Recovering from a tummy bug. Blurgh. Nothing like a tummy bug to remind me what it was like to be hungover. I think I've almost forgotten what it's like to be hungover.
Not just the physical symptoms - headache & sick guts - but the psychological ones - the guilt and the overwhelming feeling that I was shit.
I know that's not very poetic but that feeling 'I'm shit' is kind of what pervaded my brain in the last years of my drinking. I'm shit because I let myself down again, I'm shit because I'm hungover again, I'm shit because I can't moderate. I'm shit.
Of course I'm not shit and alcohol is BLOODY ADDICTIVE! And we're not weak or bad people because we get addicted to something which is addictive. We're just the ones who got addicted.
That's the kind of bummer thing about alcohol… it seems to pick and choose who is going to be able to moderate and who is not. Some people can use it all their lives.. in good times and in bad.. and never cross over that blurry line from 'normal, functional' drinking to 'abnormal, dysfunctional' drinking. But some of us end up on the wrong side .. the addicted side .. the side where alcohol is dragging us down, ruling our lives, squashing our fire .. all those shitty things that alcohol does when you rely on it heavily, can't control it and drink too much.
Alcohol is shit. We're not.
Our challenge as addicted human beings is to front up and admit that we are one of those people who can't control the drug of alcohol. We don't have to admit it publicly if we don't want… we can just admit it privately to ourselves.
And then what we need to do is take a step outside of the 'norm' and become people who don't touch alcohol ever.. in a world awash with booze.
And it's hard, sometimes, because we feel different, and left out. But we're not left out of anything! We can do everything drinkers do.. we just happen to do it without drinking a brain bending liquid. That's my attitude. Right from the moment I realised I had no choice but to remove alcohol from my life I was DETERMINED that I was going to CONVINCE MY BRAIN that I could live happily without it.
Happily. It had to be happily. I couldn't bear the thought of being a miserable non-drinker for the rest of my life. And you know what… my brain got convinced..! I am a happy non-drinker.
Tonight I'm going to meet a couple of girlfriends at a local bistro for dinner/drinks/nibbles whatever we decide to have. I've not been eating much the past couple of days because of the tummy bug so I might just have a lemonade. Maybe some fries. They might have wine. They might not. I don't care. Tonight is not about what is in my glass. It's about getting out of the house for a couple of hours and catching up with girlfriends.
Love, Mrs D xxx