Sorry I've gotten a bit slack about posting. Not sure if anyone cares but I used to write religiously two times a week and now it's fallen back to once. Partly I think this is because I'm busy putting energy into getting our new house running smoothly and getting life going in our new city. Also I think I was getting a bit sick of having to be a bit low and negative on here all the time. Things weren't really fun there for a while with the house sale and relocation, and I was struggling with some pretty strong emotions that just weren't shifting away.
Also another reason for pulling back on the posting is, I think, that the more time that goes on and the more intrenched my 'non-drinking' habit becomes the more it becomes the norm. Everything isn't so shiny and sober-new any more. New occurrences and instances just aren't happening as often as they used to. It's all a bit same-same now, so I'm not compelled to share as much. I may wrap things up here soon.
But I feel like a re-cap so let me summarise:
I used to drink a shit-load of wine. At home mostly. Found it hard to stop drinking once I began. Glasses were filled to the rim and the top slurped down immediately. Averaging a bottle a night, sometimes less, sometimes more. Would do deals with myself over which nights I could binge and which I'd go easy ('coz I'd like to go to the gym the next day'). From the outside it seemed like a socially acceptable normal-if-not-a-little-enthusiastic drinking habit. But I knew differently, that on the inside it was very very dysfunctional and becoming more so with every passing year. I was obsessed with wine.
Hit my lowest point (a 'high bottom' compared with other bottoms some might say), when I hid a nearly empty bottle of wine from Mr D at the back of our pot cupboard so he didn't know how much I'd had while he'd been out with the boys at scouts. That was it for me. I knew that was the beginning of a very slippery sloop. That the sly wine-drinking fox inside me was beginning to dominate more and more. So I kicked that fox to the curb and haven't touched a drop since September 6th last year.
Since then I have never been seriously tempted to drink. I have wine and beer in the house, even buy it for Mr D and other family members who I know love to drink. I have been to parties, four bloody weddings (can you believe that??!! Four bloody weddings and not even one year sober yet!), red-tie dinners, quiz nights, celebratory lunches and dance parties. I have celebrated Christmas and New Year, birthdays, new jobs, house sales and wedding anniversaries. I have dealt with the stress of selling a house and relocating cities and the grief at leaving a wonderful community of supportive people. And never once have I seriously considered picking up a glass and sipping wine. I do not want to go back to being that boozy woman that I was steadily losing respect for. I do not want to go back to that.
But I was extremely surprised to discover as the months went on that my steady heavy drinking habit was me actually choosing to live life by squashing down emotions, or pushing them aside constantly. If wine is present in my body and affecting my brain I found it easier to cope with everything! I liked having a little mental buzz removing myself ever so slightly (or sometimes majorly) from reality.
Therefore what I have struggled with most is re-learning how to live with everything stripped bare. How to truly live sober. It's sobering being sober. Life is stripped back. Emotions are laid bare. There ain't no hiding from anything no more.
It's fucking fantastic. Make no bones about that. I love being sober. I respect myself, I really enjoy going out and socializing sober and coming home sober and cleaning my face sober and putting on night cream sober and sleeping soberly (deeply and heavily) all night long. I love it. So even when I do whine and moan about being sad or stressed or grumpy or angry, it never means I'm wanting a drink. I'm just feeling - really feeling - that's all.
The quiz night I mentioned before was actually last night. A work function for Mr D's company. Some were boozing pretty hard. Some weren't. I didn't give a toss that I wasn't. But I did have a chuckle to myself when I won a spot-prize of a $50 bar tab!! Ha ha!! If only they all knew. I've given it to Mr D to take his team out for a drink next week. That felt good.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Boozing has it's attractions...
In some ways a boozy existence is actually an easier one I reckon. Even though you feel ill a lot of the time and guilty and dysfunctional (which I did), when you booze regularly as a means of emotion suppressing it's easier to live a cruisy, breezy life.
I practiced emotion-suppressing (heavy, steady drinking) for all of my adult life and as a result I was able to sail through times of stress, sadness or hurt relatively easily. I could escape a lot with the help of my companion vino.
As I've written before my boozing was high-functioning boozing. I ran a seemingly healthy life with good relationships but I kept my feelings at bay constantly by always dulling myself with wine. I look now at people still doing that with a bit of envy.
It would be really nice to have an escape. It would be really really nice to be able to reach for something that, in the short term at least, makes life easier to handle. That's the attraction of boozing. That's why we did it. It helps with pain.
So take away the booze and what helps with dealing with that emotional pain? Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes you just have to feel the goddamn pain and let it out.
For me this means I cry a lot more (I'm getting used to not caring if people see my cry. Not much chance of hiding my tears lately). This also means I'm angrier more and am less tolerant with my kids (especially at the end of a long day). I hate this, it makes me feel really guilty and I'm trying hard to stop doing it while also trying not to beat myself up about it.
What else can you do in place of boozing? Exercise is good I suppose and I am off to a new gym now for my introduction session. Let me be clear about me and exercise. I don't particularly like it. I'm not sporty. I have flat feet. But if I don't exercise I don't feel so good so I put it in my life as a priority because it makes me feel better. Mentally and physically. I usually only go 2 times a week, sometimes 3. But I'm smart enough now to just put it in place and treat it like putting out the garbage. Something that has to be done.
Being sober means I've kind of become more measured, more serious perhaps. I can't be breezy and cheery all the time anymore. I can't suppress emotions, push them aside and pretend (believe) that everything is just fine. Everything isn't fine all of the time and being sober means doing it raw, baby. I said to someone the other day it's like I'm on a mechanical bull of emotion and it's tossing me this way and that. But don't worry, I'm holding tight to the reigns and won't let go.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I practiced emotion-suppressing (heavy, steady drinking) for all of my adult life and as a result I was able to sail through times of stress, sadness or hurt relatively easily. I could escape a lot with the help of my companion vino.
As I've written before my boozing was high-functioning boozing. I ran a seemingly healthy life with good relationships but I kept my feelings at bay constantly by always dulling myself with wine. I look now at people still doing that with a bit of envy.
It would be really nice to have an escape. It would be really really nice to be able to reach for something that, in the short term at least, makes life easier to handle. That's the attraction of boozing. That's why we did it. It helps with pain.
So take away the booze and what helps with dealing with that emotional pain? Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes you just have to feel the goddamn pain and let it out.
For me this means I cry a lot more (I'm getting used to not caring if people see my cry. Not much chance of hiding my tears lately). This also means I'm angrier more and am less tolerant with my kids (especially at the end of a long day). I hate this, it makes me feel really guilty and I'm trying hard to stop doing it while also trying not to beat myself up about it.
What else can you do in place of boozing? Exercise is good I suppose and I am off to a new gym now for my introduction session. Let me be clear about me and exercise. I don't particularly like it. I'm not sporty. I have flat feet. But if I don't exercise I don't feel so good so I put it in my life as a priority because it makes me feel better. Mentally and physically. I usually only go 2 times a week, sometimes 3. But I'm smart enough now to just put it in place and treat it like putting out the garbage. Something that has to be done.
Being sober means I've kind of become more measured, more serious perhaps. I can't be breezy and cheery all the time anymore. I can't suppress emotions, push them aside and pretend (believe) that everything is just fine. Everything isn't fine all of the time and being sober means doing it raw, baby. I said to someone the other day it's like I'm on a mechanical bull of emotion and it's tossing me this way and that. But don't worry, I'm holding tight to the reigns and won't let go.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Friday, June 15, 2012
Turning a corner
I took my boys in to their new school to visit their classrooms today which was great. Everyone was totally welcoming and the Deputy Principal who was taking us in went to great lengths to introduce me to the teachers and some of the parents as well. One mum in my 5-year-old's class said to me 'I must get your email address because we have a class list and sometimes us parents get together for drinks of an evening.'
So there it was right there .. my reality. I am a new person meeting new people in a new city and there's this fact about me which could be seen as semi-embarrassing or shameful.
But you know what. I honestly just cannot be bothered worrying what anyone is going to think. I just can't waste the energy. It is a bummer. It's a fact. It's part of me. I'm an alcoholic and I no longer drink alcohol because I was finding it too hard to control.
And you know what else, I just can't be bothered fudging it either. If people want to think whatever then let them think whatever. I will be open I think and go along to any social gathering like a normal person (of course I am a normal person but you know what I mean!) and when the actual drinks-being-poured-into-a-glass moment comes I'll say 'no wine for me thanks I don't drink alcohol'. And at that point I'll let the other person decide if they want to show a reaction or ask a question and if they do I'll just be up front and say 'I used to be a very enthusiastic wine drinker but I was finding it harder and harder to control so I've cut it out altogether.'
That is an over-simplification of all the emotional and intellectual work that I have been doing over the past couple of years to building up to stopping and then stopping and re-learning how to live without alcohol. But it is the truth! And if that breezy answer makes the whole process I've been through seem more easy than it has been then that can be my lie. If I make it breezy it won't be a drama, for me or for them.
On another note, I think I've turned a corner in terms of how I'm feeling with the house-sale and relocation and stuff. I have been indulging in two naughty behaviors over the past few weeks to help me deal with the stress and strong emotions - shopping and being piggy. But just in the last couple of days I've felt myself getting stronger again and pulling back from both (refrained from scoffing the last of my 2-year-old's chocolate chip muffin today and decided against buying a crafty rug online for the new family room). I still feel sad and a bit flat... but I'm definitely starting to relax, and am sleeping through the night again for the first time in weeks. Next step - find a gym to join and get exercising again!
Love, Mrs D xxx
So there it was right there .. my reality. I am a new person meeting new people in a new city and there's this fact about me which could be seen as semi-embarrassing or shameful.
But you know what. I honestly just cannot be bothered worrying what anyone is going to think. I just can't waste the energy. It is a bummer. It's a fact. It's part of me. I'm an alcoholic and I no longer drink alcohol because I was finding it too hard to control.
And you know what else, I just can't be bothered fudging it either. If people want to think whatever then let them think whatever. I will be open I think and go along to any social gathering like a normal person (of course I am a normal person but you know what I mean!) and when the actual drinks-being-poured-into-a-glass moment comes I'll say 'no wine for me thanks I don't drink alcohol'. And at that point I'll let the other person decide if they want to show a reaction or ask a question and if they do I'll just be up front and say 'I used to be a very enthusiastic wine drinker but I was finding it harder and harder to control so I've cut it out altogether.'
That is an over-simplification of all the emotional and intellectual work that I have been doing over the past couple of years to building up to stopping and then stopping and re-learning how to live without alcohol. But it is the truth! And if that breezy answer makes the whole process I've been through seem more easy than it has been then that can be my lie. If I make it breezy it won't be a drama, for me or for them.
On another note, I think I've turned a corner in terms of how I'm feeling with the house-sale and relocation and stuff. I have been indulging in two naughty behaviors over the past few weeks to help me deal with the stress and strong emotions - shopping and being piggy. But just in the last couple of days I've felt myself getting stronger again and pulling back from both (refrained from scoffing the last of my 2-year-old's chocolate chip muffin today and decided against buying a crafty rug online for the new family room). I still feel sad and a bit flat... but I'm definitely starting to relax, and am sleeping through the night again for the first time in weeks. Next step - find a gym to join and get exercising again!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Monday, June 11, 2012
Made it!
I put that exclamation mark in the post title on purpose. I'm trying to sound upbeat. Like 'woo hoo made it to the new city yee haa!!!'. When really the reality is sadly a little more flat and downbeat. I'm just bloody tired and completely worn out and sick of people being around (started 4 weeks ago with real estate agents and potential buyers constantly and now it's movers and unpackers constantly) and unfortunately the excitement I thought was going to come hasn't. Yet.
The house is an absolute bombsite still, just crap and boxes everywhere and sooooooo much to do to get it to a place where I can relax into it. And in the days and week(s) ahead there is a lot of taking the boys to the new school and scouts and rugby and stuff so it's all just still very busy and will requre a lot of extra energy meeting new people.
And tonight I really really thought a drink would be nice and when I was walking around the new store in the new suburb grabbing things like weetbix and lillies and batteries and light bulbs I passed the wine section and actually allowed myself to have a fully blown fantasy about drinking red wine. Just drinking drinking drinking lots of red wine.
Don't be silly of course I didn't buy any but I was fully aware of the fact that I'm exhausted and strung out and wrung out and still sad and just unsettled I suppose and pined a bit for some escape.
But not for this lady, no siree bob. I'm charging through this whole experience raw, man. On the edge of reality. It's all real here baby-o. No blurring the edges of this little-ole life. Uh-uh.
Told you I was tired, this is silly talk. Can't. Form. Sentences. Tonight.
But anyway if I didn't have a blog I wouldn't write about it I'd just get on with it so maybe that's what I'll do. Plus it's the first night here and I should be sleeping. So night-night.
Love, Mrs D xx
The house is an absolute bombsite still, just crap and boxes everywhere and sooooooo much to do to get it to a place where I can relax into it. And in the days and week(s) ahead there is a lot of taking the boys to the new school and scouts and rugby and stuff so it's all just still very busy and will requre a lot of extra energy meeting new people.
And tonight I really really thought a drink would be nice and when I was walking around the new store in the new suburb grabbing things like weetbix and lillies and batteries and light bulbs I passed the wine section and actually allowed myself to have a fully blown fantasy about drinking red wine. Just drinking drinking drinking lots of red wine.
Don't be silly of course I didn't buy any but I was fully aware of the fact that I'm exhausted and strung out and wrung out and still sad and just unsettled I suppose and pined a bit for some escape.
But not for this lady, no siree bob. I'm charging through this whole experience raw, man. On the edge of reality. It's all real here baby-o. No blurring the edges of this little-ole life. Uh-uh.
Told you I was tired, this is silly talk. Can't. Form. Sentences. Tonight.
But anyway if I didn't have a blog I wouldn't write about it I'd just get on with it so maybe that's what I'll do. Plus it's the first night here and I should be sleeping. So night-night.
Love, Mrs D xx
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Here we go...
After I wrote that last post I went and vacuumed the car ready for our road-trip to the new city. Then I hit. the. wall. Absolutely hit the wall. Just collapsed, all the stress and adrenaline from the house-sale finally got to me and I had to get into bed and sleep for two hours. In the afternoon! Haven't done that since I was pregnant.
My face has now broken out in zits and I'm really exhausted from waking every morning at 4-5am with a million details running around in my brain. The sadness has come back, all my lovely friends are giving me sweet gifts and saying nice things about the time we've shared, there are a lot of tears from everyone. This is like an endless rolling excruciating farewell and I'm so over it. I'm sorry I'm so over it, I hate this sadness, I just want to get out of here now.
I cried in bed last night watching some crap on tele, and I had some pangs about never drinking again which shows that I'm feeling vulnerable. Those pangs can piss off.
Anyway, onward and upwards! I just want to get the goodbyes over with now and get the fuck out of dodge. The house is full of boxes and we're down to our suitcases which will go into the car tomorrow. We're taking a few days to drive to the new city and will meet the truck at our rental there early next week.
So ... see you on the other side. By then I will have shed many more tears but hopefully the excitement about things to come will have come to the fore more.
Love, Mrs D xxx
My face has now broken out in zits and I'm really exhausted from waking every morning at 4-5am with a million details running around in my brain. The sadness has come back, all my lovely friends are giving me sweet gifts and saying nice things about the time we've shared, there are a lot of tears from everyone. This is like an endless rolling excruciating farewell and I'm so over it. I'm sorry I'm so over it, I hate this sadness, I just want to get out of here now.
I cried in bed last night watching some crap on tele, and I had some pangs about never drinking again which shows that I'm feeling vulnerable. Those pangs can piss off.
Anyway, onward and upwards! I just want to get the goodbyes over with now and get the fuck out of dodge. The house is full of boxes and we're down to our suitcases which will go into the car tomorrow. We're taking a few days to drive to the new city and will meet the truck at our rental there early next week.
So ... see you on the other side. By then I will have shed many more tears but hopefully the excitement about things to come will have come to the fore more.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Two dresses!!!
I was talking to a neighbor, who I've always suspected to be a boozer, and I was telling her the amazing story of our last-minute house sale (YES!) and for some reason I then told her that I'd given up the booze, that I used to be a really hard-out wine drinker but that I'd kicked it to the curb about 9 months ago. She was so funny, she honestly seemed more interested and impressed with the fact that I'd been a fellow drinker and even said 'I wish I'd known I would have been over more often'!!! Like dude, I've just told you I've given it up because it was getting way too heavy...and you're regretting that you'd never shared in the habit with me??!! How funny people are.
I could sense she thought I'd turned boring, and that was a good experience for me to have in that moment, to be aware that she thought I was now boring. Because there will be people I come across now that will consider me a boring teetotaler. And they'll be the boozers.
Boozers will always think I'm boring. That I'm just going to have to accept. In a boozers eye I will be a boring non-drinker. I know this because I used to think all non-drinkers were boring nerds, but as we all know, I was a boozer.
Just after our house sold (YES!) when we were chatting to the buyers (just as excited as we were) the Real Estate agents broke out the bubbles for everyone to celebrate. I had to quickly say 'not for me thanks' which she didn't really hear so I had to repeat it, and everyone sort of laughed (it was a very emotionally heightened situation) and I didn't explain or anything, just said 'not for me' again and she went and filled my flute with water. It didn't matter. And I didn't give a shit. I don't want to be a drinker. I'm happy being a non-drinker. I can remember being that boozer lady and I so don't want to be her again. I far prefer how I feel about myself now.
Mr D commented yesterday that I'm such a changed woman. He was being lovely saying things like 'vibrant' and 'alive'. I said to him isn't it amazing how I just totally changed my life? Thank god I did. If I hadn't changed my drinking habit I would never have realised what I could become - a much more alert and in-control version of myself. Sorry if that sounds a bit self-satisfied. I think I'm still in a hyper-alert state with all that is going on.
Anyway, after the house-sale papers were signed (YES!) I popped off to the mall to buy a big suitcase so I can start packing up the house now. I decided on a whim that in lieu of celebratory champagne I would buy myself something lovely to wear. So I did. Two things actually. Hence the post title.....!
Love, Mrs D xxx
I could sense she thought I'd turned boring, and that was a good experience for me to have in that moment, to be aware that she thought I was now boring. Because there will be people I come across now that will consider me a boring teetotaler. And they'll be the boozers.
Boozers will always think I'm boring. That I'm just going to have to accept. In a boozers eye I will be a boring non-drinker. I know this because I used to think all non-drinkers were boring nerds, but as we all know, I was a boozer.
Just after our house sold (YES!) when we were chatting to the buyers (just as excited as we were) the Real Estate agents broke out the bubbles for everyone to celebrate. I had to quickly say 'not for me thanks' which she didn't really hear so I had to repeat it, and everyone sort of laughed (it was a very emotionally heightened situation) and I didn't explain or anything, just said 'not for me' again and she went and filled my flute with water. It didn't matter. And I didn't give a shit. I don't want to be a drinker. I'm happy being a non-drinker. I can remember being that boozer lady and I so don't want to be her again. I far prefer how I feel about myself now.
Mr D commented yesterday that I'm such a changed woman. He was being lovely saying things like 'vibrant' and 'alive'. I said to him isn't it amazing how I just totally changed my life? Thank god I did. If I hadn't changed my drinking habit I would never have realised what I could become - a much more alert and in-control version of myself. Sorry if that sounds a bit self-satisfied. I think I'm still in a hyper-alert state with all that is going on.
Anyway, after the house-sale papers were signed (YES!) I popped off to the mall to buy a big suitcase so I can start packing up the house now. I decided on a whim that in lieu of celebratory champagne I would buy myself something lovely to wear. So I did. Two things actually. Hence the post title.....!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Nerves and anxiety...
I am so fucking wound up (pardon my french) and anxious I've got nerves in the pit of my tummy that won't go away. Aaarrgghh!!! It's the house sale - the auction is tomorrow and I'm convinced it's not going to sell, I'm paranoid as all hell and really anxious. It's awful! Could hardly sleep last night. I really really really need to chill out.
Is this normal fear when selling a house? I don't know I've never sold one before. We've had loads of people through and a decent number of 'registrations' of interest but registration doesn't mean bidder and for some reason I've just convinced myself no-one will want it and we'll have to make other plans.
I'm sure this feeling of dread is exacerbated by the fact that from next Wed movers will be here packing up our house and from Friday we are gone and on to the next chapter. The whole thing is coming to a head and I have to keep myself calm. Calm. Calm.
All that cold hard reality and no escape. That's why wine is so appealing. It dulls, takes the edge off, smooths out, eases. Well not for this mama. This wound up, anxious, nervous, tired, stressed out mama is doing it sober and it's hard. It's HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breath in. Breath out. Slowly. Breath in. Breath out. Everything's going to be alright. Light your bloody scented candle and chill out.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Is this normal fear when selling a house? I don't know I've never sold one before. We've had loads of people through and a decent number of 'registrations' of interest but registration doesn't mean bidder and for some reason I've just convinced myself no-one will want it and we'll have to make other plans.
I'm sure this feeling of dread is exacerbated by the fact that from next Wed movers will be here packing up our house and from Friday we are gone and on to the next chapter. The whole thing is coming to a head and I have to keep myself calm. Calm. Calm.
All that cold hard reality and no escape. That's why wine is so appealing. It dulls, takes the edge off, smooths out, eases. Well not for this mama. This wound up, anxious, nervous, tired, stressed out mama is doing it sober and it's hard. It's HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breath in. Breath out. Slowly. Breath in. Breath out. Everything's going to be alright. Light your bloody scented candle and chill out.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Sobriety date...
Had a farewell lunch with a bunch of girlfriends yesterday. 9 of us went to a tapas restaurant in town. Was really lovely and fun. Low-key and sweet and a little bit sad. There was a moment after we first arrived when drinks were being ordered and I felt a bit of a pang that I wasn't having wine with the rest of them. There was some talk of 'cocktails and mocktails' but that idea got abandoned and they went for a Sav Blanc instead and I ordered a homemade lemonata.
I always seem to find it a little bit hard at that moment when the drinks are first being ordered or poured. When the energy in the room changes and there's a fissure of excitement - alcohol is entering the room! - excitement mixed with a little naughtiness and fun. I feel a bit awkward and don't know what to say or kind of where to look and inside of me I feel sad. I worked pretty hard yesterday at pushing that thought away and sure enough 15 minutes later when the drinks were all out and we had moved on into just chatting and looking at menus and I didn't care that my glass wasn't filled with wine.
They had 2 bottles between 8 of them so it was hardly a boozy lunch. If I'd have been drinking I would have suggested 'Bubbles!!' to start with and then wine probably. I would have gone home with a little buzz on and gone on to drink a bottle or more at home. I keep reminding myself about that. How if I started drinking when out I would head home with only the thought of continuing drinking at home. Once I started I wouldn't stop. There was lots of sad determined drinking done in the home. It might not have looked sad from the outside but I think of it as extremely sad.
I don't want to slip into complacency when it comes to my sobriety. I think of my brain as a muscle which is going to keep needing to be exercised to remember why I gave up, and how dysfunctional my drinking was, in the last few years especially.
I went on a great crafty website yesterday and bought myself a lovely silver pendant that you could get personalized on the back. I asked them to put "6 September, 2011" on it, which is my sobriety date. I'm still taking this really seriously. I think the more time that goes on and the more used to living sober I am the more active I have to stay in my resolve to stay off the booze. I'm reminding myself in the mornings how I used to feel when hungover, and am taking the time to pause and breath and think about my body and my mind and how clear it is. How differently I would feel right now if I were chugging back the wines like I used to (especially with all this stress associated with the move, I can't believe in 2 weeks everything will change).
Next thing to think about .. what do I say to all the new people I am going to meet about why I don't drink?
Love, Mrs D xxx
I always seem to find it a little bit hard at that moment when the drinks are first being ordered or poured. When the energy in the room changes and there's a fissure of excitement - alcohol is entering the room! - excitement mixed with a little naughtiness and fun. I feel a bit awkward and don't know what to say or kind of where to look and inside of me I feel sad. I worked pretty hard yesterday at pushing that thought away and sure enough 15 minutes later when the drinks were all out and we had moved on into just chatting and looking at menus and I didn't care that my glass wasn't filled with wine.
They had 2 bottles between 8 of them so it was hardly a boozy lunch. If I'd have been drinking I would have suggested 'Bubbles!!' to start with and then wine probably. I would have gone home with a little buzz on and gone on to drink a bottle or more at home. I keep reminding myself about that. How if I started drinking when out I would head home with only the thought of continuing drinking at home. Once I started I wouldn't stop. There was lots of sad determined drinking done in the home. It might not have looked sad from the outside but I think of it as extremely sad.
I don't want to slip into complacency when it comes to my sobriety. I think of my brain as a muscle which is going to keep needing to be exercised to remember why I gave up, and how dysfunctional my drinking was, in the last few years especially.
I went on a great crafty website yesterday and bought myself a lovely silver pendant that you could get personalized on the back. I asked them to put "6 September, 2011" on it, which is my sobriety date. I'm still taking this really seriously. I think the more time that goes on and the more used to living sober I am the more active I have to stay in my resolve to stay off the booze. I'm reminding myself in the mornings how I used to feel when hungover, and am taking the time to pause and breath and think about my body and my mind and how clear it is. How differently I would feel right now if I were chugging back the wines like I used to (especially with all this stress associated with the move, I can't believe in 2 weeks everything will change).
Next thing to think about .. what do I say to all the new people I am going to meet about why I don't drink?
Love, Mrs D xxx
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Nearly there...
We've entered the final phase of the relocation now. Mr D has already moved to the new city and will be back on weekends. Me and the boys plus all our stuff follow in 3 weeks. The house is being auctioned next week and people are popping in every now and then during the week to view, plus open homes are on the weekends so it needs to be kept in a permanent state of 'show'. It's hard to relax fully and I think I'm emotionally distancing myself from the place, just want it to sell, so it doesn't feel like our warm family home any more. But that's ok. I know this phase will pass ..
The kids are sick and getting wound up about the move so they're taking extra nurturing through this final phase, and everyone keeps saying to me 'take care of you' because I can't get to the gym when I've got kids home from school. My lovely family (most of whom live elsewhere) are worried that I'm tired and stressed, which I am, but that's because this is tiring and stressful. I keep wanting to say to anyone who tells me kindly to look after myself ... I am!! I'm looking after myself in the biggest way possible for me, in that I am not drinking alcohol. People forget.
I chose to look after myself on September 6th last year when I chose to remove alcohol from my life. And I take extra care of myself every day that I stick to that resolve. I love being a non drinker. Sometimes I have pangs of fear that people will consider me boring. Sometimes I feel bummed that I can't escape gritty feelings with a wine or 5. Sometimes I get sick of being quick to anger or tears or boredom. But I never ever consider actually having a drink. I'm bigger than that goddamn liquid. And if anyone considers me boring I don't care. I'd rather be boring but at peace feeling contented inside than crazy (boozy) fun and fraught with guilt and dysfunction.
I'm trying to do other things like have bubble baths at night and burn scented candles (you know what, I've just decided I'm going to drive into town today and get myself a new Jo Malone one at vast expense - bugger it), and I drink lots and lots and lots of flavored green teas. To use a well worn cliche I feel fully connected emotionally with what is going on, and especially when it comes to the kids that is wonderful because I want to really be there for them during this nervous time for them.
This is a big test during the first year of sobriety, no doubt about it. But all I have to do is not drink. I think I can manage that.
Love, Mrs D xxx
The kids are sick and getting wound up about the move so they're taking extra nurturing through this final phase, and everyone keeps saying to me 'take care of you' because I can't get to the gym when I've got kids home from school. My lovely family (most of whom live elsewhere) are worried that I'm tired and stressed, which I am, but that's because this is tiring and stressful. I keep wanting to say to anyone who tells me kindly to look after myself ... I am!! I'm looking after myself in the biggest way possible for me, in that I am not drinking alcohol. People forget.
I chose to look after myself on September 6th last year when I chose to remove alcohol from my life. And I take extra care of myself every day that I stick to that resolve. I love being a non drinker. Sometimes I have pangs of fear that people will consider me boring. Sometimes I feel bummed that I can't escape gritty feelings with a wine or 5. Sometimes I get sick of being quick to anger or tears or boredom. But I never ever consider actually having a drink. I'm bigger than that goddamn liquid. And if anyone considers me boring I don't care. I'd rather be boring but at peace feeling contented inside than crazy (boozy) fun and fraught with guilt and dysfunction.
I'm trying to do other things like have bubble baths at night and burn scented candles (you know what, I've just decided I'm going to drive into town today and get myself a new Jo Malone one at vast expense - bugger it), and I drink lots and lots and lots of flavored green teas. To use a well worn cliche I feel fully connected emotionally with what is going on, and especially when it comes to the kids that is wonderful because I want to really be there for them during this nervous time for them.
This is a big test during the first year of sobriety, no doubt about it. But all I have to do is not drink. I think I can manage that.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Friday, May 18, 2012
Surprisingly helpful
While there are many interesting things about someone reading my blog, which is all about my thoughts and feelings after giving up alcohol and learning how to live sober, getting snippy with me and telling me to 'go have a drink PLEASE and stop all the whining' ... it was actually a surprisingly helpful comment.
Because yes, anonymous, I could stop all the whining and go and have a drink (or 3 or 5). In fact that's what I could have chosen to do in that moment the other night when I was finding things hard. The kitchen was in chaos, there was rice all over the floor left over from dinner, the kids were screaming in the bath and the champagne was in the fridge ready for our friends who were coming over. I was exhausted (insomnia), stressed (did I mention we're relocating?!), and grumpy, and I was throwing myself a pity party.
I could have in that moment gone to the fridge and grabbed a beer or poured myself a wine and drunk it. Drunk it, drunk it, drunk it. I could have stopped all the gritty feelings and had some alcohol. Just have some alcohol!!!! (I hear you cry). Stop all the bloody whining and moaning and have some goddam bloody alcohol, it's not hard. You just pour .. bend your elbow .. open your throat and in it goes. Easy. Easy, easy, easy. Easy way out.
But I didn't do that. I jumped on the computer, navigated to my blog and vented in a short and sharp (unusual) way for myself, refusing to sign off or give kisses. Then .... I felt better. I got up, got the vacuum out and started cleaning up the mess. Got the kids in their PJs, put chips in a bowl and got hummus out of the fridge and got out four champagne flutes.
When our friends arrived I poured lemon, lime and bitters into my glass and clinked 'congratulations!' with the rest of them and sat and chatted for two hours. Went to bed, slept like crap, but woke up without a hangover. Because I didn't stop whining and have a drink. I whined. I whined and I felt better.
It's such a head game this sobriety. Sometimes you want to throw a pity party and whine about not being able to drink, because you want attention or recognition or just to be self-indulgent. Sometimes you feel great and powerful and so happy to be sober (especially when there are tragic drunks around you).. and sometimes (and these times grow so so slowly but they do grow) you just don't think about alcohol at all and just live.
So when the snippy anonymous comment came a couple of days later, after I had recovered from feeling a little slapped, it actually made me feel better. Yeah, you're right. I could stop whining and just take a bloody drink, but I didn't, and there's nofuckingway that's what I'm ever going to do. The comment made me imagine having done that and I felt sick. Thank god I didn't. So cheers for the hard attitude because I can push back and stay sober. You watch me. And anyway, if you read to the end of that snippy comment, there's a very powerful line ... 'And you'll see how much you don't need it anyway'.
Cheers to that.
Love, Mrs D xxx
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Because yes, anonymous, I could stop all the whining and go and have a drink (or 3 or 5). In fact that's what I could have chosen to do in that moment the other night when I was finding things hard. The kitchen was in chaos, there was rice all over the floor left over from dinner, the kids were screaming in the bath and the champagne was in the fridge ready for our friends who were coming over. I was exhausted (insomnia), stressed (did I mention we're relocating?!), and grumpy, and I was throwing myself a pity party.
I could have in that moment gone to the fridge and grabbed a beer or poured myself a wine and drunk it. Drunk it, drunk it, drunk it. I could have stopped all the gritty feelings and had some alcohol. Just have some alcohol!!!! (I hear you cry). Stop all the bloody whining and moaning and have some goddam bloody alcohol, it's not hard. You just pour .. bend your elbow .. open your throat and in it goes. Easy. Easy, easy, easy. Easy way out.
But I didn't do that. I jumped on the computer, navigated to my blog and vented in a short and sharp (unusual) way for myself, refusing to sign off or give kisses. Then .... I felt better. I got up, got the vacuum out and started cleaning up the mess. Got the kids in their PJs, put chips in a bowl and got hummus out of the fridge and got out four champagne flutes.
When our friends arrived I poured lemon, lime and bitters into my glass and clinked 'congratulations!' with the rest of them and sat and chatted for two hours. Went to bed, slept like crap, but woke up without a hangover. Because I didn't stop whining and have a drink. I whined. I whined and I felt better.
It's such a head game this sobriety. Sometimes you want to throw a pity party and whine about not being able to drink, because you want attention or recognition or just to be self-indulgent. Sometimes you feel great and powerful and so happy to be sober (especially when there are tragic drunks around you).. and sometimes (and these times grow so so slowly but they do grow) you just don't think about alcohol at all and just live.
So when the snippy anonymous comment came a couple of days later, after I had recovered from feeling a little slapped, it actually made me feel better. Yeah, you're right. I could stop whining and just take a bloody drink, but I didn't, and there's nofuckingway that's what I'm ever going to do. The comment made me imagine having done that and I felt sick. Thank god I didn't. So cheers for the hard attitude because I can push back and stay sober. You watch me. And anyway, if you read to the end of that snippy comment, there's a very powerful line ... 'And you'll see how much you don't need it anyway'.
Cheers to that.
Love, Mrs D xxx
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