I was talking with a gorgeous girlfriend yesterday about how I get wine in the house if we have visitors who are drinkers. And she said something like 'it's so great that you can do that and not be tempted'.
I didn't respond immediately but my brain was whirring so a couple of minutes later I found myself revisiting her comment and blurting out a response…
'Sorry I just have to go back to what you just said about me not being tempted. There is not even the slightest bit of me that is tempted by alcohol any more. There's not even point-nought-nought-nought-nought-nought-one percent of me that is tempted by alcohol. You guys can all have it.. I don't want that shit in my life. I even feel angry now that I was lied to for most of my life that it was necessary and the essential ingredient for fun.. maybe it was me lying to myself .. but now I'm free of it I don't want to touch it in the slightest. I don't find it difficult not drinking AT ALL. What I do still find difficult is being emotional.. but I'm getting better at that all the time.. but not touching alcohol isn't hard at all."
(She was smiling at me, not minding my fired-up speech at all).
People who have yet to stop, know this. That voice in your head telling you to drink will go. That pull you have towards alcohol will go. This is an addiction that can be beaten. So long as you keep at the not drinking for long enough… and properly examine the reasons why you want to drink… the longing for alcohol will go.
So there's two things; first there's the grit and determination needed in the early weeks and months to resist urges, and second there's the proper examination needed into the reasons for drinking. Doing the second thing properly will help the first thing fade and eventually disappear. Each time you get a hard-out pang look honestly at what is going on and explore that rather than reaching for alcohol to make it go away. If it's some really big shit going on you may need outside help from a trained professional to help you deal with that shit.. but it's dealing with that shit and not pushing it away with a liquid drug that will get you to the point where you don't crave alcohol any more.
I know I'm over-simplifying massively and feel free to disagree but I want to send a big message of HOPE because I am living proof this can be done. And if I can do it - me being completely addicted to wine as a life choice after necking it steadily and heavily for 20 years - then anyone can.
And by the way the reason I get wine in the house for guests who are drinkers is because I understand completely what it is like to rely on wine and I don't judge anyone for that.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I'm not tempted either. We have two bottles of bubbles in the cabinet that were gifts, and maybe one day this summer we'll have friends over and they can cheers with that while I have bubbly Pellegrino. The more days that go by the more I see that I lied to myself for years about the value of alcohol in my life. Now I know that the real value of alcohol: none has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams. I still struggle with horking down too many sweets after a rough day but I'm getting there. :)
ReplyDeleteMrs D, this was sooooo well put. I'm about a year behind you in sobriety (at almost ...HOLY SHIT... 18months!) Wow, at a year I was still super focused on 'how long' but I just sat here and had to count up the months. Wow. Anyway, back to what I wanted to say... I agree with what you said about how those feelings in the early days, weeks, months DO fade. Seems hard to believe they will but they really do! I am sure we all are different in what 'worked' for us... but once I finally ...FINALLY .... accepted that I couldn't moderate my consumption...I knew I had no other choice but to 'do without'. And the day I decided that was the day I found your blog Mrs D. I think my mindset coupled with YOUR amazing blog is why I will be at 18months on April 1st. But like you said, once you find your own way that works, its 100% doable!!!
ReplyDelete**And by the way the reason I get wine in the house for guests who are drinkers is because I understand completely what it is like to rely on wine and I don't judge anyone for that.**
ReplyDeleteWow, talk about graciousness personified. I have so much anxiety surrounding alcohol I don't think I could ever do that. Everyone knows when they come to our house its a "no alcohol" zone. Don't we sound like fun hosts?! lol
Fucking. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hopeful message. I will continue to examine, examine, examine and one day I will no longer crave alcohol. I can see that happening, actually, as the cravings are so much fewer and farther between than they once were. Great post, Mrs D! xoxo- Jen
ReplyDeleteMrs D, yours was the first blog I found, and the one I needed the most to read. I discovered very early on that blogs which documented frequent relapses - those were blogs I couldn't read (I can now) because it opened the door to The Fear.
ReplyDeleteBut your story and mine are very similar, except that you stopped the first time you ever hid alcohol, and I have been hiding how much I drank for years (interestingly, though, same/similar quantities), and you did it exactly the way that I wanted to do it and more importantly - the way that everybody, EVERYBODY, was saying it couldn't be done: without AA. With alcohol still in the house. With a non-inconvenienced partner.
You give me so much hope, every day, and I'm so grateful.
This has just hit the nail on the head for me! I can do the not drinking part and at 85 days the cravings are now just thoughts mostly and there is a big reduction in the noise of it, but I really struggle with the "why" of it all. I haven't really got any idea why I drank - it always just seemed easier to keep drinking than to make the effort to stop (lazy much!). I have no idea where to start or how to do this bit and I worry that is where I will trip myself up. Thanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great post Mrs D -- that is the core shift in a nutshell.
ReplyDeleteI too, like Annette, focused on your comment about keeping alcohol in the house for others, and not judging. How strong and important that seems to me! Especially for those who have a reasonable OFF switch- who probably don't really care if there is wine or not. And for those who are where I was 6 months ago- when wine seemed truly necessary to cope with life- one evening of depriving them of what seems to them (me) a necessary crutch is not a kindness. Modeling having a fun social time without alcohol, though, IS a kindness- as is mentioning, if appropriate, that one used to drink, but it stopped being fun...
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Mrs. D. I don't feel it anymore, it kind of scares me cause I'm only 8 months . There's always wine in the house because my husband drinks but I'm not tempted anymore, I, too, see it as poison and toxic.
ReplyDeleteI do still feel the pangs sometimes, mostly at the odd "perfect" sunset or bright day, when my "old" mind resurfaces to say, "A glass of wine or a cold beer would make this perfect" before my new mind has time to reassert, "This is perfect just as it is, just as I am."
ReplyDeleteHear what Mrs. D says, you will not spend the rest of your days chewing on your knuckles, mourning your loss. You will be too busy living your new shiny life.
I hope to reach that point one day Mrs D - where alcohol is in the house for guests and it not bother me. It's all out in the garage and we take it as a gift to other houses but I'm not quite trusting of myself yet around booze to be this confident. Hope indeed xx
ReplyDeleteAh, thank you Mrs D. I needed that. It's Friday night and I'm having one of those moments where I'm just REALLY PISSED OFF about not being able to drink wine. I've been having to bat away all the voices about how maybe I can, and maybe I've over reacted, maybe I just need a break from all this mad sobriety stuff (and on and on) and reading this helps me take a bit of a deep breath and go, ok, it can be done, it's just going to take more time. Breathe.. in and out... sparkling water... there's an ice cream and a movie waiting for me later... breathe... thank you.
ReplyDeleteLilly xoxoxo
I love the understanding you show to those who still rely on booze. I try to be the same way, because I truly do understand needing alcohol, and how difficult it can be to be an alcoholic (or just alcohol-dependent) houseguest. And while some might say it only encourages these drinkers, I think about what prompted me to quit, and it had nothing to do with judgment from others -- no one really knew, anyway. It was a private, personal crisis. So I don't think we're "encouraging" anything by buying wine; we're just staying neutral. They'll either continue or quit - on their own.
ReplyDeleteHilda
Hello Mrs. D!
ReplyDeleteHave I ever commented on here before? I need to figure out how to get you into my reader... can we do that, even though I'm on WP? I'm sure there's a way, and I need to work on it!
Love, love LOVE this post! I love your enthusiasm and your energy, every single person in early sobriety needs to read this! It is so true... it really and truly gets easier, then happier, then down right magical!
Also, I just replied to your comment over on my blog, I am now guessing, from what little I just read, that your book is not published yet. So bummed, I was planning on making it the first read of my vacation! No matter, I'm still first in line when it does come out!
Alright, enough commenting, time to get on to the tech work of getting you into my regular reading rotation!
I've got to be totally honest, I still think there is a place for alcohol. It's a great lubricator, makes me feel relaxed, when I'm out socializing, and, sorry to say, I sometimes still really love it. But I don't want all the bad stuff back all the hangovers & terrible consequences, so, I limit myself: I don't go out with all the old mates, the mad boozers, I go out with peeps who like a drink throughout the evening them call it a night & go home. I don't ever drink when out with my husband, or family. I rarely drink when with my daughter, these nights are still wonderful, but different and so so much better than the mad life I used to have. Neither do I drink at home & never have wine in the house. It's not perfect but I'm getting there. Thank you for you amazing blog x
ReplyDeleteHello Mrs. D, I have spent the last three days reading your blog. I am sure you get this often but I felt as if I was writing those words (albeit a little less articulately). I too have had a nasty wine habit for the past 4 years and before that my relationship with alcohol was a bit questionable. This was always off and on and easily justified. What has always stayed with me is the little voice trying to come through. You need to stop. You can't control it. When you do you kid yourself and weeks, months, years later it all creeps back. The guilt, shame, treadmill of every morning waking foggy and unsure and guilty has gotten to be too much. I have two beautiful daughters 8 and 5 and I am 39. It is time to live the rest of my life clearer, happier, more engaged and authentic. I was in this exact place last Sept. where I swore wine off for good.....I think. Well as weeks passed and clarity and confidence grew...maybe for good. I wanted to be a controlled moderate drinker more than anything and then I was... for a few weeks and then I wasn't again. So here I am, resolved that this is what I need to do. Your blog has been an inspiration to me. I found so much strength in your words and the way you keep repeating the benefits of living sober. The way you are truthful and honest about the "pangs" and feeling emotion. It was just all so close to home. I too am starting this journey alone. I don't know where it will lead. You are the first person besides my husband who knows that this is something I need and want to do. (he is obviously skeptical because he has heard it all before). This is it for me and I am feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, sad, obsessed, scared and insecure. I despise the unknown, I am so uncomfortable with it...change is one of the hardest things for me even though I know it usually brings good and growth...ughhh. I wish I could just get out of the cloud and feel a little positivity so I can get this ball rolling again,,,for good this time. This is my fourth day and I want to get to certain points where I stop counting and forget about it. I know that sounds naive because this is not easy, but this is all consuming...I am ready to be consumed in a good way, pride instead of guilt, grateful instead of scared of change...the list goes on.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I am sure you have thousands of emails like this but I wanted to reach out. Again, you are the first person that I have even "told" or connected with which is a testament to your beautiful story and they way you share it.
PS: My husband and I spent a month in your beautiful country for our honeymoon. It was one of the best times of my life. I can't wait to come back with my girls and I can't wait to not feel sad about going and not being able to enjoy the wine at all of the beautiful vineyards....if that makes any sense.
My apologies for the rambling.
Hey Mrs D, You are gorgeous yourself. What a great post, and such amazing comments that have followed. I cannot say it enough, I am proud of you. Love from Mrs B xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Mrs D. Your blog is amazing, I have been avidly reading it ever since I found out about it. I hope I have the strength and courage to get to where you are.
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely brilliant! I can't wait to be in exactly the same place you are now!!! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHello there, thank you for this, I'm afraid of when the fight begins in my head, as I know it will soon. I am another soon to be 40 year old mother with a job and a house and a husband and a life I want to live longer than a massive secret wine habit is likely to allow. I'm on day 4 and have been looking a lot at the early days of successful sober bloggers. Hope that the voices won't sink me this time is so important.
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