I've been thinking about drinking these past few days which is really bloody annoying. I've gone for ages without thinking about it, without imagining holding a glass and sipping. I've had that stupid sad longing, like I'm hard done by and missing out on something special. What bloody bollocks is that? Had to go back and read some old posts just to remind myself about my dysfunctional no-fun drinking.
The longing to drink first came in a moment of stillness, which is very interesting actually. My busy weekend was actually very lovely and calming and I found myself on Sunday evening in a lovely relaxed state after my week of emotional turmoil.
Then Monday afternoon, in a moment of rare and absolute stillness (sitting on a sofa in the corner of my Big Guy's school classroom having just helped with an afternoon of art projects, waiting for the bell to ring while the teacher read the class a story) I had a thought about drinking, followed by a pang. A familiar pang.
"This is a thought, not a craving" I told myself. And I tried to analyse why it was that the thought had appeared at that moment. I rode it out, but to be honest that sad longing about alcohol has lingered for 2 days now. I think it's starting to drift away finally.
And there's absolutelynofuckingwayI'mactuallygoingtodrink.
Just had to make that clear (in bold italics no less)
I'm starting to think that the drinking for me was to fill the silence. I'm having to learn to be still. I'm also having to get to know sad Mrs D. She's there and I never let her out much. Without the heavy, steady alcohol drinking squashing down my emotions I am having to learn to ride the waves of emotion naturally when they come. Acknowledge them, feel them, hear them, watch them go.
Is it stupid that I'm only just starting to see now that my heavy alcohol consumption was me choosing to live a life suppressing emotions? How can you feel, really feel, clearly and simply and in a real way if you're always pouring booze down your throat? You can't. So I'm having to learn that way of living I guess.
It is a bloody hard and unexpected journey but an absolutely beautiful one that I'm so so so so so pleased to be on.
Love, Mrs D xxx