I hate to say this and be all boring and low and flat and introspective but this weekend has felt really colourless and frankly quite hard work. I just keep thinking that I am the most boring person in the world and everyone else is having way more fun than me and they're going to always have a better life because they can relax with a drink or two or even get a bit naughty and have 4 or 5 and I'm just going to be boring sober uptight person.
Told you this was going to be a bit negative. Sorry.
I just feel pissed off, that it's not fair and no-one is making me do this. In fact no-one ever told me I had to stop drinking, it was only me telling myself. And now this weekend I've been telling myself that that is a really kill-joy idea.
I'm not even slightly contemplating having a drink I'm just being pissed off and grumpy and flat and sorry for myself. I mean why would you choose to have a weekend like this when I could just be having a weekend like I have for the past ten or twenty years looking forward to a few drinks each night, laughing and having fun with Mr D and the kids.
Yeah I know. It stopped being fun and the hangovers were terrible and I was a more grumpy mummy and I was squashing down my emotions and I was spending too much money and the drinking usually led to over eating and really this is a much better way to live.
I just hope this is a 'getting used to living sober' weekend and not a weekend I'm going to have regularly from now on.
Oh and by the bloody way why hasn't stopping pouring copious amounts of wine down my throat led to significant weight loss? Eh?? Eh?? Answer me that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now to transcribe a passage from a book I'm reading on drugs by Andrew Weil and others called 'From Chocolate to Morphine'..
"We think that addiction is a basic human problem whose roots go very deep. Most of us have at some point been wounded, no matter what kind of family we grew up in or what kind of society we live in. We long for a sense of completeness and wholeness and whatever satisfaction we gain from drugs, food, sex, money, and other "sources" of pleasure really comes from inside of us. That is, we project our power onto external substances and activities, allowing them to make us feel better temporarily. This is a very strange sort of magic. We give away our power in exchange for a transient sense of wholeness, then suffer because the object of our craving seems to control us. Addiction can be cured only when we consciously experience this process, reclaim our power, and recognise that our wounds must be healed from within."
Love, Mrs D xxx
"a very strange sort of magic" indeed - there is so much to do with magic in addiction. There is some kind of magic in addiction, definitely.
ReplyDeleteThere's heaps out there about this feeling you are living - it is a curious mix of loss, mourning and jealousy.
There ain't much we can do about it, I've spent hours trying to rationalize a way that I could drink and be normal and the fact is that I just can't. Drink that is.
So just remember drinking as that friend you used to know.
And stay strong so we can all be proud of each other!
When I feel that way and yes I still do from time to time ( almost four years now) I just think of all the thing I said I wanted to do when I was drinking but couldn't because can't drive, to sleepily,JUST TO DRUNK ,and now I can get in my car and go. I'm so happy that you didn't have that first one. Keep up the great work it does get better.
ReplyDeleteI find myself grieving over things that are gone. I, too, at times think that others are living a more glorious life in their freedom to drink and use. Then I remember all the freedom I lost in not being able to chose. Grieving is normal. So is moving on. Today I can wake up to find my own path.
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