I actually got up this morning and instead of showering put my swimsuit on under my clothes and drove the boys to school intending to head straight to the pool to swim some lengths. Hard out swimming, swimming, swimming to get some of the nervous energy out of my body. I haven't done that for years!
But when I bloody got there the pool was closed for maintenance. Can you bloody believe it!!!!!!!!
So here I am home again and will instead do some housework with the music turned up loud.
Yes there is a part of me that is freaking out about the media that is about to come out with my book being released… and that fact that I am exposing myself so widely … but then yesterday I thought to myself that I can choose to head into this phase of my life with nerves and fear.. or I can choose to head into this phase of my life with energy and excitement.
I choose the latter…! Energy and excitement! But will take measures to help with the nerves and fear that will creep in from time-to-time. Hence the swimming that wasn't. Maybe tomorrow.
The thing is it might seem like I'm doing this all on my own.. exposing my big dark demon, sobbing on the tele as I recount my last drinking days.. showing everyone all my truths. Yes it's just me. But what people won't be able to see - and what I feel so keenly - is the massive bubble of support that I have behind me.
Because the truth is I'm not alone. I've just one member of a massive community of like-minded men and women. I've actually formed this image in my mind of me standing alone (in my pink onesie) and a ginormous hot-air balloon sized bubble floating up around me .. grey and shimmery and ghostly.. like magic.. made up of faceless but ever-present and very lovely and grounding people.
You - the online recovery community. We are all in this together. And just because I'm enough of a show-off to get my face on the tele and in a magazine doesn't mean this is all about me. This is about all of us. This is about demonstrating that so many of us ordinary, everyday people can't control the drug of alcohol... so we dig deep, do some amazing, brave hard work, take it away and live sober.
I've started making myself a little inspiration board .. have printed off some of the amazing comments that I've been getting lately and stuck them on there.. I'll keep adding to it. Because you guys are here with me and I really appreciate it. You are giving me strength.
Love, Mrs D xxx