without the wine all i have at present is anxiety as a response. holding the space for all your men and being the go to person for all things for the move would be exhausting. i really understand how you described responding to life's situations without alcohol is like living with volume turned up LOUD. there is no quick fix to tone it down which is what the wine used to do very quickly. you are an inspiration and your family are blessed to have such a woman in their lives.
ReplyDeleteAre you moving again? I've got to go back and catch up. I just said a little prayer to myself this morning, "Please help me be more kind, especially to my husband." I have such a freaking superiority complex, especially since I quit drinking, I am insufferable. So yes, put me in the bitch sector.
ReplyDeleteI think you deserve a huge dose of slack. a couple bowls of sugary cereal to get you through a move which includes a husband and 3 boys and might mean the work falls to you, and you alone ... suspect help with some lifting and hauling - but the setup and general making sure it get's done - perhaps tis the job of mrs. d and mrs. d alone ... beats rewarding yourself with a glass of wine - a lot of drinking can get justified around a move - you rock.
ReplyDelete